h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A fictional aaaaaardvark or an aaaaaaardvark that drunk the beer? I distinctly remember the ants drinking as they danced...although then it would've been an anteater surely as it didn't look like Otis so it can't have been an aaaaaaarvark

*Booming echoey voice from the sewers*

Drinking Buds is aard vark. The beer down here tastes nicer.

Was Immanuel Kant, the well known philosopher and very bad actor, in the Bud ad? Yeah, you know the song, "Immanuel Kant was a real pissant, he was very rarely stable . . ."

Woops here comes another Niagara flush . . .

Hey, this Wumbeevil is more entertaining than I thought. I'm glad we bothered to sort out the surveillance cameras in the sewers. Perhaps he'll hang around for a while.

Of course we'll have to find something to appease the LSSM. I wonder if he likes parrot?

LOL

*less big booming echoey whisper from the sewers*

Oh whoopy doopy poopies. Hey look mom, I'm a shuccess at last, I'm on TV.

HIC! Y'know the worscht thing about the beer down here? HIC! C'mere nall tellya cosh yir ma best pal. HIC! You get real . . .ah shed y'get REAL floaters in your pint. Itsch schtill better than Budsh tho.

Muscht go, ah juscht heard my dinner flying, by squawking "Pretty Pongy, pretty pongy". Juscht hope I get to it before the schewer monsta.

So the Wumbeevil likes parrots too. Hmmm. So he's not just entertaining -- he's potentially useful as well.

*stores intelligence data for future use*

*sound of steam escaping emanates from the sewers . .

. . Wumbeevil is thinking. "Hmmmm, is it my imagination or are the liquid levels dropping in here. Yes, I'd say they're falling. Now is someone extracting the urine, or has Amy the Ant opened Watergate Two? And if so, DOES PEREGRIN KNOW? (that's the big question). Oh the plotting that goes on in the ladies loo.

Hmm, I think that being directly under the ladies, I'm in the right place to put the shi . . err scare someone. I'll try threatening Amy with the full might Britain has it's disposal" . . .

Right, we'll have no more of that intelligence storing milarkey Ms (cre) Ant, or I'll report you to the Data Protection Registrar.

Also, please send down another parrot, some THING ran off with the other one. I especially like the fresh flavour of Norwegian Blues, caught less than 24 hours ago by people in woolly jumpers in the fjords off Lillestrom.

Here's a dead pigeon.

Quite now while I think.

*Flushes all the toilets to give the Wumbeevil something to think about too.*

*Wumbeevil seizes the pigeon with both teeth*

What have we here? It's a funny Norwegian Blue, it's got a hole the size of my fist thru its chest.I do believe this bird did not die of natural causes.

*sniffs gaping wound*
Hmm, if I'm not mistaken this is a fine Chateau ver Nelson 1998 pigeon, with just the merest hint of a formic acid dumdum bullet. Who would do such a thing? Never mind I'll just call Inspector Rasta Lastrade of the Yardies, he'll soon catch the culprit. Let's see, these pigeons are techie religious folks and always carry wap phones as they can't get into the afterlife without playing Beethoven's Fifth to wake up an entire train carriage. *fumbles amongst the feathers* Oh no, I don't believe it, who would sink so low as to steal a pigeon's key to pigeon heaven?

*The mystery deepens almost as much as the water in the sewer, which unnoticed by Wumbeevil is now currying him along at 40 knots towards sewer heaven, Glesga where he will meet with Taggart and no doubt unearth the killer before the credits and ad break*

Is this Days Of Our Lives or just some other Channel 5 drama? Wheres princess Gina and why's there no paper towels in here anymore? Wumbeevil have you used them for nesting? Honestly

*cupboard door rattles*

*very distant echoey voice*

I haven't got any paper towels, but I've got a hand drier and I'm very afraid to use it. And if it wasn't for the hand drier I'd be able to see if that was a fist sized hole in the pigeon.

Hark! Was that a cupboard rattling I heard before me?

I think it's Menza trying to restock the paper towels, he's very well organised you know, almost suspiciously tidy
Would you like to swop your hand drier for a dustbin Wumbeevil? It'd make a very nice basket for catching stuff in?

I'd like to swap my hand drier for a hand, but it appears I'm destined to become Britain's six billion dollar man, made entirely of parts from the ladies loo.

Hmm, a dustbin you say? Plastic or metal, wheeled or unwheeled, eletric or gas?

*in the Stygian darkness of the sewer, Amy has unwittingly diluted the kidney filtered alcohol to the extent that she becomes Publican of the Year. This has strange effects on Wumbeevil's brain, he starts to think of pink elephants and escape*

Hmmm, if I reverse the polarity on this hand drier it could act as an engine without burning my hand off. All I need is a power source. Lessee, what have we got floating around here? Hmmm, class A drugs, no use just now. What else, ah a book of Braille poetry. Now, what have we here, a domestic pet impaled om a gardening tool? Excellent that's me got anode and cathode.

*Wumbeevil proceeds to hook up the hand drier to the battery and zooms back to underneath the ladies on his jetski, much to the consternation of blind sunbathers enjoying a quiet time on the sewer beaches under electric fires courtesy of Ripoff Tours.*

Is anyone up there good enough at origami to make a rope from paper towels?

*Nervous knock on the door*

Excuse me, I'm a representative of the Salted Peanuts Official Liberation Front (SPOLF). I, ah seem to have lost my hostage - about so high, with a blindfold on?
Perhaps you've seen him? Or more likely, heard him?
He seems to have escaped from the high security cardboard box while I was getting him a Babycham.

Nope no-one like that in here, just Amy and I...

Btw, Wumbeevil if you were in there which you're not because there's no one else here, the cat-hoed is appaling and whilst I was going to volunteer to make an origami rope I no-longer have the energy to partake in such a task...but I have a normal rope twined out of lose threads from socks so you can have that...here catch

*bangs head on cupboard shelf*

*Theatrical voice*

Ouch my head! What did I hit it on? It sounded very like a shelf.

*hauls himself up the rope*

Thanks Tinkerbell, you're too forgiving for your own good.

Quercus, I think I heard your hostage thrashing about on the blind nudist beach, two miles down the sewer.

DD in my head almost made me go to the gents. But I'm glad I've come to the place now.

You heard him thrashing from two miles away???

You must have good hearing.
Thanks for your time and, er, sorry about the peanuts I dropped out here in the *ahem* excitement.

This may sound like a silly question, but why would someone build a nudist beach in a sewer?