Lightbulb Jokes - Part VI
Created | Updated Dec 15, 2009
Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon
components plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a
light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke:
An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department
of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the
replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The
beacon, similar to the revolving red lamp atop a police car,
warns workers of nuclear accidents. The memo said the job
should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace the
light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers
4.15 hours.
The memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a
work-control meeting; talk with other workers who have done
the job before; meet again; get signatures from five people
at that work-control meeting; get the project plans approved
by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste
management and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly
criticality-beacon test; direct electricians to replace the
bulb; and then test and verify the repair.
How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
1
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
first one.
How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls
even if you knew how many.
2
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will
be continued next week. Meanwhile...
How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, assholes never see the light anyway.
How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What?! And ruin my nails???
Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Two. One to call the electricion and one to fix the
Martinis.
Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building
superintendant.
3
Drugs etc.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
One, but it takes twelve steps.
One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light
bulbs.
One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
4
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
one.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing
over whether or not the light bulb exists.
Define "light bulb".................
How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore
cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a
Miller Lite bulb...
How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely
euthanized.
66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible
to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the
various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and
syllable; nine columnists to write about it from
radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to
respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven
Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes
(_what_ is said is not as important as saying it
correctly); six conservatives who believe things should
stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that
action should be taken immediately to form a committee
to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree
on principal with anything anyone else has suggested;
three peacemakers who believe it's more important to
work it out without showing any more emotions than
necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain
that numbers are more important than facts; and one
pragmatist to ignore the BS and replace the bad bulb
with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the
Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make
absolutely sure that it really does add up to 66.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
5
Two, the new one and the old one.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Politics etc.
How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take
to screw in a light bulb?
(Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened
government has made it unnecessary for people to screw
in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of
former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light
Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your
home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on
only a few months notice.
(Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in
light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step,
and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my
fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove
this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
(Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is
changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was
made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up
massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw
in here.
(Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an
obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this
campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people
resent it.
(Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates
are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners
won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
(Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for
wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But
that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my
media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in
all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did
in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
(Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial
solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light
bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and
Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American
Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or
even paper money to allow them to buy into the American
Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all
Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to
the White House.
How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take
to change a light bulb?
(Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we
didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do
it.
(DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess
the servants have always taken care of that... With a
DuPont administration, the power of the free market will
be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
(Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal
this light bulb!
(Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry
about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry
about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
(Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
(Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent
that question. I've answered it before, and I think the
media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American
people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.
How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say
that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it,
one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude
that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first
screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was
altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across
the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the
bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being
disinformation specialists.
How many election canvassers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time
for a change but the only way this can come about is if
everyone votes for "New light bulb."
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many military information officers does it take to change a
light bulb?
At the present point in time it is against policy and the
best interests of military strategy to divulge information of
such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the
cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one
that isn't defective.
6
How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
7
How many Trotskyists does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
8
How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get
daaowwwwn !"
How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but don't expect results.
How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they like Danzig in the dark.
How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb,
one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to
hold his crack pipe while he does it.
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32......
How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?
How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old
one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him,
so...
How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
One, but they're really three.
How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between
the new and old bulbs.
How many smokers does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. If they all light up together the light bulb
will do so too.
How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. "I can't change my light bulb. But I can change my
burger to a Burger King burger."
How many archaeologists does does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the
old one is.
How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb
so it'll be architecturally accurate.
How many "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured
that out yet.
How many of me does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and
one to spend the next 6 months going round telling it to
everyone.
How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two thirds.
How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four
Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and
Oliver North to help him.
9
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it
away, without checking whether or not there was actually
anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of
mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it
back and say it was all done with the light bulb's best
interests at heart.
Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old
bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring
society, one to arrange the case conference and one to
make sure they are all following the correct working
practice.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root
cause as to why the last one went out.
How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change
a light bulb?
All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind
of job they can get after they graduate.
Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to
change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of
the old bulb.
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Change it to what?
How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn,
and...
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember
the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a
bit...)
None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
10
How many gardeners does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about
whether this is the right time of year to be putting in
light bulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will fit in the El Camino.
11
How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb??
Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
12
How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a
distraction.
Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit
when it explodes.
Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and
another to claim responsibility in phone call to the
news media.
How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light
bulb?
45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of
Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of
Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste
up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the
cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite
into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for
the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working
lights.
How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead,
one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it
to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred
years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of
the effects on his/her social development relative to
same-age peers who sat around in the dark.
13
How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call
before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed
overnight.
Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
| So Long, And Thanks For Laughing |
1Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that
used to be where women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since
then it has earned a reputation for militant feminism as it
has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed
failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.2 Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage
patch dolls3WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the
drink.4Note: think height!5 A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a
Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer,
or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I
see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel
Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the
mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his
famous theorem, I believe.6 Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic
joke.7Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group
that believes in violent revolution.8An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do
for theirself. Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them.
Or, none of them. Or several."9Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.10Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are
full of burned-out light bulbs?11 El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that
was popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also stereotyped
as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go
low-riding.12Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters
over Iraq.13 EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of
Washington
used to be where women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since
then it has earned a reputation for militant feminism as it
has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed
failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.2 Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage
patch dolls3WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the
drink.4Note: think height!5 A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a
Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer,
or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I
see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel
Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the
mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his
famous theorem, I believe.6 Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic
joke.7Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group
that believes in violent revolution.8An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do
for theirself. Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them.
Or, none of them. Or several."9Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.10Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are
full of burned-out light bulbs?11 El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that
was popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also stereotyped
as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go
low-riding.12Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters
over Iraq.13 EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of
Washington
