h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

something fishy is going on here

*lets the Duck go*

So Doc how is Project smith going?

it is going well,
your devices all seem operational although there is as yet noting covering the grounds exept the basic gard...

and the students of corse

We have students here?

I have some other things in the works, it depends how painful you want the punishment to be

well... i had to call the more junior members something

painfull or embarising enough to discorage it from happening again,

*sketches a diagram of an advanced droid and shows it to Anthea*

you interested?

weapons clocking and bosters?

yes and whatever weapons you desire

very well...
i like it,

So what weapons would you like and I will get on to it immediately

very well
*types into ther computer randomly*
your expences will be coverd

thank you Doctor

I will email you when the first batch is ready

*stands up, bows and leaves*

*mutters something and hits a few keys the screen shows a mouse beeing hit in what loks like a simple computer game*

*watches from his vantage point in the ceiling*

/\/Doc the first ones are coming through and are ready for your inspection. Khamsin Out\/\

ah ha i killed it...
*the mouse in the game flickers and dies*
*looks at the mail*
hmm....

/\/ oh goodie /\/

That game is nothing compared to Grand Theft Auto.

Is there a stationery store or bookshop, attached to the Assassins' Guild, where I could buy a copy of "Project Smith"?

[Mmm, I've just thought that the "Assassins' Guild" sounds as if it's a sort of homicidal version of the Women's Institute.]

Well, we are, in a way.

Well, that would certainly explain the obsession with cakes.

Why don't we have lectures, like the WI?

Instead of the Potato Marketing Board telling people how to make almost anything from spuds (or some elderly explorer reminiscing about his trek across French West Africa in the 1930's), we could listen to talks, more suitable for members of our profession.

Here are a few suggestions.

1. "How to avoid poison darts on Caribean dance floors" by D. Redfull-Punne

2. "Barbequeing [former agents, who have outlived their usefulness] for Beginners" by Ethel Icallyflexible

3. "Car 'accidents' made easy" by R.I.P. Hack [sponsored by "The Daily Express"]

4. "Sudden, inexplicable, fatal illnessess in British political leaders and their usefulness in the Cold War... drobe, yes, wardrobe, obviously that's what I meant, comrade" by Colonel Lupusovsky

[Lecture subject to availablity of Aeroflot flights. A very popular talk, since the early 1960's. If unavailable, Mr G Nex will give his lecture "Collecting Pipes and Old Raincoats".]

5. "They'll never suspect a thing: a brief overview of modern, French forensic science" by F. Mal d'Hyde

6. "Say 'Good Bye' to conspiracy-theory misery!" by Des Creddit

The master of disinformation will show you how easy it is: simply give spoofy stories to a complete idiot with a high profile and, after a convenient interval, reveal him as a phoney, in the media.


I was thinking that "The Guild of International Assassins" [or "GIA"] would be a fitting new title for the organisation.

GIA!? Sounds like a cheap eastern European car to me!