h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Yar] Oh, right, there's me mixing metaphors again. [arms his lightsaber] Now it's time for some dental work!

[He attempts to use his lighsaber to remove the Sharkondor's teeth.]


And it was Mog, not Yar, who made the comment. And yes, he /was/ just assuming, and you know what happens when you assume.

*Witty spins the dial on her nano-gun to RAID.*

Take that, you buggy thing.

*She shoots at the walking ant colony, spraying it with insecticide. She executes a flying somersault to the right, stablilizes on one knee and continues shooting.*

*Desperately tries to dance out of the way of the electrilla. Steps in small puddle. There is a FZZZZTTTT! sound and GL's leg stops twitching. GL looks down with raised eyebrows.*

Hey! It stopped!

*The eyebrows crawl down into a frown*

But I wonder if everything still works right. Oops, no time to check.

*The electrilla is almost at GL.*

Uh, excuse me for a minute.

*GL takes on his cartoon about-to-run pose and disappears. He reappears beside Witty and taps her on the shoulder. When she comes back down, he says:*

Oh, sorry about that. Anyway, I was wondering if you had a pair of rubber gloves in your bag?

[Mog] [standing around without an immediate threat to himself specifically] Too bad we don't have Seargent Mushroom here. Her cupboard has one of EVERYTHING.

Dont' ~do~ that. At least clear your throat first, Garius.

I do have rubber gloves, I keep them with the cuisinart blade. Reach in my clutch and get them, I don't dare stop firing at that ant colony thingy.

*turns and runs back down the path, and makes a turn for the graveyard*

Curses! And right when I was about to point out that a kevlar umbrella wielded by a human probably would not protect the human from that rhinder's weight as it plummeted towards the ground while accelerating at about 9.81 m/s^2! Not posting between Lil's posts has spoiled my chances again!


*The giant ant/army of ants always changes shape to avoid the Raid being sprayed. Some are still dying, of course, but the giant ant is closing quickly, preparing its mandibles for a strike!*

*The Electrilla looks around, spots GL, and charges at full speed*

*The Sharkondor looses some teeth, but it's really close to biting Yar's head now*

*The Rhinder looks around after landing on the ground, looks around, and charges at Yar*

GL, would you hurry up! That thing is still after you, which puts me in its path. I have enough to worry about with the ant thing. By the way, when you did that hero pose, you reminded me of Buzz Lightyear. Very inspiring.

*Re-dials to liquid nitrogen, hoping to freeze the colony in its tracks. Fires*

*The ant shifts, but a noticeable portion of it is frozen. The cloud of ants fall to the ground before reassembling themselves at about four feet high, and while picking up their frozen comrades. Effectively, the ants are now attacking with a frozen club*

[Yar] Grah. [jumps into the air and attempts to cut the Sharkondor and the Rhinder's heads off with his lightsaber, also with a Matrix-style bullet-time slowdown effect. Mog helps by firing pies at them.]

*The slowed time perspective does not seem to be affecting the Rhinder or Sharkondor for some strange reason. Not even the pies seem to be moving at their speed. Instead the two mutants very, very easily dodge the blows, and launch their own attacks: the Sharkondor attempting to bite the very slow Yar and the Rhinder charging Mog. Time doesn't resume normal speed until the unexpected attacks are about a foot away. A giant head appears floating behind a tree, and observers will note the remarkable similarity between this giant head and Minos Krylma's. The head, who of course is FACE, is laughing at what he must think is the best joke ever*

FACE-Man, I know what it'll cost me. But boy, is it worth it! Now, to find Irving....

*FACE vanishes, supposedly with the television at his Pan-Dimensional Pad recording it for later viewing*

On her way into the courtyard, meets Lil running towards the Graveyard. Immediately decides that anything Lil would run away from is not something she is inclined to go and meet. Jogs after Lil.*

*Notes with satisfaction her partial success at stopping the ants. She re-aims at the lower target and continues firing liquid nitrogen.*

Okay, then. Let's see if I can get the rest of you.

[Yar uses the Force to just plain throw the Sharkondor away feet into the air. Meanwhile, Mog gets thrown across the courtyard by the Rhynder's attack, but due to the cartoon laws of physics isn't really injured beyond /looking/ hurt.]

[Yar] Frickin' omnipotent life forms ... I swear, that FACE guy is gonna get it if I ever get my hands on godlike powers ...


Don't do that again.

Keep giving me openings like the Matrix-style temporal retardation and I'm afraid that I'll have to.


*The lower portion of the ants are completely frozen by Witty's attack, while the upper third of them were able to jump away. With a good deal of the hive mind currently in possession of an effective "ice cream headache", the rest of the ants are careening out of control*

*The Rhinder looks around and spots Mog again. He stamps his eight feet, lowers his head, and charges*

*The Sharkondor regains its flight control, roaring in frustration. It spins towards YK, breathes in deeply in preparation for a gigantic roar of anger, and realizes that it has just inhaled a fairly large portion of a cloud of ants that were careening through the air. The Sharkondor coughs, attempting to get them out of its throat, but it doesn't seem to be doing such a good job*

*A small creature steps out of the cage. It appears to be a monkey with the head of a komodo dragon. The monkey looks at all of those battling the other mutants, and a voice enters their heads*

voice-<>

*A strange glow surrounds Halo, before a giant ball of fire surrounds him*

Halo-<>

kthxbye


[Yar] [telepathically] {That's cool. Howabout we threaten /you/ with vague threats but which, on closer examination, don't sound threatening at all?}

[Mog, meanwhile, sees the Rhynder approaching, whips another bazooka out of nowhere, and fires it at the Rhynder. Instead of an exploding pie, though, it launches an actual missile]

[Mog] Oops ... heh heh ...

[Yar] Do you mind??

*GL hastily whips the rubber gloves out of Witty's bag and puts them on.*

Ooo, industrial strength - thanks, Witty. And sorry for startling you.

*GL turns as the electrilla, er, charges at him with outstretched arms. GL grabs it's right arm, sidesteps, then twists the arm up behind its back. He then frog marches the electrilla over to Halo and tries to get it to touch Halo. This involves lots of bodily twisting and turning and the prodding of the electrilla's free arm, which, unfortunately is controlled by a mind of its own.*

Come on, come on. Just touch the little monkodo. One little touch...

*The Rhinder pulls a bazooka-proof force field out of nowhere in a fassion very similar to Mog's. The field must be an outdated model, however, because it doesn't totally absorb the impact, causing enough force to make the Rhinder be pushed back about two feet. The Rhinder snorts in confusion and continues its charge*

*The electrilla isn't attempting to avoid touching Halo as it is trying to avoid the huge halo of fire that surrounds it. Halo sees this, and teleports about fifteen feet away*

Halo-<>

*A nearby tree uproots itself and launches itself at GL. Meanwhile, the electrilla is trying to reach GL with its feet due to the ineffectiveness of its arms. Any physical contact would do it, really*

[Mog] I know!

[[Horrid Pun Attack]]

[Mog] If women aren't allowed to use the same kinds of magic as men, can they sue for equal rites?

[He focuses the awfulness of this joke towards the Rhinder, kind of like how the Vogons do with their Poetry Appreciation Chairs, only less efficient.]

[Yar] Why not just use Vogon Poetry?

[Mog] And kill the rest of us as well? No thanks.

*Notices the electrilla's feet trying to touch him and turns out of the way. This has the effect of pivoting the electrilla around in a 180 degree arc, just in time to intercept a hurtling tree trunk.*