h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Coalition Of Terror's warehouse is a generic evil lair. The three villains are busy constructing a massive machine*

VolTerror-*Welding to pieces of metal together* So, Skip, can you tell us what this machine is going to do yet?

Avogadro-*Speaking in a loud, overly dramatic voice* Avogadro is ALSO curious! What shall this machine accomplish?

Skip-EVIL STUFF! Don't question it, buddy!

VolTerror-Now then, Skip, it's about finished. I'm just curious about your plan, Skippy.

Skip-Shut up.

*Much later*

VolTerror-Okay! It's finished, unless you're just not telling us something, Skip.

Skip-Insolent wretch! You know just enough to finish the part of the plan that I require you for!

VolTerror-*sighs* Okay, Skip. But remember: it's my turn to come up with the evil plan after this one, and then it's Avogadro's turn. We reserve the right to be equally uncooperative at that point.

Skip-BAH! You don't know the first thing about evil. AVOGADRO! How does the perimeter look?

Avogadro-I've set up an army of 6.022*10^23 creatures as guards!

Skip-Excellent! And now,....

Avogadro-And the creatures in question happen to be moles! HAHAHAHA!

Skip-That's great. Now, as I was saying,....

Avogadro-You see, it's clever because when you have 6.022*10^23 of anything, you are said to have a mole of that thing!

VolTerror-We know. You've told us before.

Avogadro-And so I have a mole of moles! You see, it's funny because,....

Skip&VolTerror-SHUT UP!

Avogadro-Sorry...

*somewhere in the space time continum a link from a journal entry opens a gateway. Through that gateway a miniscule camera and microphone jumps into the very room were the COT is creating their machine, and begins transmitting. It surrounds itself in an SEP feild, especially effective on Meglomaniacal-inter-galactic-terrorists because they are so self centered anyway. Due to the nature of the gateway, and the improbability field that surrounds the bug, it is able to record SOUND (which travels slowly) from the begining of this conversation, but only picks up VISUAL (because it travels so quickly) from this point in the thread.* Affy, could you be so kind, since this is your contest, to fully describe the machine I'm looking at (and anything else that may be a "clue") here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F19933?thread=280499

*moments later, the bug floats to the center of the room, still in it's SEP field, and pans around 360 degrees. It also begins broadcasting its coordinates back to Irv's HQ, a risky procedure because the co-ordinate determining device's frequency can be detected by a variety of different receptors, including the more commonly used Evil Supercomputers. Does the bug see anything of interest in it's pan across the room? What are the coordinates?*

Skip-Wonderful! And now, it's finished!

VolTerror-Great! So, what's it do?

Skip-SILENCE! The moment is not yet right. Now we need the living creature! Get one of those moles!

Avogadro-NNOOOOOO!!!! Not one of the moles! We wouldn't have an entire mole of them after that!

Skip-Believe me, no one is going to notice one less inherrently non-frightening creature, Avogadro.

*blip*

*the bug vanishes*

Avogadro-Avogadro cares not if no one else notices! Avogadro doesn't cut corners! Why, with one less, Avogadro'd only have....hmmm. Avogadro shall compute it on the super computer!

*The three villains turn towards the supercomputer and note the belated alarm, which now indicates that the intruder has left*

Skip-Oh, darn....

VolTerror-Great. Just great. Oh, well. We've got the 6.02 heptabajillion moles out there to protect us. We should be safe, right?

Skip-*Simply glares at VolTerror*

*for no apparent reason, other than an obscure running gag from a long time ago, combined with the time traveling nature of this adventure and Irving's use of improbability, a pie floats through the hangar*

Don't you mean warehouse? This isn't a hangar.


*The three villains all spot the pie. VolTerror throws a lightning bolt at it. Avogadro quickly picks up a super soaker and launches a torrent of a liquid designed to melt the pie. Skip pulls a knife from his trenchcoat, and hurls it at the pie. The three villains just barely miss the pie, though they each aimed at the exact same place. So, of course, the lightning bolt causes the liquid to come to life and merge with the knife. There is now a living acid-creature, that is covered with metal spikes. However, it's high in the air, and the crash it makes when it hits bottom makes the creature die*

Skip-Huh. That was....kinda weird....

yes, I meant warehouse.


*The pie splatters against the far wall of the warehouse, which is obviously not a hangar.*

*There is a flash. Irving, Lil, Witty, Yar Kramer, Moggle, Caerwynn, and Sol materialize on the far side of the weird device from the villains. For the moment they are protected by an Improbability driven force shield, but that will only hold up to about three individual attacks, and will need to be pulled down before any of Affy's Angels start shooting.*

*Irving pulls his Kill-O-Zap gun out of it's low slung holster, sets it to "Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster" and arms it. He holds it at ready, but not trained at any one villain in particular. The message he intends to send through this action is: "I'm not going to start shooting unless you don't cooperate, but I will start shooting if you don't answer my questions."*

Gentlemen, would you mind satisfying our curiosity for a moment?

*Irving has a glint in his eye, though that may just be the caffine*

It's Mog, not Moggle.

*keeps their backs covered*

I'm covering your back, Irv.

*slips the H&K's strap over her shoulder, wishing it didn't look quite so girly to do so, but the submachine gun is quite heavy*

*Aims her nano-gun at the feet of the evil trio and gives them all The Look while waiting for their response.*

[Yar pulls out his Chefinator and Elegant WEAPON (lightsaber) and holds them at the ready.]

[Yar] Time for some ACTION action!

[Mog pulls out a bazooka from nowhere in particular.]

[Mog] Do you feel luck, punks?

*has her nanogun out, set to REALLY DRY SKIN, pointed at the stupidest-looking of the trio, a decision which shows of her acute social perceptiveness*


Hey, what's that spiky pie doing up there on the wall?

Which one IS the stupidest-looking one?

I'm guessing skip

Look, we don't want any trouble. Actually, I think we probably do, concidering the number of respectable salonistas who are currently aiming Weapons of Massively Humorous Destruction at you. So, we want trouble, just don't give us an excuse to make it!

All we want to know, is: What have you done with Afgncap5, what this thing is you're building, and what you have in the box over there.



I think the pie is my fault. Used to be my bookmark in the Espertine threads, if I remember correctly.

*There is a crackly-fizzy high voltage sound and a figure slowly fades into view. Very slowly. Once the figure has solidified, it can be seen to be about the size of Garius Lupus, but it is wearing a suit made of some kind of golden material that the light seems to just slip off of. On its head is a helmet made of the same material but which somehow looks more solid. The suit, on closer inspection, shows some signs of repairs and on the helmet, near the neck, is a small orange button with some tiny words printed below it. The person in the suit reaches up and raises the goggles, revealing eyes that look remarkably like GL's. The eyes quickly glance around the room, then the arm brings a watch up for the eyes to see. The eyes roll skyward.*

Arrggghhh! Right place, wrong year!

*The voice sounds just like GL's. The figure's left hand...Okay, okay... GL's left hand (for it is indeed GL), reaches over to the right forearm and taps the suit in several places. GL begins to slowly fade away. As he very very slowly fades away, he quickly replaces the goggles, then looks around at the room again, this time more leisurely. When he sees Irv and Affy's Angels and Mog, a startled look crosses his face. He looks at his watch again, taps its face, then slaps his forehead. He immediately fumbles on his right forearm with his left hand, frantically trying to halt the fading away. As he finally fades away, his voice momentarily comes in loud and clear.*

It WAS the right year! Stupid watch - what a time to run out of batteries! And it took me ages to figure out how to get there. Now where did I put those calcu...

The suit that GL is wearing was found near the end of the Roswell adventure and is discussed here:
F32669?thread=153285