h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~Muffled screech~

LET ME OUT OF HERE THIS INSTANT! I QUIT AND I KNOW THE WAY OUT NOW!



*A knife blade from inside the pocket pierces the fabric beside the zipper and saws its way around the outside of the zipper. The zipper and padlock fall to the floor and Feisty Maid jumps out. She faces sea, hands on hips*

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THROWING ME BACK INTO THAT PIG STY? OR SHOULD I SAY, HORSE STALL. I'VE SPENT YEARS OF MY LIFE LOST IN THERE, CLEANING JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT, AND I HARDLY MADE A DENT! THEN YOU THROW IN TWO MEDICINE-THIEVING YAHOOS AND A HORSE! BUT AT LEAST THEY SHOWED ME THE WAY OUT.

NOW, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE CHARGED WITH ABDUCTION, FORCABLE CONFINEMENT AND UNLAWFUL USE OF DEGENERATE IDIOTS FOR PURPOSE OF CRUELTY TO MAIDS, THEN I SUGGEST YOU COUGH UP MY PAY. IMMEDIATELY!

*as the others drift in different directions, Lil gets a cup of tea from the euphoric Matina, sits down with a backlog picked from the floor at random, and begins to read*

*several orchids [we've all had orchids on all along, right?] creep down her arm and attach to the blog*

*watches at Toby clambers out of the bag, looks around, sees Red Dog and whickers with recognition*

*Decides it would be best to go grab a shower while sea settles things with her maid.*

Ummmm, I'll be back.


If sea doesn't stitch up that pocket we'll be leaving a trail of junk wherever we go.

*Looks over at Toby*

I've heard of letting the ~cat~ out of the bag...

Zeppo, no shoe!

*Eats his pie. Has an idea.*




*breaks off a small piece of pie and holds it out for Zeppo*

Here, Zeppo. Want some pie?

*Cleaning up*

*runs up to Toby, who takes an immediate liking to peanut whisky*

*emerges from one of the guest rooms, feeling wonderously refreshed*

There will be nothing of that!

*pulls Red Dog away from Toby, rather more violently than necessary*

Tsk, tsk - getting innocent animals drunk!*dangerously close to morphing into someone else*

Well, unless we go with my first idea about using Toby as a pack animal, we'll have to leave him here with Matina and Chloe, because sea is out of pocket.

A pack animal might be necessary. You don't think Matina will let us out of here with enugh provisions to stock a supermarket, do you?

*reading more backlog* "Posted 25,000 years ago by ORKYDORKY -- We had rain this morning followed by light easterly winds. Anybody want to make an issue of it?"

*sighs*

*looking refreshed, combat suit cleaned and pressed, hair shiny and sleek (but won't stay that way if it gets damp) and smelling of M&S body spray, re-enters*

That's better!

"Posted 25,000 years ago by ORKYDORKY -- We had rain this morning followed by light easterly winds. Anybody want to make an issue of it?"

Sounds almost like someone who use to cause us all sorts of trouble in our day, doesn't it?

thought I should mention that I forgot to say I returned all nice and clean

/* Zeppo eyes the pie, and tugs harder on the shoe */

GL, Zeppo has been ignoring this entire plate of food, I don't think that little bit of pie will do anything. There must be something about that shoe.

*Returns, towel drying her hair.*

I feel so much better.


Is GL still wearing flippers?

I'll have you know that they are shoes, not flippers! How could you even imagine that I would wear flippers - flippers would make me look ridiculous.

Besides, there weren't any flippers in sea's pocket.


*Eats the bit of pie he was offering to Zeppo. Looks around desperately for something to distract Zeppo from his shoe. Spies a bit of wood sticking out from the pile of debris he is sitting on. Pulls it out and waves it at Zeppo.*

Look Zeppo! A stick! Get the stick!

*Throws the stick into the library.*

*Amos has been eating ravenously. He now uncorks a bottle of wine and tips it back*

Arrrrrr! I hoped the alcohol would do it! Them orchids can't hear a thing if you gets some alcohol in yer blood. I was feeling like a tellyphone interchange. Knocked me unconscious at first when they started jabberin away, but now me head is clear. Matina darlin, we'll be needin gin and vodka to go.

*a rat-ant enters from the library, carrying the stick Garius threw*

Heh, I see that soldiers been keeping up with youse. Have you lads tried the ham?

*antennae twitching, the rest of the rat-ants come into the salon*
[a rat-ant, holding a struggling orchid to its forehead] We have spam mines near Rathome, which we use to feed the sewer monsters and for army rations. We have no desire for pork products. May we partake of the other food?

Now that's useful, if we could only find a way to prevent the orchids sticking to us, we could use them as universal translators instead of babel fish if none are around.

*washes hands that have become quite sticky*

I wonder what's up with Zeppo and that fli- uh - 'shoe'?

*accepts the stick back from the rat-ant with an insincere smile*

Thank you.

*Waves the stick in front of Zeppo.*

Go get it, Zeppo.

*Throws the stick onto the balcony.*

I still can't tell which way you're facing, Amos, but it's good to hear the real you.

I think you have to be a demon, technically, like these rat-ants or Styx, to have the orchids avoid you. I wonder why that is?