h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

He's BEHIND you!

sh...............................i....t

The Phantom Raspberry Blower!!

oh hell! if he's coming the other way, I can't wait for a reverse running smiley <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< that way

I understand that it is International "Count Your Farts Day"
Something to do with the EU and climate control apparently. The idea is that they need to take a census of European Fart output, which country farts the most, which the least etc with a view to taxing individuals personally for the damage they do to the ozone layer.
Part of the new rules will be classing Sprouts, Curries, Baked Beans, etc - any Fart generating food/drink items and make them carry warning signs like ciggies: WARNING - EATING OR DRINKING THIS ITEM IS KILLING YOUR PLANET. They will also only be sold to over 18's
They expect there will be a big rush for Jewish speciality foods, as in the last week it has been proved that Kosher Farts are the least damaging of all.

save gas! fart in a jar! Britain needs the gas

and conserve trees, use both sides of the toilet roll, if very clever! the edges

When we label up specimens tht arrive in the lab, we have codes we cann write on the form for the office to enter, if there are problems. For example, entering "SLT" will put in the comment "Specimen Leaked in Transit", and "MISS will bring up "Several details missing, unable to process".

If someone sends in a stool sample, but doesn't send enough, we enter the code "FART" - "Patient sent a fart in a jar!" (It actually brinngs up "insufficient for testing", cos the boss is boring...)

To avoid the gnarly EU's proposed "Fart" tax, I will be going onto the Dragons Den to get financial backing for my latest invention.
They are Unisex rubber pants with a Fartalytic Convertor attached.
The rubber pants will not allow gas to escape, and the converter will take out all the toxins and issue forth clouds of Lavender mist instead.......

Lavender?

Yuck! I prefer farts!!

That can be arranged, Hoggy!

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No, it's lil on a low-flying Hercules!

(sorry, folks, private joke... possibly referenced near the beginning of the thread...)

low-flying Herculesdropping bums then, maybe on dams eh! bumbusters

Just beware of her exhaust fumes...

Incoming!

Hah! Your puny tomatoes are no worry to a superhero like me!

DAN DAN DAAAAHHHH!!!!

My wings are like a shield of stee... erm... oh, hang on, that's not me...

Erm...

?

*giggles*

may the power of the fart be with you Luke


words from the Yorkshire robot on Star wars = "That's 3p you owe"

I got rid of my home cinema Sub Woofer last weekend because the low end frequencies my "Sub Woofer" emits have finally been succesfull and have been awarded full "THX" reference status.

My low end rumble shaking the floor in the opening sequence in Private Ryan is just........a joy to behold...I am so proud....(sniff)...(sob)

a good old golden oldie sing-a-long

oh dear what can the matter be!
two old ladies got locked in the lavatory,
they were there from Monday to Saturday
no one knew they were there