h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*waves to Redbeard and Lintilla and sips cappucino, but the foam ends up all over his beard*
Er...thank-you...both.
*Ook looks up from scrabble board*
Ook: OOK!

I'm sorry stranger, but your beard seems to be, hmmm, well i would have to describe it as, ummm, sort of falling off.

Perhaps some Rogaine would help with the beard?

Blast!...er..em...*cough, cough*
Blast!
*tries to stick beard back on, but the cappucino foam has now dissolved most of the glue. The beard hangs at a precarious, slightly lopsided angle. Leans on counter with one hand propping up his head, and holding the beard in place, while sipping from cappucino with other.
So..er..this is the Aroma Cafe, right? My name is Ba... *cough, cough*..is..er...Smith, yeah, John Smith *tries to smile through the false beard*

Well hello Mr. ummm...Mr. Smith. Yes it is. I'm Lintilla, and this is Redbeard. He may be right about the rogaine. Did you need something for that cough? It sounds umm, sort of forced.

Good to meet you Mr. Smith. Listen, I'm a reporter with the Post and I'm doing an article about the cafe. Could I interview you on the record?

* A postcard thuds onto the mat. There are some attractive mountains pictured on the front

It reads:-

Hi all!

Am wading up the Yellow River in my patent rubber galoshes. Weather is good. Food is dire. Fish are friendly.
Wish I was there!
Hugs to all.

Vlad.

The postcard stops thudding.*

Hey look! A postcard from Vladimir...
>Ook: Ook???<
That's right, Ook.
*Ook rushes over to read the postcard*
>Ook: Ook!!!<

Carefully takes postcard from Ook. We'll leave it here on the counter, Ook and you can read it any time. This way everyone else can read it too.

Well that was nice for Vlad to drop us a note.

*sets down "H-I-S-T-O-R-Y"*
double word score!

Vlad! Cool!..er...
Vlad...who?....er...as to being interviewed on a record, I get dizzy you know, so perhaps not. What sort of things would you be asking? Just out of curiosity, of course, this is my first time here *gestures and sploshes cappucino on trenchcoat, while still trying to smile through beard*

Mr. Smith, may we call you John?

*is having such a splendid time wandering about the porch trying to see the statue that she completely forgets that she needed to be somewhere else twenty minutes ago and has now missed the bus*

Bloody heck.
Ah well...
*takes off through the forest, frantically shuffling through bus schedule*

*over shoulder*
Hi, Babel. Hi, Smith. Bye all!

Babel? Where has he gotten to?
*looking puzzled*

*looks around, looks over shoulder*
Er Hi and Bye Odr...mysterious researcher I have never met before. Who is Babel?
*gives up on coffee and orders something with a straw from the IIEM*
*sips cola*
That's easi..better!

Oh Babel-17 is just a summer caretaker here at the Cafe. I'm sure he would love to meet you. Actually come to think of it you two seen to have a lot in common.

I see we're still on self service here, at the moment.

IIEM: {~}k, please.

*sees that there are stiil some danish pastries left, helps herself to a cheese danish*

Howdy stranger, new in town?

*comes in through back door and stops dead, taking in 1. wet splotch in corner of porch that smells of cider, 2. postcard vibrating faintly on counter, 3. small bundle of charred cornflowers on table, 4. Redbeard in fedora 5. the faint outline of a sculpture out on the porch, and 6. a certain fellow researcher struggling with a fake beard and a patch of gum spirit*

Ah, hi y'all. *goes to IIEM and checks transponder* Hm. Why should this Monday be different from other Mondays?

*goes out to back porch, where it is evening, taking astrolabe out of her handbag, and makes some observations*

Mercury went direct at 13:30 BST. That must be it. Oh, the card is from Vlad! Nice!

Er, sort of, my name is er John Smith.
*turns to lintilla*
What makes you think I have a lot in common with this caretaker chappie?
*shifts weight slightly from one foot to the other, not looking anybody directly in the eye and decides it's best to just sip some more cola through the straw*

Hi, Lil. Good to see you. Like the hat?

Mr. Smith, if you're new here, perhaps you could use an official welcome at your home. This caretaker chap is actually an Assistant Community Editor, and I'm sure he'd be happy to stop by and welcome you, or I could, or maybe both of us at the same time

*coughs and splutters as he chokes on a mouthful of cola*