h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Pushes the yellow button again, nothing happens. Pushes the red button again, nothing happens. Pushes the green button, the parachute retracts*

OK, the only button I haven't pressed is the blue one.

*Presses the blue button, the harness emits 6 laser beams*

Cool! Laser sights!

Not if you want the parachute to work, you can't.

Stupid WebJello. Last post doesn't make sense if I symlpost.

Of course it's real silk. Silkworms do just fine in the jungle, while synthetic fabric factories don't do well at all. In any case, I was once an interior decorator, before I became a terrorist operative...

I didn't design that harness so I don't remember exactly how it works, but I do recollect when H45 pushed two buttons together and achieved some sort of bungee effect.

*calls several bots over via radio. The boots grab hold of several trailing lanyards and haul the raft over to a corner, where they begin work on its upgrade*

*Has a sudden idea*

Say, Chesworth! We know enough about this timeline that, theoretically, we might be able to prevent any of this from ever happening if we could just get back in time! Now, we did have this big adventure thing planned so that we could get to a time rift, but since we're in CLI we could just use one of CLI's time travelling inventions! Like, is the TRC in a museum somewhere, or is the mini-UFO functional, or are there any copies of the Anachronomicon lying around?

*In his heart he knows that it won't be this easy, but he decides that it's worth at least clarifying just why it won't be this easy before they leave the Crater*

*Eleven seems to go into sleep mode for several moments. Then he turns to Affi*

Chesworth wishes me to inform you that she personally conveyed all time machinery, diagrams, plans, and scrawled-on napkins to the Temple of the Guide and submitted them to the care of the Underguide. This was just after the Temple itself had mysteriously closed its doors. Today the Underguide is an arm of the Resistance, but communication is difficult, as the left hand cannot risk knowing what the right hand is doing. There are spies everywhere, at least outside these labs.

*bots guide the newly refurbished raft back across the lab, looking as proud of themselves as it is possible for bots to do*

The bots wish me to describe what they have done. First, solar power has been installed, and the solar panels are extendable in such a way that you should find flight much more aerobatic. The panels fold up like bat wings.

The entire hull is now transparent, including the megarubber that was used to coat it and the pontoons. The rigging has been replaced with shigacore hemp. The masts are now carbon, the fuel tanks are wiremesh-based balloons that can be moved for load-balancing, and we made sure all the controls are properly labeled.

The bowsprit was, we thought, infeasible in the time we had, but the anti-personnel nets had not occurred to us. *uses a remote to deploy bright red fabric all around the raft, like a hovercraft skirt*

Please don't touch! This fabric has been made from poisonous jellyfish stings. A determined enemy might still find a way to jump on board from a higher position, but if they try to grab hold of this it will tear away, leaving them with a fist full of tentacles. The net is nanotech and will self-heal. You'll find a supply of salve on board in case anyone comes in contact with it accidentally. Forty-Nine believes it will also provide shelter for the group, in a pinch, as it can be unrolled to a length of six feet.

*hits the remote again to retract the net, and hands the remote to the nearest person, which happens to be Witty*

We have installed a small fruitcake gun in the bows. The ammunition is being generated even now.

You will find a small galley in the stern, in which we incorporated the espresso machine we found in the bilges, together with a tea kettle. All solar powered.

Finally, in respect to its original owner, we have given the raft a name. *points to the name ODRADEK painted on both bows, with the O made into the traditional eye*

*Witty looks at the remote that Eleven just handed her. It has more than one button on it. One is orange, which is no surprise and Witty knows not to press it. One has a jellyfish icon on it, which she assumes is the skirt control. There are several more.*

Okay then, this kettle icon is clearly for tea and the coffee cup must be for espresso machine.

*Looks at the bow.*

Odradek would love this.

*Nods at Eleven's reasons for not having time travel info available, as if it were fated*

Yeah, Odradek would get a kick out of this.

Witty, does one of those buttons happen to be one that will "deflate" the raft?

*Pushes the yellow and green buttons on the harness, to no immediate effect*

*sniff* May the deity of your choice bless her and all who sail in her!

Affi, perhaps we can put our hands on your time travel stuff when we finally get to the Temple. At the moment, I can't think how else we'll get home.

*Hands the remote to GDZ.*

I may be wrong, but this icon here looks like a puffer fish to me. I'll bet that handles the inflation/deflation function. Why don't you give it a try?

*anoints the bow of the raft with , at Lil's words*

It is a truly magnificent vessel and 'raft' is a rather nice understatement,

*Has peered over the edge of the Odra* They've upgraded the instrument panel, so it won't be tragic if we lose the remote!

Ah, bench seating, pilot and co-pilot seats... and a kennel!

*Pushes the pufferfish button, the raft deflates. Picks up the raft and puts it into a pocket on his harness. Places the remote into one of the many pockets on his harness.*

This is so cool!

*slips the green glove under her belt and picks up the Beretta she found earlier. Rummaging around, she finds a holster for the Beretta*

sea, can I store a few cases of bullets in your pocket of destiny, please?

*bots carry over two boxes, one full of small fruitcakes. The other box is marked with a hazard warning*

[Eleven] We have generated a small case of fruitcake ammunition and are giving you the nano generator so that you can make more as the occasion arises. Dr. Zomnker,you may wish to reflate the raft for these and any other last-minute supplies that your fellow salonistas would rather not carry.

Chesworth will be here shortly to see you off. At the moment she is watching a situation upstairs. But she wishes you to know that, once you depart, you will not be able to double back. You need to rendezvous with a squad of CLIbots on the other side of the lake; after that we will be able to stay in touch with you and offer directions, advice and doughnut recipes.

Woah! We can't double back? Guys, we may want to rethink our immediate travel plans if this is our last homely house instead of our garthe's equipment shoppe. Much as I'd like to do both the Atelier and this Temple thing, the Temple sounds like the better bet for getting back to our time.

Or do you simply mean that we can't come back to this room with all the other supplies?

*Reinflates the raft, after removing it from his pocket*

We definitely have to get everything we need before leaving.

*stows her crossbow, carameliser and the things in the relevant pockets, dusts off a few fruit crumbs*

I'm ready when you are.

Affi, I thought he meant we can't get back into this complex once we're on our way to Admin Level 2 via the lake. The map shows all kinds of tunnels and there must be lots of ways to get back here seeing as they've collapsed the corridor we came in.

After all, bots will be meeting us on the other side of the lake.

Say, why do we have to go to Admin Level 2? Apart from maybe acquiring cool new inventory, I mean.