Lightbulb Jokes - Part IV
Created | Updated Dec 15, 2009
Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes
Musicians
How many guitarists/actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in and 99 to say, "Oh, I can do that."
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh! I could've done that !"
5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
How many flute players does it to take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.
How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
How many female opera singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)
One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine to discuss how it was really too high for her.
How many classical music singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven.
(Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they don't get up that high.
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
"Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month
GE will be coming out .... "
Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
(With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.)
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Get the drummer to do it.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
One, but only after asking "Why?"
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
10. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
One .. Two, and a-one two three four.
How many roadies/sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change a light bulb?
21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light.
(Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
10,001 - One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!!
How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.
Note: Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles))
commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just
smells funny."
How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is
electrified.
Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was
the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change
it again anyway after everybody else is done.
They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
How many blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb
there and the other to play harp.
How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting
stustustustustustustustustustuck
How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is
blowin' in the wind.
How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old
one on his forehead.
Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the
first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead
Kennedys etc.
The Movies
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the
big deal, I could have done that."
Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to
stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a
stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.
How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's
hotel room.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's
done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you think? (Theatre humour)
Three. No, five. No, you go away - four. YES! Four! Perfect!
How many stage managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not your concern. It will be done by opening night.
How many lighting designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not my job.
Writers and Artists
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it?"
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to
give it a suprising twist at the end.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In
1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that
electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative.
Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back
in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one
sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to
reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire
room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Bathtub full of powertools.
Fish.
How many performance artists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the light bulb and the other to put the
power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.
How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old
could've done that!"
How many fine artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how
good it looks.
Sport
How many members of the England cricket team does it take to
change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the
new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing
something out of his pocket into it.
How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a
day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary
strain upon them."
How many football managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change
it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he
gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to
kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the
light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and
screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
roll around on the floor pretending to be really
injured.
15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards,
and the other side's back four to all stand around and
put their hands up.
How many baseball owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like being in the dark ages.
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light
bulb?
Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours
for it.
How many American college football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit
for it!
Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the
Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support
for it)
How many American footballers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
How many people at an American football match does it take to
change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of
the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a
successful bulb screwing.
How many University of Washington Husky football fans does it take to change a
light bulb?
A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to
all try and make the world revolve around it.
How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a light bulb?
One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
How many American wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the
floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act
real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last
minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and
round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black
and white stripey uniform whose function is never made
quite clear to protest about something or other, to the
complete indifference of the bulb changers.
5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
Stereotypes
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick
the switch.
How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge
muscles !"
How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have
been this big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely
enough!
How many chess computers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en
passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move
whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some
pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of
the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate
in seven.
How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are too "Short".
2
One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do
all the analysis.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby
Fischer?
Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to
file three millimetres off it first.
How many ping pong players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping
pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the
type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and
one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and
point out that he could have bought an even better one for
50p less.
How many scrabble players does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score
anyway.
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the
bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier
to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all
relative.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
| So Long, And Thanks For Laughing |
