h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, when I was passing on my jetski, I distinctly heard someone making an election speech "If you vote for me as virtual prez, I shall let you into my fold and then'll we'll have fulfilled Nostradamus's prophecy about 'The blinfolded leading the blind fold' and we'll all live happily ever after"

Perhaps you should ask the Cute Red Haired Girl if she can hold a seance and make contact with your hostage so you can negotiate for his reincarceration. If you're within touching distance of Cute Red Haired Girl, it means you can reach a happy Medium.

As for building a nudist beach in a sewer, well I suppose it smells just like Blackpool beach and would easily fool a Ripoff Tours customer and maybe even their Guide Dog.

I don't think the monsters would mind as nudist beach in the sewer - they find those bikinis hard to swallow at the best of times. The thing is, what with HRASC - all H2G2 Beaches are nudist beaches. It's too dangerous otherwise, what with the sharks and all.

Incidently, there's a loo at:
http://www.h2g2.com/A358841
for all your toilet and nose-powdering needs.

*finally finds the door handle for the cupboard and walks out only to trip over the mop he got out earlier*

Was the EV's voice I heard, I hope he has a blindfold on too.

I'm not going all the way across the Town Square to go to the Public Toilets. You Gents can make your own arrangements but the ladies will stick with The Ladies'. Anyway, we've just had it retiled.

Its so much easier that having to clean them when you can't see.

There is a slight problem with the retiling vs cleaning option tho. The space available for powdering noses is reduced with each retiling. This lead to an increase in the mass of the ladies loos, and eventually forms a black hole from which no one or thing can escape, no matter how many times you flush. I beg of you, for the sake of huwomanity, desist from this practice.

Oh and Bluebottle, the answer to the question (from the other public conveniences) as to why women go to the loo in pairs may be related to female employment traditions. You never see male eau pairs do you?

It's true that you don't see male eau pairs - but then, I've never seen a female one either.
But you could be right, I guess, but it doesn't really explain why they go together at a young age.

Do you practice comedy or does this level just come naturally to you Honestly, Cathode, eau pair...

BTW wumbeevil I think the tiling will be all right because it looks like Menza had the sense to take down the old tiles before applying new ones so you can sleep easy tonight Actually, I think most of them fell off as he was banging his head on them all but I guess it's a quick way to do it...

Anyway, women go in pairs into the toilet because we like to have someone with us incase there's anyone scary in there. Everyone knows how bitchy girls get when in packs...er groups (I'm female I'm allowed to say that) so we don't want to be the one to wander into a large crowd of gossiping girls on our own. Hence, we take a friend and leave them stood outside by the sinks as a form of security
Also we need to have someone to tell us if our hairs alright still, if we've got lipstick on our teeth, if the bloke at the bar is really eyeing us up or more importantly if we've got loo roll stuck to our shoes... so generally two people=less embarrasment

After some hopelessly flawed psychological testing I'm free . . er no I mean, I have discovered that all females are Psychological Siamese Twins joined at the Handbag. This can be seen in their ritual dancing as they perform the Shallweweewee dance around said items before taking them to the Ladies.

This tends to die out in later years, as older women prefer to spend their time grumbling about the price of cabbage and just wee where they stand, usually in Post Offices, so as not to lose their place in the queue for those awaiting death. Besides handbag size grows with age and it would be impossible to get two pensioners' handbags into the same loo at the same time.

Ah, thank you Tinkerbell for clearing up one of the mysteries of the universe, and I shall rest easy knowing that Menza is a sensible, if blindfolded and accident-prone, tiler.

Just one question, why do you go to the Ladies to eat lipstick? This is quite legal and can be performed in public without breaching any etiquette rules.

*flushes loo, unlocks door*

I've finished now Tinkerbell. Do you want to go? I'll hold your handbag.

Thanks Amy, I was waiting for someone else to come in here

Wumbeevil we don't eat lipstick, we eat lipbalm but only if it tastes nice, lip stick is only eaten if it was mistaken for lipbalm which would make a terrible mess and Menza wouldn't like it

*The blind Wumbeevil examines the dead pigeon and starts to wonder. He plucks out it's eyes and inserts them into his own sockets*

I can see! I can see! Coo, and there are no side effects.Coo!

Praise the Coo Lord, tis a miracle. *crashes into a recently tiled wall*

Coo, who put that there?

Coo, Amy for some reason I feel like jumping and landing on your head. Coo!

Cool, are you any relation to the Dove from above, is it like the Pigeon from below? Honoured to finally meet you, but you might want to take more care near the tiles, they still need grouting and your feathers might get stuck to the glue

*sprinkles a line of corn on the floor to tempt the Wumbeevil out into the bar*

Hmmm, are you trying to take him with you or get him out of here? Actually do you really think it's wise to let him loose in public, if his pigeon elements not house trained Menza will have a fit

coo.Yeah quite like the pigeon from below, or the skua from the sewer. I don't know how Peregrin stands this, coo, I can't take it any more. Coo, Amy, I'm gonna have to land on your head, a pigeon's gotta doo what a pigeon's gotta doo.

*Wumbeevil leaps into the air and lands, not on Amy's head, but astride the bin, causing an almighty scream and his eyes to pop out. He turns to the sink and says...*

Ah that's better, deflighted to meet you Tinkerbell. Thanks for the warning about the glue, but it's usually small birds of prey that get trapped, not Chinese Ho Ming Pigeons. You must have heard of kites on the tiles?

*Predictably, Wumbeevil stumbles over the mop and gets his good hand stuck to the wall*

Oh for goodness sake come here *wanders over to Wumbeevil then wonders if it's safe to help, decides it probably isn't so offers her hand and pulls him to his feet*

Honestly, men in toilets, first of all there's Menza with his head banging and now there's you with your hand stuck

I thought he'd be entertaining out there in the bar where he can interact with more people. But if he's going to land on their heads then maybe it's not such a good notion.

skua from the sewer . Ha! LOL

Did someone mention a bar? Do they serve bittern? Could you be a tweet Amy and lead me to it tuwu?

*wrenches tile from wall with tongue*