h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It was d'E that was talking, Affy. Nice baked beans there, by the way. The cabbage soup can be used to ice the Queen's boots and...no, that's not right. Uh, the warp coil Hanuka...arghhhhhh!!!!!!!



Fudge popsicle ferris wheel, Affy. Nice left turn, igneous rock. Liver and brussel's sprouts are my favourite...yes sireee. Uh, tea and crumpets...snorkels!!!!!!!!


*Makes a hand signal for plain speach.*

If we get those fish to follow us, then when we hit the afterburners, the, uh K-thing will get a mess of fried fish. Let me give it a try.

*Pulls a microphone towards himself, flips the on switch and makes weird noises into the mike. Flips off the switch.*

Well, it's what a Gooper mating call sounds like to me.

*The fish inexplicably start to follow the sub, looking puzzled.*

[Protoman] It appears we're being pursued gradually.

*Affy watches through the portholes watching the rapidly approaching fish*

Hmmm....yes, but will they catch us in time....

[Protoman] Given our luck, maybe.

I could say that about anything. Might not be true, but I could.

Okay, everyone hold onto something. I'm going to hit the afterburners.

*The fish catch up, just as GL is reaching for the afterburner button (having waited for the last possible moment). He hits the button. There is a short pause, then he is thrown back in his seat as the sub squirts ahead like a watermellon seed squeezed between the fingers.*

Whoaaaaaaaaaaa! They work!

*The fish get flash fried and propelled directly towards the Kraken.*

*Affy watches out the porthole as a tentacle darts out, scooping up several fish*

Seems that worked out fairly well.

[Protoman] We aren't out of this yet. Don't jynx it.

Oh, don't worry, Protoman, we're travelling way faster than the Kraken can.

You know, I must admit, I had my doubts about those afterburners. Affy and I threw them together one afternoon from a couple of cans of beans and some duct tape. But the theory said they should work, and they have...

*GL's voice trails off as the afterburners begin to hiccup, then die out completely. GL repeatedly pushes the afterburner button, to no effect, then makes sure the conventional engines are at full speed. He turns to Affy.*

I just KNEW we shouldn't have eaten one of those cans of beans for lunch that day.

[Protoman] .....

*Affy looks out the porthole to see only about half of the fish remaining for the Kraken to consume*

At the speed he's eating, it looks like he's in a frenzy. We need to get moving again pretty quickly.

*Affy runs into the galley. He runs out with a concerned look on his face*

Garius, it seems that our cookbot decided that canned goods wouldn't be as fresh, and continually keeps us in stock with nothing but parishables. We really, really need that talk with him later.

[Roll] Oh no! What can we do??

[Protoman] I think I'll just be resigned.

No, no, that won't work. The Kraken can't see you being resigned from outside.

Garius, having pondered this situation for well over thirty seconds now, I've come up with four options.

One, we could go on the offensive. We don't really have a huge amount of weapons at are disposal, of course, but if we can get the first blow in we'd at least be a match for the kraken, thus giving us a fifty-fifty shot at getting out alive.

Two, we just keep moving at our normal speed without afterburners. We may cover enough distance for the Kraken to loose interest after it finishes its small cloud of aqua-fried fish.

Three, there's always the orange button option. I know that neither of us wants to push it again after what happened during the test run, but the odds of all of us surviving would be greater than if we actually fought the Kraken (though the odds of one or two surviving are probably greater with the Kraken option).

Fourth, we've probably got some snowzars on board, and if not we've got my OmeGauntlet. We could also throw a shield generator together with spare parts, especially for a vehicle this small. We could then convert the normal shielding arrangements to use the snowzars to create an "ice-shield" around us. The obvious dangers here, of course, are that the Kraken might wait around until the ice melts (or that the Kraken could get stuck in the snowzar blast to be frozen as well, thus giving him no choice), and our supplies might give out shortly before that occurs. However, it might give us more time to work out a decent strategy.

That's all I've got at the moment. Any other suggestions?

Do you think he'd fall for the same trick we used last time? You know, get him mad enough to spray a cloud of ink at us, then lose him in the murk?

[Protoman] Do we REALLY want to get a Krakken /mad/?

/* Thumbs through a copy of Reader's Digest. */

You guys really subscribe to this? I vote for the orange button.

Actually, getting the Kraken mad might not be a bad idea, assuming that we could be sure that it would spray the ink first. I'm going to back either the ink idea or the orange button.

*Finally realizes that the words being spoken are creating coherent sentences... mostly.*

Oh my, there really is a kraken out there? The orange button sounds good to me. But really, I will go along with whatever Affy and GL think is best.

[Protoman] If it's between getting the Krakken mad and the orange button, I vote for the orange button.

[Roll] I dunno ...

Well okay, then, it sounds like the majority want to go for the orange button instead of the ink.

*Reaches under the console and puts his finger on the orange button.*

You're all sure, now?

*Doesn't wait for an answer. With a twinkle in his eye, he pushes the button. Nothing seems to have changed. He looks around, but the only difference he can see is that the rear-view monitor seems to have gone black. He taps it with his finger, but it doesn't change. Looking more closely, the black isn't uniform. In fact it seems kinda swirly.*

Hey, this looks just like it looked when the Kraken inked us last time....

Wait a minute! I think the orange button cause an ink cloud to squirt out of our back end! Cool! We had the orange button AND the ink cloud.