h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

yes i am threatoning you
currently i would like you to train very quickly so i can get rid of you, but failing that find a sword light enough for you to hold but heavy enough to swing

er...

*dejectedly walks off though not without some sense of accomplishment*

Coren: *sets up a complicated- and dangerous-looking obstacle course* Lessee, I've got the wall that's nearly unscale-able and three times my height, the ditch I nearly have to fly over with molten lava in and a rickety bridge I have to be extra-careful on, the stupid, cliched traps to avoid, the stepping stones that sink if I stand on them too long, ie more than ten seconds, in the river with piranhas, more stupid traps to avoid, some traps that would actually work, and the simulacrums I have to fight to the ddeath. *turns to Anthea* Anything I'm missing?

a ropeswing over a very deep gorge?

a passage with a boulder rolliing after you?
sorry im not anthea but you know....

*decides to hang around to see if this works*

Coren: Thank you. *bows and sets up the rope thing*

Prepares fireball, sets it off and makes it explode.

Coren:

*starts running the obstacle course*

*climbs the wall, using near-invisible finger- and toe-holds, being very careful not to slip, as that would set off a trap*

*reaches the top of the wall, climbs down other side, which is equally difficult*

*inches along the rickety plank-and-rope bridge spanning the ditch with lava in it, when a rope snaps*

*holds on to the remaining rope, crosses to the other side as quickly as humanly possible*

*enters a corridor equipped with a camera system so spectators can spectate*

*crawls along the corridor floor, sets off an arrow trap that goes over his head*

*stands up and continues with his back pressed against the wall, just in time to avoid boiling oil poured through holes in the ceiling*

*proceeds crouching, wary of any further traps*

*notices a tiny hissing noise and races up the passageway, just before the wall explodes where he was*

hears a rumbling noise, runs back and hides in the hole in the wall, then watches a huge boulder roll past*

*leaves the passageway and goes on to the next part of the course*

*observes piranhas snapping at each other in the wide river, and leaps from stone to stone across the river*

*nearly loses his balance on one stone, so leaps back to the previous one and takes a different path*

*enters yet another corridor*

*feels along the floor, finds a stone that would go down if one stepped on it, carefully crawls around it*

*feels along the wall, finds a trip-wire*

*tugs on the trip-wire and scrambles as far backwards as possible as fast as possible to avoid the rain of poisoned darts*

*makes use of tiny little ledges on the wall to move past the spot with the darts, then leaps off the wall to avoid the poisoned spikes*

*goes back and collects a few darts with a pair of tongs and a special case for future study*

*leaves this passageway*

*gets singed by the flame that spurted from the wall too fast for him to fully get out of the way*

*ducks and rolls to get out of the way of the simulacrum rushing at him, waving a sword and generally being a good imitation fo the average guard of valuable people*

*stands up and knocks the simulacrum unconscious*

*proceeds through a maze, complete with shadows to lurk in, avoiding the simulacrums whenever possible and fighting them when necessary*

*jumps off the ledge at the end of the course, rolls, and stands, ridiculously pleased with himself*

*looks at her watch*
what took you so long?

please sign here...
*holds out a section of partchment*

Hello Sir I am a new recruit (just a harmless, inocent little rat)
and I am reporting for training.

*aside* I wouldn't call him innocent-he was talking about Duck a l'orange earlier. *Scarpers out of the rat's way*

*red squirrels go about building extentions to the assault course and basicly being useful*

Black, eh? Right.
*black pajamas, VietCong style. Boonie hat and sandals.

Mk Six Carapace: Combo armour/shelter/pontoon(/casket, if you're a pessimist). One-handed combat chainsaw. Brown noise generator. DeWalt 5/8 power driver. A bandolier of suspicious airscrew-looking thingies. Smith&Wesson.357. Phased plasma rifle, 40W. Batman Utility Belt (important enough to be acronym'd BUB).
Spends several minutes surveilling the quiet landscape..notices the occasional sim-vector base stations....

Selects a convenient wrinkle in the terrain to settle in and wait.*

*hears a call...double-time to the supply point, trades in the dry-land hardware for wetsuit and scuba gear...double-time to the coast, well south of the lighthouse and party there*

*surveills the yacht*

*sends a duck with respectful message to the sniper in the tower*

Surfs Up Duuuude!

*Configures mk six carapace to resemble very thick surfboard. Sets the controls for subsurface running, tools out to the yacht*

*surfaces silently next to duck*

What's up, duck?

[over to the proper thread...sumi masen]

Coren: What's the piece of paper for? And the obstacle course took time because it was the first time I'd run it.

Oh the first time that gives you an excuse does it?
I suppose you will be wanting more than one attempt to carry out a contract next

the papers for your next paycheque but if you dont want it...
*puts the paper in her pocket*

I will be going then

Esty: Give me the paper, I'l give it to Coren. Hew's a bit... preoccupied at the moment. And of course he wouldn't need more thanb one attempt to carry out a contract, he just needed to get back into shape after a while with no obstacle courses.

no no he dosnt sign it i cant give it to him...






oh alright just this once

Esty: Preoccupied means he should not be interrupted or much embarrassment will ensue. I will deliver it to him in person...