h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Faced with so many choices of weaponry, Witty can't make up her mind.*

I just don't know. The Nudger concept really jumped out at me, but it's just not available. Just my luck. I guess I'll stick with my nano-gun and stitching gear. They haven't failed me yet. And I've got the blasting caps that go with Lil's supply of semtex.

The polka gun idea is just plain evil! Making people hear polka music all the time?!?

/* Pretends not to hear about the purple-crayon mustache */

I suppose I could use a new weapon, or at least operating instructions for this one. I never really figured out what the six colored nozzles do when you twist the knobs, and the ammo clip that I forced in didn't seem to quite fit, so now I can't get it out. But gosh, there are so many fine weapons to choose from, how can I decide?

You don't happen to have one that could be triggered by the barks of a dog and could be clipped to a collar, do you? Zeppo doesn't have any weapon at all.

Zeppo got factory-installed weapons!

*lifts zeppo's doggy lips to show his teeth*

*ogles the store of conventional weapons*



*hands itch*

I reckon Zeppo's intentions are the very best, but I worry about his ability to discriminate, d'E...

It's true that CLI bots can be emotional, but Eleven spoke rather specifically about wishful thinking as a feature of the latest Omegauntlet. *looks in the weapons lab*

What's this bright green little thing? *picks it up and admires how it adjusts to fit her hand*

Got anything that throws up a force field? That might be handy to give us extra minutes to get away.

Or could you just realign the laser site on my crossbow so that it is more effective?

*looks at the array weapons and doesn't quite know where to begin*

Do we have time for a tea break whilst we decide?

What a great idea!

/* Zeppo uses the *other* weapon that nature provided him, and begins licking sea relentlessly */


Or maybe I could just augment my current weapon with these unassembled parts from this work bench over here. Eventually if I put enough parts together that I have no clue what they do, I should end up with something that does exactly what I want, or at least that's how the theory goes. Yes, yes, the theory needs testing, but there's no time like the present. This oscillating bit looks interesting, and this duct tape will help it fit on quite nicely... and this crystalline display attaches to the handle with only a minimum of twisting and bending...


Tea is just the thing, I think.

Hey Affy, GL, I don't suppose this raft in my pocket could be upgraded?

*quickly makes a fresh brew of and also and places several slices of fruit cake on a plate*

Help yourselves.

*places her crossbow on a work bench, for the laser sight to be realigned*

*polishes up her carameliser, then takes a cup of and a slice of cake*

Theoretically it could be updated. What woud you want it to do?

*Notes the thing on Lil's hand*

Hmmm....might be an energy glove or something. You know, create an envelope of damaging energy around your hand to give a little extra "oomph" when you punch something.

*to Lil* Mr. Afgncaap5 is just about right. It sets up a wave of force against something when you strike it, the harder the object is the better. Doesn't seem to do much against living things, but is great for doors and walls and such. Just put it on like a glove.

*does a double take* Excuse me, is that ... fruitcake? *approaches, clearly very excited* Do you think I might have a sample? Now that we've appropriated the nanotechnology, we may be able to duplicate the candied fruit!

*gently picks up a slice and bears it over to another corner of the lab, where several bots have been working near clean cages with gloves. Soon the group are huddled over the cake, practically touching antennae*

Well, I was thinking that the lines should be more arrow proof, maybe some "hull plating", maybe a weapon or two. Whatcha think, is it doable?

I don't konw about hull plating, but we can definitely make it more defensive. And a weapon or two, that'd be easy.

Hmmm....what's this one do?

*Picks up a big grey box with a button on top. He casually pushes the button*

Box's voice-Push and hold to test.

*Affy shrugs, and pushes the box for a longer amount of time*

Box's voice-Release to detonate.

Smooth move, Affy. I wonder what kind of shrapnel is in that box. You had better duct tape that button down before your hand gets tired.

*Eleven returns hastily to the group holding a beaker of a clear substance, which he pours over Affi's hand holding the box*

That will wear off in about half an hour and you'll be able to let go of the box with no side efects. You've discovered one of a series of anti-personnel devices we've deployed against the minions of STUMPED (Some Totally Unintelligent Mercenaries Posing as Excellent Defenders). If you had let go of the button, something would have happened that would frighten you out of your wits, if you were as feebleminded as they are, on average. You, Mr. Affi, are probably not much bothered by large green snake decoys.

But I have spared you the bother of having to deal with the fake bite and the faux swelling. It's probably best if you avoid touching any other such boxes you find.

*turning to GDZ* We have a fabric coating called Kanvlar. It lends a degree of protection against punctures. Would you like us to apply it to your raft? Is this the same raft that has been drifting above the jungle for millennia?It has resisted our attempts to board it. It has also resisted the ACEs and STUMPED factions.

*Pulls the raft out of his pocket*

Is this the raft you are speaking of? It is the one I would like upgraded.

*enjoying her and half listening to the conversation*

I don't mind snakes, they feel warm and firm to the touch. Like rats' tails.

*Idly rummages through the weapons cache, not much interested in the various weapons until he comes upon an ordinary-looking throwing knife. He picks it up and nods admiringly at the balance and the weight. He holds it by the blade and looks around for something to throw it at. He sees a wooden support post on the far side of the room, and in one blurred motion, draws back his arm and throws the knife. The knife seems to appear, quivering, in the support post.

Gord nods to himself in approval and takes a step towards the post to recover the knife. He stops when he sees the now still knife start to quiver again. The quivering increase in magnitude until the knife frees itself from the wood and hurls itself back across the room to fall at Gord's feet. Gord's mouth drops open in amazement. He picks up the knife and turns it over and over in his hands, eyes wide. He turns to Chesworth.*

Can I...Can I have this? Please?