h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh, I thank you kindly. I have actually been here for weeks, looking actually for a rare orchid that "grows" here; apparantly they have the ability of uproot themselves, and psychically defend themselves. I thought it nonesense, but, just to check...

I asked the natives about it, but, they... well, they started to chuck what I can only guess is feces at me, and, well... I didn't stay around after that. By gor, they're ugly little buggers

Okay, people. We're going to want to instil these people with a sense of awe, and you know what that means: we bring music! I think a kazoo will impress them.

how about a nice windbag?

*begins tuning her famed electric kazoo*

*Wonders if the natives would be impressed by polka. Decides to set his polka gun on "listen" instead of "weapon"*

I have a musical saw. It can have a pretty eerie sound. Not sure if it would impress them or scare them.

l don't know about anyone else, but the thought of Redbeard with -any- kind of saw sure as heck scares -me-...

Okay, then, on the count of three, let's do Beethoven's 2nd Polka concerto for kazoo with saw accompanyment.

*hands out music sheets and kazoos to those who don't have them*

Ah-one and Ah-two and Ah-three ....

*A buzzing sound, with whiny overtones, fills the air. Odra pilots the raft over the village, with the camoflage colouring making it invisisble from the ground. GL changes to wolf form and gets on the elevator thingy. Odra begins lowering him into the middle of the village square - and almost into the cauldron full of boiling water. As GL is just starting to panic, Odra repositions the raft a few feet to the left. GL makes mental note to have a brief discussion with Odra later. As GL's feet touch the ground, he lets out a howl. The awestruck natives fall to their knees and bow down to the ground. They are dressed primitively in ragged skins and are all barefoot. After a few minutes one of the natives, an old man wearing a hat made of what looks like fish tails, and a necklace of what looks like rabbit pellets, approaches GL. The man jumps back as GL changes back to human form, then approaches again. He reverently opens a drawstring bag that hangs from his vine-belt and very carefully pulls something out. He offers the treasure to GL, who takes the offering and discovers it to be a very old and weathered coin, worn almost smooth. Glancing at the coin, GL sees that some of the image and writing on the coin might be legible with a little enhancement, but not to the naked eye. GL bows to the man, who GL assumes is a chief, or priest.*

Thank you.

*The natives all look up sharply at GL's speech. Wonder fills their eyes and a few start to grunt and make primitive hand signs. After watching for a few minutes GL concludes that they do not have the ability to talk.*

~Leaps (well, it looks more like flying) into the raft~

No, I can't fly. I've just got enough majic to fool with the gravity around my feet.

/Red

*Hands what looks like Babel Fish to all of the people*

These are genetically altered Babel Fish I developed last week. We probably won't get exactly what these guys are trying to tell us, but it should give us a rough idea. We should also be able to communicate back with them with just a little practice.

*Passes the babel fish to everyone*

*slips in her own babelfish and takes one for GL; putting the raft into locked hover-mode, she wraps herself in a spare piece of rubber material (part of the raft puncture repair kit) which also holds the camoflage pattern, and slides down the elevator-lift cords, landing just behind GL.
ln an intricate pattern of movements, she slips in GL's babelfish, sneaks the coin out of the pouch, photograps each side of it with a miniature flashless digitally-enhanced camera (which is hidden -- set into the spiked leather bracelet adorning her left arm), slips it back into the pouch, and shinnies back up the lift cord, quite unseen by the natives -- or, for that matter, by GL, though she did take care to whisper "Your babelfish is in" before heading back into the raft.
Once back on the raft, fashions invisibility cloak into a darkroom of sorts (okay, it's digitized, and she doesn't need it, but she likes the way things look in red light), and sets about trying to decipher the inscription on the coin, while GL continues below*

*sits there amazed by the efforts of GL, Red and Odra. Not content to just sit by while his companions do all the work, he summons up his courage and....

... begins to make sandwiches. Some really good perfectly normal beast sandwiches (or the closest equivalent) as well as a couple of perfectly normal bean sprout sandwiches for any vegans, figuring that the other members may need some nourishment to sustain their activities, or, if things go poorly, the sandwiches could be used to appease natives.*

*darts out of darkroom tent, snags a sprout sandwich, digs through her knapsack and fishes out several volumes on esoteric texts, and darts back in again*

Thanks, Redbeard...mm.

*GL is just starting to pick up snatches of the native conversation when a native comes running into the village, screaming some kind of warning of attack. The natives leader shouts: "to the burrow" and the natives start running towards one of the most decrepit-looking huts, which is dwarfed by a rocky outcropping immediately behind it. The chief tugs on GL's arm, urging him to follow. GL follows and is the last in the hut. Looking back, GL sees that the village now looks deserted and unused. He feels the chief tugging again and turns to see that the back of the hut has been pulled aside to reveal the mouth of a cave. GL rushes into the cave and a native pulls the thatch from the hut closed behind him. GL finds himself in a long tunnel, lit by torches on the walls. As GL makes to walk further into the cave to explore, the chief speaks to him:*

No further. Cave cursed. Krog hiding outside. Tell when all clear.

*Outside, a band of 6 horsemen gallop into the village square. They are dressed in black leather and, from a distance, appear to all have black hair and beards. They also appear to be wearing some kind of black hairy gloves and have clubs and nets hanging from thier saddles. They walk their horses around the village, peering into each hut. Apparently satisfied, they spur their horses to a gallop and leave the village.*

*Meanwhile, Odra's enhanced photos show the words: "...uribus Unum" and half of the image of an eagle and the date 2010.*

*Styx has slipped in behind GL during the excitement and now scurries ahead into the depths of the cave*

*stumbles out of her darkroom, blinking in the sudden light and looking terribly perplexed*

Affy, where did you say this portal led, again?

*furrows brow, thinking*
2012...2012...hmm.

*smacks forehead*
And they say FOX network terror exposes aren't educational! We're dealing with post-ending-of-Mayan-calendar Earth! The domesticated animals and small appliances and home electronics have risen up and overthrown the human race!

*realizes this sounds slightly silly*
Or, you know, not. But l think it a likely possiblility. l hope GL and Styx are careful...
*grumbles to self, regretting not going along with Styx, but returns to darkroom to further research*

GL must be holding one of the last U.S. coins ever minted, since it was 2010. l wonder what significance it holds for the tribe?

*Meanwhile, Lil has mounted Ferrari, who refused to have anything to do with slings and floating rafts, and the two of them are reconnoitering the easier underbrush, looking for an alternative route to the throbbing village. They find a well-beaten dirt trail and begin to walk toward the river*

Oh look, what beautiful orchids!

*Ferrari and Lil move off the trail into a grove of banyans just as a sound of hooves is heard. Six horsemen burst around a corner of the trail, heading away from the village at a hand gallop*

*Number three horseman ... or horse-entity ... sees Lil and Ferrari and shouts an exclamation, but even as Ferrari clenches his muscles to bound away they suddenly find orchids jumping off the branches above them. Orchids land on Lil's shoulders and Ferrari's mane and quarters.*

*The horsemen, who were about to charge into the banyan grove, suddenly back away, reroup, and resume their gallop away from the village*

~Silently stalks into village, noticing it's deserted nature. Looks around, and catches a whiff of wolf-musk coming from the most disused hut in the village. Smiles. Decides not to interfere with the natives until Garius has made some sort of report. At that moment a gigantic toaster oven monster emerges from the jungle nearby~

So they weren't scared of ME afterall!