Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing or Previous Lightbulb Jokes
How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a light
None. That's a tech job.
How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a
Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in
How many crusties does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is
just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4
stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the
ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and
smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is
and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go
down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at
least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the
hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new
bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special
brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into
his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined
on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've
forgotten but they do at least sound familiar, and much
frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the
trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the
squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the
group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair
crimped. Anyway once inside, the light bulbs are all smashed
on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can
begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a
Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is
lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be
the dog, holding the last unsmashed light bulb in its mouth.
How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
How many Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
3 One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
collections in the bulb's name.
How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it
in the wrong way.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want them to change it into.
How many egotists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
How many health food freaks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the
ingredients on the new one. (But did they change it for
health or philosophical reasons?)
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The
Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror
that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI
who are involved in (blah blah blah...)
How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change
a light bulb?
All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait
at least half an hour while the others read out all the
How many macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and
one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to
call the ambulance.
How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old
macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
How many VMM members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A
little bit of bitterness there from Brian.)
Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand
around discussing what they all want to do next.
How many new-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around
going "Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I
mean, I COULD do it, but of course I woudn't want to
impose my will upon anyone else..."
Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad
psychic auras.(and optionally another dozen to perform
the dance of the renewal of the light.)
Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll
work in the future.
How many French farmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new light bulb. Farmer
#2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and
promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get
another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported
How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around
solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable
tv pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to
screw in a LIGHT BULB.
None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing.
Even if they did they'd get someone else to do it.
One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of
the soft white variety over all others.
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone
that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you
were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like "Well
I'm not a racist, BUT ....."
How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a light
Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a light
None, they have a service come in and do that.
How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much
better it was in the Sixties.
How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the
How many politically correct people does it take to change a
None. "Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If
it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect
its uniqueness and individuality."
How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a
None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs.
They ban light bulb jokes.
How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it
How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the
How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a
None, they're afraid there's been too much development
How many people about to move out of the city does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black
How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button
which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how
many thousand years will be required to rediscover the
technology to manufacture more and replace them.
How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a
Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm
with the old one.
How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
How many poltergeists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor,
one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things
about just for good measure.
How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
changed it to "light bulb".
How many IKEA shop assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to
arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just
go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks,
How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light
Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment
about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in
How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to
screw it in.
How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all
her friends about it.
How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?
Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the
1,500,000: To conquer a race that can climb ladders for
How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a light
Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in
How many MTV cartoon characters does it take to change a light
Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Light Bulbs suck or
something... Huh-huh-huh... Yeah ! But light bulb jokes
are coool... huh-huh... Huh-huh... Light Bulb jokes kick
aaaasss... (inserts hand into trousers and rubs up and
I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
I dunno know either you dumb ass.
Who are you calling dumb ass, butt munch?
You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Shut up Butthead!
No, you shut up!
No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh! Answer the
damn question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm, what is
the question, Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I
thought you knew. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think
it was like, uh-uh, like how many, uh-uh, like
Beavis and Buttheads, huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh,
does take to screw in a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
I dunno know...
Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think he
means like our, uh-uh, ...
: "Uh huh huh huh huh. You said "Screw."
: "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw. Screw.
: "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick your
How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to
the hardware store.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends whether the switch is on or off.
If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any
number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
How many deaf blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the
How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ahem! We do not discuss this with ladies and children
How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then
surround the house when it rebuffs them.
It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light
Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to
dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the
plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters
How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues
that it isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says
that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a
synthesis when the bulb gets screwed in.
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves
and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.
How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a
relatively modern invention.
How many folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light
It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it
will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really
hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering
You have to examine the nature of the question.
How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides
it isn't going to hatch.
None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a light
Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell
the story about "last night."
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one
how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from
How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light
Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted
with light bulbs !
They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out
bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark.
Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't
How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his
cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an
"I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain
about the waiting period.
Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out
of the gun.
How many Newfies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer
the new one in. (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid -
usually told by Canadians.)
How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come
together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for
the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one
to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one
to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic
How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have
something to screw in and the other to screw it in for
How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they *like* it in the dark.
How many one-armed people does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They won't, because:
o "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written
o "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to
a brighter one, so where will it all end?"
o "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire
world three times over."
o "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as
anyone is hungry anywhere."
o "We don't know what effect all this artificial light
will have on the future of mankind."
o "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just
haven't learned to husband it yet."
o "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
o "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no
o "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to
provide light to all Americans, without regard to race,
age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion),
religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or
How many furries does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb.
Three to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear
clothing which emphasizes curves and musculature, and look
cute and dangerous at the same time.
How many furfen does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder and change
the light bulb.
One to complain that there was too much erotica in the
previous answer and this one, and that people should come up
with more non-erotic answers because of the impact on public
negativity towards furriness. And the third to explain about
their erotic dreams involving furry light bulb jokes.
Note: furfen = fans of furries. "fen" is a long-used plural
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
|So Long, And Thanks For Laughing|
about the wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it to
say that it is a highly unionized environment, and there is
always a little friendly bickering between the
technicians and the jocks. 2 VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody
ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do
anything.3 Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke
referes to the many arabs who are moving to high-class
neigbourhoods in the United States.4Note: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in
plastic.5 BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms,
repsonsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !)
Branch Davidians siege in spring 1993, which ended in a
fashion the second punchline suggests.6Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called
dialectics to seek answers to seemingly mutual exclusive
positions. Shortened it is "thesis, antithesis, synthesis".
Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle ground
through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made
light'.7This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work
there. The stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a
few bedroom exploits.8furries = characters in what's called "furry" science
fiction. Best depicted on cover art; the men look like
bodybuilders, the women are indescribably buxom, and both
wear some version of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes to show as
much skin and musculature as possible.9 "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial Americana, written (pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the 1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice play on words.