h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ladies and gentlemen... and others... I would like to welcome you here on this very special day, to celebrate the re-opening of h2g2's first and foremost addiction prediction establishment.

We are delighted to welcome a newly qualified specialist, Doctor Munchkin, who joins our fine practice at this time, and I understand he needs all the practice he can get.

I am also overjoyed to introduce to you our most noble patron and right royal worthiness, King Cthulhu of Balwyniti, and it is now my privilege to ask his eminence to formally cut the ribbon and declare the new post-BBC clinic officially open.

My liege... *hands King the scissors*

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Thank you, thank you. If I may indulge in just a short note first, I would like to tell yuo all what a pleasure it is for me to be here today. The case of addiction to h2g2 is well established, and many researchers are moved to tears by their inability to be at a computer from which they can access h2g2. We are here today in a gesture of support to these many, many researchers, to let them know that they are not alone and that there is hope for them yet.

We do not say that any persons coming to this clinic will be cured of their addiction; indeed, such an outcome seems entirely unlikely. On the off-chance that it does occur, however, we have extensive support facilities available for the patient to spend many an hour wiling away and congratulating themselves on such a fine acheivement. I hope that this clinic will experience the surge in attendance it so richly deserves, and that the owners are showered in so many Altarian dollars that they need a shovel to get out of bed.

I conclude now by saying that the h2g2 Addiction Clinic is a fine establishment that will cater to the every whim of its patients. Please, feel free to join in the festivities that will surely ensue after the cutting of this ribbon, and then when you are worn out from the festivities, be sure to check yourself into the h2g2 Addiction Clinic. I hereby declare, per my Royal decree, the h2g2 Addiction Clinic officially OPEN!

*cuts ribbon*

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*applauds loudly and enthusiastically, and shouts 'here here' rather a lot*

I would like to thank our noble patron for his most excellent speech, and the clinic has erected this plaques in his honour. *points to plaque @ A206894*

Now then... please help yourself to and and feel free to post a donation to this charitable cause in the box on the wall.

*starts handing round drinks*

*bows*

*peers nervously through the door*

Am I late?

*starts clapping again and drops a tray of *

Oh !!!

You spammer you.

Spammer?

Are we all wearing little badges that say 'Hi, my name's...'?
And when's the group therapy where we tell each other our experiences?

*sweeping in, eyes handsome doctor*

Hmmm - I'm addicted, but I'm not all that sure I want to be cured!*flaming look*

Moi?

Just being friendly.

*mops up tray of spilt drinks*

My little addiction was supposed to be my little secret, How did you find out ???
I can control it you know, I'm getting better every day.
A.M.

Yay AM! Not often we see you round these parts. Glad you could join us.

Grab a couch... settle back... and tell Auntie Sus all about it...

I'm not addicted, I can give h2g2 up any time I want. Any time.


...just not right now, okay?

That's the ticket Mr T.

So when did you first feel the need to wear a spring onion? *peers over half-moon spectacles and tries to look serious and alert*

It all started a few weeks ago, when I was invited to go to a place known as "The North", where nothing is quite as it seems...

Thanks Auntie 'sus. It's a long story...
I blame this DNA guy that everyone raves about.
There he was on TV saying come on over and help me write a guide to everything, so all unsuspecting like I blunder in here and next thing I know I'm doing things I've never done before...(sob)
Writing about anything that comes to mind.. motorbikes.. memorials... (say it softly), wire coat hangers...
Then I'm all burnt out, so I hang around in the shadows... endlessly pacing the fora in the wee small hours looking for... I dunno what. But just when I think I can go cold turkey and end it all, something comes up that I've just got to read... and it starts all over...
It's being so cheerfull that keeps me going
A.M.

*wearing a 'hi my name is Sad Mad or Bad' badge*

That was beautiful, king
All ready I'm benefitting from this place! Two conversations here to add to my many others!

*nods at Mr T and hmmms for a bit*Go on...

*comforts AM*There there... let it all out. We're all friends here you know...

When it all gets too much, I recommend a fishing trip to the Island of Dreams.http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A203347 Just relax... catch a few fish... soak up the sights...