h2g2 Addiction Clinic

19 Conversations

Someone online (on h2g2) hooked up to a drip!
This clinic is dedicated to our noble patron U145910, who officially opened the smiley - starnew smiley - star clinic on 22 July 2001. Long may he rule the h2g2 Statistics Board.

Can’t unwind any more? Always aching for that next hit? Do you look forward to going to
work, just so you can log on? You can’t eat..... you can’t sleep.....

Relax..... have a cigar..... make yourself at home! H2G2 is full of high court judges, failed
saints, advertising salesmen, graphic designers, IT support executives..... they’re all here!

Signs of Addiction

  • not eating1
  • lack of sleep/insomnia2
  • dreaming of your next forum posting or user page3
  • making up complicated excuses to allow you more time on-line4
  • ignoring the gas and water bills, so you can pay the phone bill without re-


Firstly, make yourself comfortable on the couch, which was generously donated to the clinic by U91632.

There is a stage before total immersion, where treatment is still just about possible (but
usually heavily resisted). If you wish to seek treatment (though understandably, few addicts
do), you will almost certainly need the assistance of a
NAFF-LIAR.7 It will be their job to coax you away from the computer with
tempting offers of participation in real life. There are a number of ways in which the
symptons of H2G2 addiction can be used to advantage by NAFF-LIARs to try to separate you
from the machine:

  1. Undernourishment - an excellent way to utilise this symptom is by the offer of an
    exquisite meal at an expensive restaurant. A promise of breakfast, lunch or dinner at
    'Milliways' is often highly effective. Said meal has both the psychological effect of
    re-kindling the sensual pleasures of real life, and the physical effect of nourishing and
    rehabilitating the addict's wasting flesh.8
  2. Insomnia - the most practical way to cure this, is complete isolation from your
    computer, even if this means spending a few days at Uncle Bob’s dilapidated caravan in
    Southend. This has the effect of removing the major cause of your sleep deprivation, so that
    your normal bodily functions can intervene. 9
  3. Lack of physical activity - sitting at a computer can result in long periods of little
    movement. However, it should be stressed that over-exertion can also result in long periods of
    little movement, and confinement to less active pastimes (eg surfing the
  4. Lack of social activity - 'social activity' can be defined as 'interaction between yourself
    and other individuals on a personal, emotional, creative and informative level'. Therefore, use
    of H2G2 may actually increase your social activity (although you cannot interact in a
    'physical' way), and is therefore in fact an excellent way to improve your social
  5. Escalating phone bills - although this is one of the most painful symptoms of addiction,
    it can also be a catalyst to reducing your habit. Of course, the completely addicted will not
    want to cut back, and therefore it is recommended that you spend as much time here as
    possible talking to other addicts, who will gladly let you know as soon as they have found a
    free ISP.

However, H2G2 addiction is not a solitary thing. You are not alone..... you’re never
alone..... not here! There are many more addicts out there, willing to share their experiences,
offer their support and sympathy, or simply heighten your addiction with their witty repartee!
To gain maximum insight and benefit from this wonderful community, the clinic will have a regular guest psychiatrist. If you feel you can offer some time and guidance to
compulsive h2g2ers, please volunteer below.

The resident psychiatrist is U55447.

If it’s all become too much, and even a nice fresh cup of really hot tea doesn’t quite do
the trick, why not take a virtual fishing trip to The Island of Dreams and just let it all
wash over you.

Are you an Addictee?

What one thing/person/entity are you really addicted to? Apply now for your 'Addicteeeship' in the addict thread below. State the reasons why you believe you deserve your Addictee title, and if bestowed, you will be entitled to use the addition 'Addictee of...' your specific addiction, after your name. Just add a link from your space, back to the Addiction Clinic.


1you can’t even dial-a-pizza as that would mean
2why waste eight hours sleeping, when they could
be spent ‘productively’ on h2g2?
3when you finally pass
out from sheer exhaustion
4”I can’t
come out tonight, I’ve got to re-grout the bathroom”
5you can live without heat, but not without your Internet
6Compulsive addicts should not be allowed to read this section, as
they may use the information to avoid family/friends’ attempts at curing
7Non-Addicted Family/Friend - Living In Actual
8Try doing an Internet search under
‘chic restaurants’..... then ‘out-of-this-world eateries’..... then ‘The Restaurant at the End of
the Universe’.....
9You may find that you then
spend the next forty-eight hours in bed. Any potential boredom can easily be avoided by
inviting a 'close' friend to join you.
10A series of finger, wrist and neck stretching and flexing exercises are
recommende, and can be done whilst waiting for particularly long and interesting forums to
11When you do meet other people IRL, you will have loads to talk

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