# Lightbulb Jokes - Part III

Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba

Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes

### Mathematicians

How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, for only \$87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole
planet.

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally
get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till
next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.

How many people on the space shuttle does it take to change a lightbulb?
1,000,001 One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.

In earlier work, Wiener has shown that one mathematician can
change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have
changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?

This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure,
since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.

Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one
economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away

One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on
statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some
of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the
light bulb is negatively or positively screwed.

How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.

If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.

The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
in any time interval is independent of how long you've been
waiting.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

### Teachers

How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...

None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to
the homework.

One if at home, but on school time, four.

How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

How many Ph.D thesis supervisors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!

How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's what research students are for.

Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the
mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one
to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student
to do the work.

How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a
complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to
inverse transform the removed light bulb.

How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.

How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a light bulb?
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand
around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get
it right.

How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it
right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to
do.

How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
bill the government for the house.

How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey
invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one
hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating
Station.

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something
that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to
stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come
out as one.)

How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot
locate the new bulb.

How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the
bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design
the bulb.

How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light
bulb?
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old
one and screw itself in.

### Doctors etc.

How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an
MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That depends on whether it has health insurance.

Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to
the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the
mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo
diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to
screw in.

How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the
light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink
mouthwash.

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament
transplant.

Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't
using it now.

How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using
it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes nine visits.

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and
hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the
microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of
glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire
filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one
to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb
and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old
base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process
uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several
intelligent people happily employed doing something totally
useless.

How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting
room.

How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one
to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an
anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to
examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.

Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a
new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to
maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3)
decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked.
Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually
or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's
pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing
job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty
light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light.
He returns to department and reports back. He completes work
ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by
maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then
checked to see task completed in time set out under
department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6)
checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.

How long have you been having this fantasy?
How many do you think it takes?

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops!
I mean, er, the light bulb.

How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there
going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to
the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and
put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the
right, and to the right..."

### Professions

How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to
try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already
burned out).

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
ramifications of the change.

How many Quality managers does it take to change a light bulb?
We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light
bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers
can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.

How many admin assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb
design change request form.

How many marketing directors does it take to change a light bulb?
It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

How many sales directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?

None-just assume it's changed.

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but I'll get back to you on that.

Note: Believe it or not, this joke cracks up reporters because
PR people try to force reporters to work their stories by
talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually
knows anything... so he/she is always responding as in the
punchline.

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.

None. "Who needs lights?"

How many porn actresses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real
answer is actually none. They're just faking it.

How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light
bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

None, lawyers only screw us.

Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone
to really screw a bulb...
None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the
following bill:
(Itemization of bill charges)
 Item Charge Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) \$ 400 Connectivity charge \$ 100 Staff charge \$ 250 Secretary prepared bill \$ 2 Research fee \$ 422 Consulting fee \$ 431 Paralegal processing fees \$ 25 Specialized equipment \$ 122 Bought bulb \$ 5 Overnight express delivery \$ 34 Rule 45 957(B)(1) charge \$ 394 Total \$2185

It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb.
Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by
standing up and shouting "Objection !"
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and
one to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently
supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge
that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue
the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to
dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their
time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two
to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
twenty-eight to bill for professional services. (another huge
answer is at the bottom of this file.)
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the
strictures of the following agreement.

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the
lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as
'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein
the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (North) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just through the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any
spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (light bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The
aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step
stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the
party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise
direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said
grasping and rotation of the party of the second part
(light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the
aformentioned failure of the party of the second part
(light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon
duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both
parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of
the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the
party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless
for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable
direction.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third
part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part
(light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the
party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of
beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part
('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in
step one of this self same document, being careful to note
that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction,
said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the
party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in
the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact
becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said
party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs
and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or
her to do some the objective being to produce a level of
illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (North) door consistent with
maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?

That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee (binary only).

Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it
usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.

Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of
one of their subordinates to actually change it.

### Performers

How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman to club the
other skater on the knee.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.

How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get
ready, and four to go!

Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.

How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up
when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the
truth of the report despite the manipulation.

How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light
bulb?
You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was
flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling
me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use
their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's
Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating
Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In."

How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop
everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the
introduction to a dance they want to do.

How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and
give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light
bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy,
three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to
grab the bulb.

 So Long, And Thanks For Laughing