h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A man in a lab coat, T-shirt, and blue jeans is operating a fairly complex system of controls and overlooking a strange assembly-line zoo. With the push of the right buttons, mechanical hands reach into various cages-this time pulling out a rabbit, an ostrich, and a cheetah. The hands then toss the animals into a central fixture, a large transluminyte globe. Mist fills the globe which begins spinning, Jacob's Ladders spark, the sound of a theremin can be heard in the distance, and in only a few seconds the mist clears revealing a five foot tall creature with rabbit ears, an ostrich-like neck, and the head of a cheetah. It's body has a mixture of fur and feathers, and the legs are definitely designed for speed. The mechanical hands reach back into the globe, remove this mutant, and toss it into a cage. The man in the lab coat jumps up and down and claps his hands*

Greg-It worked! It worked! I, Greg the Great, have created the fastest land-based attack animal ever! Increasing a jaguar's speed by that of a rabbit and an ostrich, giving it the hearing of the rabbit and the cheetah, ensuring that its ferocious jaws of death are located on the ostrich's neck to ensure a snake-like striking distance, making sure that the rear legs are not only fast, but designed with the kicking abilities of an ostrich and the cruel intent of this ferocious feline....with this thing under my control, I can track down and capture any intruders!

*Greg examines the courtyard around him. He, along with the Dr. Sartasmus, provide the only true defences against possible intruders to the grounds. Greg has, by this time, created a fairly large supply of mutants awaiting instructions, and the alchemist has most likely cooked up something as well*

We'll see if anyone can get through me to the door! Me and my army of mutants! Better pull out this laser blaster, just to be on the safe side....

*As he says this, spherical lightning flies over his head, and strikes one of the castle's many lightning rods*

*Greg hears a gong just as he finishes off a new mutant that combines the arm strength of a gorilla with the defensive abilities of an electric eel*

Well! I get to celebrate the Electrilla with tonight's dinner! Now then, all of my mutant minions! If The Squid is defeated, you shall all be released! I order you to find and destroy any intruders! Bye!

*So saying, he taps a button on his wristwatch and simply vanishes*

*Suddenly appears and promplty falls over sideways, due to some left over momentum. Stands up carefully and dusts himself off.*


Getting better, getting better. At least I stopped more or less where I wanted to.


*Looks around*

Well, well. What have we here? Quite an interesting zoo. Sure glad those cages are locked. Um, aren't they?

*As if on cue, every one of the cages holding mutants open. An Electrilla runs towards GL, intent on both smashing him and sending electricity coursing through the armor*

[Mog and Yar arrive at the same moment, Mog firing exploding pies from his bazooka and Yar casting Quake.]

[Yar] Known fact: Electric-types are weak against Ground-types for obvious reasons.

*As Lil enters the courtyard, the rabbostreetah flashes past her and buries its head in a corner*

Whoah! Is there a Dr. Moreau here?

[Yar] It looks like we're Moreau-less.

*The Electrilla is able to dodge the Quake, as well as the exploding pie. Meanwhile, the rabbostreetah pulls its head from the sand. It almost seems to teleport to right in front of Lil (because it's just that fast, I guess) and growl at her. It's so close that Lil can see the tatoo on its forhead that reads "Stationfall Footnote 14"*

*As this is happening, what looks like a bull with a lizard-like tail and appendages darts out of its cage. This creature looks around, and two things quickly become apparent. 1: The mixture between lizard and bull is mental as well as physical, as can be seen by the hyper-quick, nervous way that the creature changes position and the fact that the movement around it is making it angry, making it prepare to charge at Yar. 2: The lizard in question that this creature was created from must be a chameleon or other such animal, as it becomes invisible while charging at Yar (though not noiseless and not without leaving occasional footprints). Yes, chameleon's can't generally turn totally transparent, but Greg the Geneticist most likely enhanced that attribute at some point as well. In light of the second statement above, this creature shall be referred to as "Bulleon", the bull-chameleon. Cajun food fans may feel free to either laugh or groan*

BOO!!!!

*the rabbostreetah may have cruel intentions but its courage is decidedly rabbitlike. As Lil stamps fer feet and waves her arms, the creature spins 180 degrees and sprints for the safety of its cage*

*sets her nanogun to PAINTBALL*

*fires several shots in the direction of the bulleon, or where it ought to be given a quick calculation of trajectory and speed*

[Yar starts throwing chi blasts at the bulleon. For those of you who haven't seen DBZ, this is basically just throwing fireballs.]

[Mog] Oh, so you've gone DBZ now?

*Sees the electrilla coming his way*

Ha! You think mere strength with a little added wattage is any match for this suit? I say again, ha!

*GL waits until the electrilla is within striking distance, then strikes it. This has the simultaneous effect of delivering a mighty blow to the electrilla and delivering a mighty shock to GL's suit. The blow has the desired effect of disabling the electrilla (at least temporarily). The shock has the undesired effect of making GL's left leg twitch violently and uncontrollably. GL curses as he involuntarily dances around the courtyard.*

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

"Let's remove the heel grounding actuators," he said.

"They just add weight and slow down the suit," he said.

"It's definately not significant that they're call Achilles actuators," he said.

Now I REALLY want to find Affy!

*The electrilla is very, very slowly trying to rise to its feet, while both a paintball bullet and a chi blast manage to strike the bulleon, making it both a wonderful shade of crimson and unconcious*

*Two other mutants jump out of the cage. One seems to be a gigantic spider with the head of a rhinocerous, a Rhinder, that charges straight towards Lil. The other is some form of great white shark with the wings and talons of a condor. It quickly jumps off of the ground, and flies towards Yar and Mog attempting to get one with its mouth and the other with its claws*

Wah! *spins nanogun setting to what she thinks is webjello and shoots, only to discover that the gun is spitting sticky string at the rhinder's eight hairy legs*

[Yar stops it with the Force, in a scene reminiscent of the one in the X-Men movie that has Jean Grey vs. Toad. Mog raises his bazooka.]

[Mog] Do you feel fluffy, punk? Well do ya? [fires an exploding pie the Sharkondor]

*Dances ineffectually*

*The electrilla finishes rising, shakes its head, and runs towards GL, intent on furthuring the potential damage*

*The Rhinder's legs, being the legs of a spider, seem to be knowledgeable enough to avoid becoming stuck in any web-like substance. Instead, it leaps roughly twenty feet in the air, and falls towards Lil. horn first*

*The Sharkondor opens its mouth and spits a strange, gooey substance at Yar from a distance of roughly five feet at twenty miles per hour, which is also not unlike the X-Men movie*

*Witty arrives in time to witness the mayhem.*

I think I should have taken the graveyard route!

[Unlike the X-Men movie, Yar throws a chi blast at the gooey substance]

[Mog] Well, it's not too late, Witty. Bring along some Holy magic! Remember, undead are harmed by healing spells and items.

*The crowd blinks a few times*

Mr. Mxlzpytlk(sp?)-Huh? How does he know?

FACE-Not sure. Sometimes non-pan-dimensional entities have a power called "breaking the fourth wall." This may be how Yar knows.

Thor-Might he also just be assuming what would lie in the Graveyard?

FACE-Um....yeah, that's probably the most likely explanation, continuitally speaking.....chips and dip anyone?


*A dark cloud shoots out of the ground, rising twenty feet into the air! However, it soon coalesces into the shape of a man-sized ant that could walk on its two hind-legs. If someone were to take a close enough look, one might see that the creature was actually composed of thousands and thousands of ants. The only one who might get the chance to see it this closely, however, would be WM who is the one that the Army of Ants chooses to run towards at hyper speeds!*

*The Sharkondor growls, mutters something in its sharky language about the Force being one of the most overrated powers in the Universe, especially when wielded by Dragon Ball Z-like characters. It then grabs onto the ground with its two talons, and begins pulling itself towards Yar, ready to bite him*

FWOP!

*Lil has changed the setting on the nanogun to BROLLY, and as she presses the trigger a very large kevlar umbrella deploys, right into the rhinder's face*