Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes
How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a
It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody
around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into
the Guinness Book of World Records.
One, who'll do it for food.
One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and
pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel
room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the
light bulb went.
Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same
way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis
Effect (which is actually pretty negligible).
Furrfu ! 1.
How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light
One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for
the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati,
one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker
to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday
burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was
telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted
Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other
people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb
622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give
some minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a
great new joke that no-one else had ever thought of.
How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he's gotta cross-post it all over the goddam place.
How many USENET users does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
Six. One to point out the spelling (you illiterate
idiot!), one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!,
one to flame the flamer, one to ask to be removed from
the news group, one to ask for a copy of the last
message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke.
Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on
How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a light
50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out
every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people
have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite
feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for
more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great
discontent among the people who have brought really bright,
How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a light bulb ?
31 - One to change the light bulb and thirty to flame them for
picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ...
Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is
rec.humor (US spelling) not rec.humour.
How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20
to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them
in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to
ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come
in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out
again and start the whole process all over again. And
one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to
1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and
over again and still no one notices it's been changed so
they change it again and again and then they even
discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it
565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to
flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is
different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame,
pointing out that the new bulb is deliberately
different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the
room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand
that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14
to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed
seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but
it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying
to put the old bulb back in.
An infinitely growing number : - One to announce that
the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one
to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying
"Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post
in saying "Our news software hasn't been working and I
missed the original light bulb joke. Would someone
please post it again or email it to me?", one to post in
quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to
turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade
into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I
don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes?",
one to post in after two months "What's this light bulb
joke you're all talking about?", one to repost it a
month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I
didn't get it. What's the punchline?", one to post "Has
anyone got a list of these? I'm starting a list, so
please send me all your light bulb jokes", and one to
cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later
prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here?" and
accompanied by all of our old favourites like " How many
programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three
to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old light
bulbs archived at?", and any number to revive the entire
exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.
How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light
Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing
footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to
ask if that's really THE Terry Org colette or both, and then
to realise that the speed of light can't be measured, except
in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it
and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the
How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs
How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let someone else change it, then they point
out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because The KILLOR killed him!
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch
him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
Eight. One screws in the light bulb, but seven more do
too, due to a software bug.
Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb gif mailing
list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a
message asking for the intructions on how to view a
How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about
it to the list, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post
in saying "Yes, but they have herbal remedies for it
nowadays", one to post "And homeopathic ones too, I read
somewhere", one to post in saying he accidentally deleted the
original light bulb joke and could someone please post it
again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything
so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade,
one to post "What's this light bulb joke you're all talking
about then?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind
of food", one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe
for one then?", one to post in requesting Michael Traub look
up and tell us all its B12 content, one to post "Will it help
cure my auntie's arthritis?", one to assert that it probably
won't, but its effectiveness at this might well be increased
by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation, two to
condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether light
bulbs are totally vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one
assert that they are and add "I like light bulbs. They're low
in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too !", one to announce
that she's leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit
more meaningful, three to post in reassuring her that
eventually it will, Lissa Mosley to post that the list
moderators feel they must respectfully request that the
discussion be moved to private email as it has been going on
far too long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all
this got to do with ethical veg*nism anyway?" and suggest the
discussion be moved to alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post
in quoting this suggestion and add "What's that?". So the
discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l
subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and
alt.fan.lightbulbs finds itself taking a few days off from
the "My incredible light" and "Light Bulb death" discussions
and come up with some new jokes...
How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a light
Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat
glistened on her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother
Billy had gone to the hardware store to get a new light bulb.
Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, silhouetted
against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the
bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any light bulbs but
wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he started
unzipping his pants...
How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and
post something about how light bulbs are so masculine to the
group, two to post in disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to
post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole terminal room in Keele to sit
there discussing it only among themselves, one to post a
coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to
complain that the women always get flamed more than the men,
Menya to say that light bulbs are sexy as long as they're
orange and could someone bring her a nice hot one, and two
people to post in suggesting a boink so they can all get
together and change the light bulb, with real friendship and
good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds.
During all this time, not one person dares risk losing points
by posting a personals ad.
How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a light
None. Torches are more traditional.
22 One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their
family tradition regarding light bulbs is more justified
and ancient than anyone else's.
How many IRC chatters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each
other off that no-one ever has enough time to get anything
How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb
300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit " How
many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem."
2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to
check it hasn't been done already!
How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb
Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be
submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the
probability that it will have changed detectably since the
last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which
is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever
seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2
or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given
week is .08. So it takes about 1
5 light bulb jokes to
change a light bulb joke.
How many knock-knock jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Jobs & Crafts etc
How many GLC workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters
announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to
change the light bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water
out the window. (An interesting story about this joke -
it was once being told at a party or something, and the
person being asked correctly made up a completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud
chorus of "No, it's a fish !")
How many fish does it take to change a light bulb?
How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile
hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to
glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb
in the socket and fill the room with light while all the
critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the
cocker spaniel. (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
How many sado-masochists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under
How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "And that's magic !"
How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
How many computer security experts does it take to change a light
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb.
If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one,
but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a
B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a
B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book"]
How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a light
None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the
problems, we just find them.
How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends : - If they are applications programmers, it
takes exactly twice as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each
variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are
core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve
One to analyze the historical failure rates of light
bulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the
failure of the light bulb before the user actually has
to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for
changing light bulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT,
MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom
interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually
request the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC
SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the light bulbs
needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways,
cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually
spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight,
one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a
new version of the light bulb will ship, how much we'll
pay to keep using light bulbs for another year, and what
we'll do if our site sends all its light bulbs to Europe
where 120V/60Hz light bulbs tend to explode upon
insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an
incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will
perpetually insert new filaments into all mission
critical light bulbs until its author is fired, at which
point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself
into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to
write a graphical front end to the light bulb changing
process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing
the number of light bulbs changed per hour, so that
management can understand why we need to buy bigger
light bulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the
entire light bulb project, taking credit for the design
and execution of the light bulb project itself as well
as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one
to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking light bulb
replacement on twelve different types of light sockets,
with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent
bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling,
axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all
added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push
the dollie loaded with SAS/Light Bulb manuals, *and*,
One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to
change that bulb, NOW.
Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
Please let us know!
That depends; what color is the bulb?
It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or
not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they
can't read the manual, and without the manual, they
can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure
the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
One, once the documentation for the procedure is found
in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to
the (validity of the) output.
It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8
How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There's a primitive for that.
How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light
"Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and
it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific
about the exact problem?..."
I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting
Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned
query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it
in all future correspondence.
How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to
be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you
have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be
four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light
How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
MIS has received your request concerning your hardware
problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 3971
Please use this number for any future reference to this light
bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you
will be contacted.
How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the
electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch
How many experienced computer users does it take to change a
Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody
week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not
broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It
WAS broken this time you say ? Blush
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or More Lightbulb Jokes
Rot-13 (a simple but commonly-used cipher that helps
protect the unwary against unwanted exposure to sexual,
vulgar, or other offensive language)2The last 3 all refer to personalities in the
rec.humor group.)3If you don't beleive me, see the
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex
newsgroups and you will see threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s
long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be put on
non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists. Internet folklore
tells us that all the gits are on AOL. The software
they're using is only partly to blame.4refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition
techniques.5 I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure
that is included as a part of the language. You don't have to
write code ("hack") to do it.