h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*leaps from tent and over the side of the raft; slides down lift-ropes on zip cord; with a pair of oven-mitt gauntlets, an outsized potholder as a shield, and several vicious-looking death spatulas, leaps into a fencing pose directly in front of the angry toaster*
Have at you!

*the oven rears back, hinged door flapping like an immense and menacing maw*

*A shigahemp lasso snakes out and catches the latch at the top of the door*

Back, Ferrari! Back up!

*In mid-attack, the monster toaster oven is caught off-balance and it crashes over backward. Lil (still bedecked with orchids) leaps off Ferrari, who is maintaining the rope tension, and hogties the On-Off switch to the OFF position, and the monster abruptly ceases to thrash about*

*Lil reels up the lasso and remounts*

Where's everyone else, Odra? Did you see a band of horsemen ride out of here?

*regards Lil with a cool (yet impressed and quite grateful) gaze, and reholsters her spatula*

Well, GL is with Styx, somewhere in the village itself...Red's the one who provoked this beastie *gestures to the toaster with an oven-mitted hand* in the first place, Affy is (l think) still in the raft -- did you get your babelfish, by the way? Did Ferarri get one? -- and Redbeard is definitely still in the raft, at last check, making sandwiches.

Think we could tame the toaster? At the very least, we can have Redbeard make us hot snacks with it, and if properly reprogrammed, it might prove useful, at some point.

l did see a band of -something- on horseback, though they were awfully hairy creatures...they definitely had horses, but l'm not sure they were men. More like primates of some sort. Gorillas, d'you think?
Suddenly l have the sinking feeling we've landed ourselves smack dab in the middle of a Charlton Heston film -- except for the bit with the orchids, of course. They're quite beautiful, Lil.
Erm...is it okay, though, that they seem to be trying to take root in your epidermis?

*Inside the cave, GL waits with the natives for the "all clear" sign. Eventually, two short and one long whistle are heard through the thatch. A native parts the thatch and the native leader leads everyone out. GL notices that Styx is not one of the party leaving the cave. Emerging from the hut, GL is momentarily blinded by the strong sunlight. Blinking, he looks around and notices the group of safari members standing near a large metal object. The natives have noticed too and are jabbering excitedly and pointing at the metal object. GL can make out the gist of what they are saying - they are happy and grateful that the fire monster has been subdued; no more sacrifices will be necessary; who are these saviours anyway. GL walks over to the group and says in a low voice:*

Good work, guys. The natives are happy to be rid of this thing, so they are happy with you. If I show you are friends of mine, they should accept you completely. You might try talking to me, too - they seem very impressed with talking. Nice dress, Lil.

Dress? *looks down at her arms and exclaims, in Eddie Izzard tones*
I'm covered in orchids! And so is Ferrari!
But... I'm getting psychic impressions from all directions ... this monster has been abducting children and taking them ... I am getting fear, great fear. Um, I think I'll stay mounted for the moment.
*Ferrari nods vigorously*
If this has to do with the orchids, then maybe Ferrari has gone psychic, too.
*looks closely at the flowers* They haven't punctured my skin, I don't think. They're in my pores.

Over in that grove of banyans, or maybe it's just one banyan. The orchids are there.

*Meanwhile*
*Styx lopes down the sloping floor of the cave with his red glowing eyes taking in the details and his nose cataloguing the smells*

*the floor and walls suddenly become more regular*
heh heh! Humans have been here! I smell hi-tech!
sniff sniff
But very old. Too old. Not right.

*hears faint scuffling up ahead and scuttles behind a fallen light fixture that has become part stalagmite*

*touches her hand to the side of the toaster oven; the metal has cooled. Takes a rectangular metal box -- about the size of her palm, though very heavy, for its smallness -- and a long metal probe out of her pack, and screws the probe, antennae-like, into a socket at one end of the box. Studies the resulting device for a moment, thinking it needs something...looks at the oven and has a brainstorm, and lashes a fork to the end of the probe*
The proverbial fork-in-the-toaster...
*readies herself to pounce, and whips out a pocketknife, slashing through the ropes securing the on-off switch. The toaster oven rears to life, and she jams the fork into its back, deep into the circuitry, and flips a lever on the box. Sparks fly, whiffs of ozone rise into the air --the natives regard all this with gaping mouths. The appliance leaps, bucks, shudders, and falls back to earth suddenly, obediently, at the feet of Odradek, jaw-door panting like a willing puppy's. She smiles in a slightly self-satisfied sort of way*
That oughta do it.

l hope you don't mind, Affy -- l borrowed some of the tricks you used in taming Dolores to whip up this little device here. l thought it might come in useful.
And it certainly did. Now l have a major appliance to bend to my will.
*the natives study her, as fascinated by her speech as by the oven's performance; she nods her head to them, too busy and occupied really to notice*

l think l shall call him Montgomery.
*pats the toaster affectionately, and scales its back, finally sitting astride it. Realizes the metal is rather uncomfortably warm, when the oven is on, and thinks a moment. Lashes her large potholder to the beast, securing it under what equates to its belly with a leftover length of Lil's rope, and fashions a bridle of sorts out of her taming transponder device and another length of rope. Mounts her steed again, falling into line behind Lil*
Should we explore the banyan, then?

*Before anyone can move, a native at the far edge of the crowd begins shouting and pointing off into the distance. The ground drops off slowly in that direction and about half a mile away can be seen an open field. In the centre of the field is a figure running towards the village. The running figure is dressed as the villagers are and keeps glancing over her shoulder. The native chief softly says: "Kala" as he recognises the figure. As everyone watches the 6 horsemen break out of the woods beyond the field. Kala sees them and tries to run faster. She almost makes it to the woods on the near side of the field when the lead horseman whirls a weighted net which falls over Kala. The natives in the village groan as Kala becomes tangled and falls. The horsemen dismount, holding their clubs, and approach the strugling Kala. One gets behind her a clubs her over the head. She falls, limp, to the ground. The horsemen throw her over the back of a horse, remount and ride back the way they came.

The chief turns to GL with tears in his eyes. He says:*

One more now slave. She daughter. Please help.

GL, I don't like this place. We should help them as much as we should, but let's not interfere too much. After all, we're obviously in some parrallel universe that shows what the world may have become had Y2K actually happened, or something. Or maybe just war. War could do it.

*Is about to continue, but notices something about the Microwave-Oven. Decides not to mention that a mud-encrusted CLI logo is easily noticeable near the back of the appliance*

I don't like the future. It's all too definite.

*Lil has her hands full with Ferrari, who is full of rescue imperatives, rearing and bucking like the pro he is*

No, Ferrari, we stand out like a float in the Mardi Gras! Stop it, you're giving me whiplash! What psychic defenses?

*suddenly realizes she is communicating with Ferrari telepathically, which is why she has managed to stay on* Hey, big guy, listen, read my brain's lips.

*Ferrari comes to a halt, snorting, and cocks his head as the villagers burst into applause*

*Lil and Ferrari confer*

Odra, Affi, Ferrari thinks he and I have some special defensive advantage with these orchids that will keep us from being captured. We can follow that crowd and find out what happens to the chief's daughter, then report back.

*Ferrari wheels, and without further discussion heads down the trail lately taken by the six horsemen. Lil just has time to wave before they disappear into the jungle*

*looks up from making dinner, sees the capture of Kala. Realizing that something must be done, he tries to make sense of the controls on the hovering raft. After bumping into some trees and almost falling out, he finally gets control and goes after the horsemen. Seeing Lil and Ferrari giving chase he realizes two things:
1. It will take them quite a while to catch up to them
2. The raft can get there faster, but then what?

He gives chase anyway and quickly catches up with the group. They look up for a moment, puzzled at the sight of the raft, but continue on.

Finally an inspiration. He gets the stove going, and starts rummaging through the bags.*

Maybe this will slow them down enough for Lil and Ferrari to catch up!

*He starts by dropping cookies on them. At first, they're puzzled at the falling objects, until one of them stops to investigate and realizes it's food. They all get excited and go after the cookies from heaven. Redbeard starts dropping them in a pattern that causes them to go in circles.

Finally the food on the stove is done, and he starts dropping sizzling strips of bacon. One of them lands of the forehead of the leader, who screams and falls from his horse. The others cluster around concerned and then realize what bacon is. They get even more excited and, after eating the piece on their leader, follow the raft to get more. The leader, writhing in pain next to the bound Kala, is left behind without a horse as Redbeard leads the others away.*

*realizing that Montgomery can't possibly beat Lil and Ferrari to Kala's aid, decides to stay behind for the moment. Switches off Monty (to conserve his energy supplies, the source of which isn't entirely clear as his plug flaps, tail-like, unconnected to any wall socket), and decides to inspect him, to see if she can't figure out just what turned him sentient, or how he operates, and so find some explanation for the culture in which the group has found itself thrust*

Well, to start with, the heating element of this thing is -filthy-...
*she begins to scour the oven's surface carefully with a steel wool pad tucked in her knapsack --filched earlier from the charmingly domestic Redbeard-- and cleanses away thick layers of dirt and grime. Suddenly her myopic eyes light on something and --*

Er...Affy...
*Affy doesn't respond*
Affy. AFFY.
*still doesn't look over*

Sigh.
"A day will come when science will turn upon its error and no longer hesitate to shorten our woes. A day will come when it will dare and act with certainty; when life, grown wiser, will depart silently at its hour, knowing that it has reached its term..."

Affy...or Garius...do you have any idea what you might have been thinking about engineering or designing in the year 2012? Anything? Are there any long-term projects that the labs happen to be working on that somehow might be related to this?
l get the sinking feeling that this is not necessarily a parallel universe...that it's our own, just a few years later...

*somewhat less streamlined than usual, Lil and Ferrari pursue the horsemen, orchids flapping. The trail veers out of the jungle, as Lil had suspected, and heads into the arid savannah which Ferrari thinks makes fine galloping. Sensing a shadow, Lil looks up to see the raft glide ahead of her*

Ferrari, if I know the professor he'll think of a plan, probably nonviolent, to help us!
Ferrari: run fun run fun run fun

*realises that a psychic connection to a horse won't be the most intellectual experience she's ever had*

*senses that the orchids are pretty disappointed with both of them*

*They come over the brow of a low ridge and nearly trample the unhorsed and unconscious rider and Kara, who is trying to get out of the net*

*Lil removes her bowie knife from its scabbard by the pommel, dismounts and cuts the net loose in such a way that she can use the bits to restrain the horseman*

*As Kara scrambles to her feet, Lil examines the horseman. He or she seems to be a human in a prosthetic costume that makes him look like an ape, a hominoid chimpanzee. There is a definite seam along the jawline and in front of the ear! But something holds the mask fast, and Lil is only able to work loose one corner of the prosthetic before she realises that time is passing*

Ferrari: Hurry up!

*Lil relieves the horseman of his intricately-handled knife and a pouch that hangs off his belt, then remounts Ferrari and pulls Kara up behind her*

Every time this starts to make sense, suddenly it doesn't make sense. Everything else I've seen is real. Except the guy on the ground. What's going on?

*Kara's weight is a negligible addition to the weight Ferrari carries, and they make the trip back to the jungle trail at a ground-eating cross-country canter*

~Meanwhile, Red has been conversing with the cheif. They have been gesturing and the cheif finally sits down, crying~

Okay, here's the whole story, as far as I can make out. About a year ago these horse things started appearing and taking children away to work in a mine about a days march by foot, half a days ride, in the direction that the horsemen took off in. They don't seem to care whether they take girls or boys, but they come and take them about twice a month. There are hardly any children left in the village anymore, and the cheif is ill. He is afraid of what could happen to their village if he dies. He doesn't know what they are mining, but at night he sees flashes of light from the distance in the direction of the mine that indicates they must be working with fire.

Why are you all looking at me like that? Oh no! No heroics on my part, that's not part of my contract. I'm a jungle explorer, thats all, thats it! No good guy stuff. I only do it if it's fun, or if it's for my own personal profit...

Of course, I suppose, the mine might be interesting to discover...

/Red

*Having led the horsemen on a merry chase, Redbeard circles back to the group*
Hey Odra! You want this thing back? My control is still a bit shaky.
...
Where'd you get the toaster oven?

Ampton!
*recognises his new pal from the Food Lady place*
eh heh you coming or going? oh, infrared vision huh?

what are the old machines?
...
Yeah? And great big rats? Bigger than me?
*stands as tall as he can and sniffs*
Don't smell rat. Smell old machines.
...
OK lead the way.

Odra, if this indeed a future H2G2, and this is all caused by CLI, there's no telling what really happened. Before you have science, you must have science-fiction. We work on whatever we imagine and think would be fun to try. Granted, it was a nice head start when the UFO crashed in our back yard, so to speak, but we're probably a few years beyond whatever that alien was working with. Anyway, I can't really think of any reason why we would be responsible for this. I think that the toaster oven is probably just some project that either GL or I will think up, to keep us occupied in our spare time. It probably has Artificial Intelligence, not unlike that of Ampton. Other than that, I don't know why any of this is like it is. Unless...

*Gets a very worried look*

I'd bet money that, however many of these horse-riding people we meet, there will be fewer than five hundred. What if the CLI monkeys were mutated somehow?

*Shakes his head*

This could be our future, or it could be the future of a parralel universe that was remarkably similar to ours. For all we know, this toaster oven came from our universe in the future, crossed over into this universes past, and waited till we came to this place from our present. I really have no idea what (or if) CLI will be doing in a decade.

*wakes up from little nap, finds self covered in orchids, and finds self lying in a bunyan.

Hmm... okie. Can someone please tell me why I'm covered in Orchids and lil is wearing one of Eddie Izzard's dresses AND talking like him?

No clue, really. I'm jsut taking it all in, and won't even start hypothesizing for a while.

*rides back into the village, lets Kara slide off, and then dismounts*
Ferrari: eat now back later *Ferrari moves off a distance, still in eyesight, and begins munching grass and undergrowth*

*Kara rushes to her father and they hug with relief*
*respectful murmurs from crowd*

I don't know how to wrangle villages. Can one of you guys do the public relations here? I need to find Sporky, learn more about these orchids and teach him the difference between a bunyan, a bunion and a banyan.

Oh, and by the way, those riders were wearing ape costumes. Really uncomfortable, glued-on costumes! Here's the leader's knife -- look, it's a prop, just a haft and a scabbard! I got his pouch, lessee...

*crouches and shakes contents of pouch onto the ground*