Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes
Two kids are bragging:
My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
Oh, yeah! Sez who?
Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the
light, and I'll eat it!"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old
How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP
are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH
Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at
the hospital to remove it.
How many w***ers does it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster
and faster, until it fuses.
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
Both of them.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's
talk about the shade !
Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff
to remove it!
Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy
Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to
How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary
Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much
better it is than with a man.
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and
second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the
closet where they belong.
It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't
screw around with other men.
Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber
gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb
Theories And Attitudes
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably
won't work either.
None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many tight gits does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after
all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need
None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm
o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and
evolved over many years by small steps,
o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in
any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to
take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of
o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the
sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's
illumination preference, and
o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to
develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a
single candle instead of cursing the darkness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and thirty natives to see the light.
One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else
to change light bulbs too.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master
stays out of the way.
None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The
true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're never in the dark.
None. Atheists question whether it's really light
None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light
Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in
the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and
one to not do any of those.
How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah,
and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look
for Salman Rushdie in the dark.
How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner
How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the
tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the
words "Hare Krishna."
How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they provide their own illumination.
Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for
him to stand on.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and
there's no precedent for lightbulb changing.
Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and
give the old bulb last rites.
How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light
None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee of twelve
to talk about how they miss the old one.
How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
It depends on the dance step.
How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God
will be replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to
feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.
How many zionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - one to stay home and try to convinve someone else to
do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in
and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands
behind their actions.
How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light
None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first
How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light
Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get
real bright !
How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability
of a woman.
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light
None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes
out enjoying yourselves.....
None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't
be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light
bulb for them, and after all they've done for you...
Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it
behind her back.
How many mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say,
"I told you so!"
How many divorcees does it take to change a light bulb ?
None. The sockets all went with the house.
Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing.
Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
"Hey man, screwing objectifies the Lighbulb"
Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how
Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a
Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere.
Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing
it before it's a third of the way in.
Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the
Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to
find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket
as he works.
Seven. One to change the light bulb, three to protest
the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to
the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket,
and one to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
11 - 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a
survivors of darkness support group!
Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and
agonize about how oppressed the socket is.
How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby
Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say
the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream
50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the
Lightbulb be changed!
That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10
women-only-government- contractors working 2 years at a
salary of $50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's
traditionally expected for the man to do it.
Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to
research how the white male patriarchy conspires to keep
women and minorities in the dark.
Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be
unable to provide her children light without federal
assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask the Justice
Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in
the first place.
Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and
minorities will suffer more than anyone else because
None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally
protected right to work in the dark if they choose to.
It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the
net that a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be
banned by the FCC.
One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a
minority or woman contractor.
30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting
Newt Gingrich cutting off funds for the Federal Light
Bulb Changing Agency...
Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual
harassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to
screw it in. Another to file harassment charges against
the men possibly looking at her in the dark.
Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks
If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up
to the government or the father to support any children
resulting from such a sexual act. She will also require
free day care for the light bulb children and federal
funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be
treated under affirmative action hiring quotas.
Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform
will limit the number of free light bulbs a woman can
receive to under 2 years supply.
One. But if she was a WHITE MALE
she would be able to replace the light bulb much easier.
One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother
Earth and use a fluorescent lamp designed to last 3
times longer and protect the environment... But if a man
isn't paying for it, then she will use the cheapest one.
Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a
really good job.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's
None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the
broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put
the new one in.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep
track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their
minds and provide wax jobs.
None. Men don't screw-in light bulbs; they think they
can turn them on just by rubbing up against them.
One -- men will screw anything.
Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does
Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out
for more bulbs.
How many new men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there
is no such thing as a genuine new man, and in any event,
the media, who like telling us what we all like, have
declared that women don't really go for new men anyway,
but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.
Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
How many new romantics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing
concept, man !"
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
Why did the "Real Man" sit in the dark?
He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to
How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do
it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to screw in a light
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
None. They have the girls do it.
How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"
It depends how many blondes there are, but some people
prefer it with the lights off.
Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call,
Three. One to hold the light bulb, two to spin the
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
With lubricant. (But how does she get into the light bulb?)
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out light bulbs.
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn
How many Harvard men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're too good (nose in the air) to do such menial
How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in Cortinas
How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
one. It isN't oo easy.
How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a like change?
10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to missread the
|So Long, And Thanks For Laughing|
icons and other religious artworks describe christian saints
and biblical figures glowing with light.2PUJA is a religious ceremony.3
Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced
"hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are an orthodox Jewish sect. The
jokes above refer to various further subsects and their
peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are
known for their belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be
coming along soon. The Bratzlaver joke refers to the fact
that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman, and
since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in
the group feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are
very strict in their adherence to the sex-role distinctions
prescribed by the Bible-in one area, they've been fighting
with local authorities about school busing, because they
believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the
school system employs a lot of women as bus drivers.