h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bomber - sorry this is a very obscure local reference - the big man with small man's syndrome - especially the clothes bit - short longs or long shorts.

Perhaps small men are affected by SMS because of looking up everyone else's nostrils all the time. Maybe if a law was passed requiring everyone to insert smiley face plugs into their nostrils when speaking to anyone six inches or more under their height. Maybe, just maybe SMS would disappear into relative obscurity and Uganda.

good theory - only problem i can see is with the fact that women are generally smaller than men, but few women seem to suffer from SMS. maybe because women are socially conditioned to think small? i don't know, but where can i get some nostril smiley plugs to appease the short men in my life?

Just draw a couple of dots and a short arc on a couple of yellow M&M's, when the short guy goes, you've got a smiley snack.

we small men do not, in fact have a problem ... it's you big people. You absolutely refuse to acknowledge our innate superiority over the rest of you foolish mortals. Oh, go ahead - laugh why don't you. But you'll be sorry! When the when the VSMAWDF (Vertically Superior Masculinity Affirming World Domination Front) finally takes over, you'll be the first up against the wall! You'll be laughing on the other side of your tall-person face when we stuff those M&Ms where the sun don't shine!

... all I can say is - be careful with that axe, eugene ....

Better get some WIDE T-shirts with that moniker. Perhaps I'll start walking around on my knees now.

forgive my ignorance but WIDE? oh and i have another local example - but he's related to me, so i probably shouldn't use his name. And Johnny I don't think you're short enough to qualify.

... hey, you're only as short as the man you feel ... unfortunately Holmes isn't into the kinky stuff anymore. To be fair, Bomber ain't that short either, he just has the squat thing going for him.

I don't understand the WIDE thing either. we seem to have duelling obscurisms (i.e. my obscure reference was "be careful with that axe eugene" - actually a Pink Floyd song, which in turn is supposed to be an obscure reference to a semi-famous English murderer).

btw did you get my e-mails i sent last night? They were meant as a test of whether they're getting through or not.

i don't know about Bomber - i always thought he was really tall in 1996 and 1997, but seeing him at the craccum rolling the other day he seemed REALLY short. maybe it's some projection of his dimunition in my esteem (did that make sense?). or maybe he stopped wearing lifts.

oh and another local example - john hood - his suit arms are too long, and he always wears beige suits, which probably have some magic expansion effect. and he concentrates far too much when he talks to you, in that way that lets you know that he's not actually listening to what you're saying, but is in fact solving fletcher challenge's financial sheets in his head.

The WIDE thing was because The T-shirts would have to have all the initials of the organisation printed across the front in large letters, a-la DKNY or something. This sort of thing happens to me a lot, sorry. I get a mental image and then with a cursory explanation, start sniggering uncontrollably.
Anyhoo, enough introspection. PLATFORM SHOES FOR EVERYONE! Especially John Howard. He keeps tilting his head backward to show everyone his nostrils, kidding himself that he's tall.

when he's not kidding himself that Vicky Wilson has been playing hockey for the last fifteen years. gee i hope australia don't win the world cup, how woudl he stuff that up. he he he. at least we don't have a pm that embarrassing, oh wait, we do. oh dear

They all go to politician finishing school together. The last subject they cover is called, "Learn to become an object of public ridicule and love it". Covers areas such as:
Eat your way to infamy.
Eyebrow styling for beginners.
Look up a word that no-one has used for two hundred years and insult someone with it.

I think our Jenny (although i would like to point out she is in no way my jenny) is expert at sucking-up to famous people, but looking like she is in fact sucking up (eg APEC) so she never actually gets any thing out of it, because everyone just goes "hey look, Jenny's sucking up again - how pathetic" - she's also very good at the back track:
"I have never had dinner with Kevin Roberts"
"Ok I did have dinner with KR but we didn't discuss politics"
"Ok we did have dinner, we did discuss politics, but we did NOT discuss the tourism contract"
"Ok we did have dinner, we did discuss politics and in fact i agreed to have his children if his firm would indeed agree to graciously take the tourism contract, but I did NOT serve red wine with the fish. that is a spurious rumour spread by the left in a vain attempt to increase the 75% disapproval ratings of my successful and well loved govt."

or something like that

span
btw in the looking up old words and insulting people department i have always been a fan of homunculus (which i was pleased to see someone successfully suggested for the word of the day) and it is especially applicable to SMS - oh and another local example - Ruth Richardson, former Minister of Finance, especially in terms of the shoulder pads thing.

Homunculus? What's that then? Differential mathematics done at one's residence?
Maybe shoulder pads might cure SMS. At the least it would make it easier for us tallies to lean on them while drunk...
I'm trying to refrain from talking politics (or 'icians), Jeff Kennett just lost the Victorian election by one seat, and now our Premier is going to be the treasurer from the Kirner government that sent us broke seven years ago AND I still have no idea which way I'm going to vote in the referendum to make Australia a republic. The 'yes' and 'no' cases both seem to have been put forth by SMALL MEN...

Cheers
Haze

Hate to barge in, but weren't both Hitler and Napoleon lacking in stature? Btw, any chance of changing the moniker to 'short' men? Small men may have alternate connotations and we shouldn't really get the two mixed up.

um i rather thought those alternate connotations were rather apt - that whole theory about men with flash cars (a la Mrs Doubtfire) - making up for perceived inadequacies elsewhere

span

Did Mrs Doubtfire have a car? I swear I have a matchbox for a memory.


Also, sorry for the spam, but I've just spent a whole ten seconds making a page where people can leave their intended submissions to the guide for comment or suggestion. It's not meant to be an alternative to the Fun Run, just a big disorganised heap. Please read and comment on some, or leave your own pages you wish read in the forum provided.
Trial feedback page http://www.h2g2.com/p194221
Normal broadcasting will now resume...

thanks for the spam actually - i'll have a peek after exams or before when i am frantically trying to pretend they don't exist

i don't know if mrs doubtfire had a car - it was his wife's boyfriend who had the car - the big flash car - am i ringing any bells?

btw hitler is an excellent example i think

Got home at 8AM. I don't think ANYTHING is going to ring ANY bells today.

How about Napoleon? P'raps you could have a list of famous SMS sufferers. How tall was Gengis Khan? Maybe even plot a graph. Height versus percentage of world conquered. But that would be going too far...

yeah famous sms suffers - that's a good idea - although i don't know if it's them that does the suffering or us - dennis conner seems to be another example too, he hit another poor america's cup boat with his yesterday.