h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm a pacifist! And so is the blackcurrant jam! Let me explain...

There is a small but very useful feature built into my blackcurrant jam that I haven't told anybody about, especially not the USAF. What happens, you see, is that as soon as the jam hears anything that sounds that missiles or gunfire, it says, "Stop it! I don't like it! You're hurting people!" Preliminary tests have proven that this has a remarkable effect on the pilots/troops/sailors/squirrels that are using it, and usually causes the end of hostilities.

So please call the protest off

Trust me - it is true. The jam really works. It's the answer to world hunger and world peace at the same time - and goes down really well on Toast from Tibet. Still not as nice as Honey, though...

That's a debatable point. One that I am not going to debate though.

Because you know that jam will never be honey, and honey will never be jam.
And steak will never be beef, and beef will never be spam.

And Amen for that!

And Fred will never be George.

And a roasted amoeba is never a fish, and a fish is never a cheese, and a cheese is never a roasted amoeba.

You hit the nail on Harold.

Erm... ignore that.

I'll take mine black and then I'll just shuffle over to the corner there and read my book...

one black coffee it is, then!

~Irving

Can I have a coffee too.... with two very large lumps?

Come on - that's the worst comment in the history of bad comments...
And people wonder why I don't like you Venuses... Venus in Blue is just rediculous.

You could always give 'her' the lumps a la Three Stooges - with a big mallet...

*staggers in half awake*

Coffee.....please!! 1sugar, spalsh of cream. Stand a spoon in it!!

*opens eyes...looks around a bit confused*

Irv, you seem to be missing a statue?

*sniff....sniff* Do I smell spam?
Tomatoe sauce? Where is that lovely aroma coming from?

*glances toward 'window'.....blinks*

Guys, I think I just saw someone hanging from the roof by their feet!
Seriously........man, I need some coffee.

*wanders to door. opens door leans out, looking up*

Excuse me! Does Irv know you're up there?

*shrugs, closes door*

*looks up from sprinkling our waitress*
Hi Luna!

geez, I thought I saw something out of the orner of my eye, too, but in here you never know...
*adds more sauce*

looks like our "helena in Tomato sauce" has to work double shifts as objèct d'art...

*Suddenly appears out of thin air by the side of the coffee machine*
*Looks around at the crowd in the cafe, the confused expession slowly leaves his face and turns into a smile*

I guess I've been brought here just in time to make a round of very tasty coffee!

*Shuffles around the coffee machine and prepares everyone in the cafe a super duluxe mug of Dan's world famous coffee*

D@A

*accepts coffee with a grateful smile*
Thanks Daniel!
That's a pretty neat trick. Can you teach me?

kats-eyes, it must have been an SEP field or something. Then again, maybe someone should check out the 'window'.
Ah, well. Off to work for me.
Thanks again for the coffee.
Oh...and save me some of that wonderful smelling spam! Please.

*stops decorating Helena and waves*

hullo Dan!
great idea you're having there - I take one, big and strong.
Coffee break, Helena?

pity that Bluebottle isn't here, he'd love to wash up

will do Luna - I hope you didn't mean Helena though
we can always ask RA to toast it...