h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey, I have a degree in this stuff. We obviously haven't defined our terms. What do we mean by "now"?

Can I just shoot something?

For the purposes of this thread only:

"Now" shall be defined as: currently, in the H2G2 standard timeline. For instance: "Right Now it is 2:35 Arizona Standard Time."

"now" (note lack of capitalization) shall be defined as: currently, in the relative timeline of the speaker. For instance: "Right now, we are not sure when we are."

"Then" shall be defined as: A time other than currently, in the H2G2 standard timeline. For instance: "Right Now, Garius is trying to get to Then."

"then" (again, non-cap) shall be defined as: A time other than currently, in the relative timeline of the speaker. For instance: "I was in my room, then I jumped back in time three years."

Or I could consult my copy of "The Restaraunt at the End of the Universe." It has a passage on grammar in time traveling situations...

Oh, and Caer... I don't see why not. But try to keep them alive, so that we can question them.

Brilliant, thanks, Irv!

*Squeezes the trigger and three or four rounds soon makes people and moles pay attention*

We may not know if it's Then or now or even Now and then, but we still mean business!

Ahem... now, now, people, answer us these questions:

What bloody day, month, year, etc is it?

What have you done with Afgncaap5?

And what's your favorite color.

*The three villains blink a few times. After just a few moments of this, however, VolTerror grins*

VolTerror-Hey, guys! Looks like we've been hit in a synchronized attack by people who aren't wearing watches! It's currently May 27th, 2003 AD in the Central time zone, please adjust accordingly. Oh, and my favorite colour is blue.

Avogadro-Avogadro's name is NOT Avocado! I am Avogadro! Evil clone of the chemist of the same name! Avogadro's favorite colour is mauve!

Skip-And we don't have to tell you what we did with Afgncaap5, insolent cur! But let it be known that we did that which we chose to do! AND MY FAVORITE COLOR IS BLACK, THE SYMBOLIC SHADE OF EVIL! BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

VolTerror-Now then, ladies and gentlemen of the....you called yourself salonistas? Ladies and gentlemen of the salon? Yes, that should do. I give you full marks for courage, bravery, valor, honor,...you have already expressed all of the marks of a true hero! All the marks, that is, except two. I've yet to see either intelligence or skill from this group. Now, consider this: you are outnumbered roughly 6.022*10^23+3, courtesy my good friend Avogadro. He has enough moles to overwhelm even the staunchest army. I, myself, am highly skilled at working with electricity. Creating lightning bolts, acting as a conductor or magnifier for energy powers, travelling through electrical circuits,...you should see the sparks when I stomp on a metal floor at my enemies. And then we come to Skip, who....Skip is....he's got some knives in his coat, there, and.....

Skip-I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!!!! *Pulls out a knife, and a flamethrower, revealing a glimpse of many other weapons within his trenchcoat*

VolTerror-That's right. He's got a pretty high weapons creation ability. Greater than Batman's, really.

Avogadro-*Pulling vials of (presumably) acid from his lab coat* Let us seize one of them for use in the machine, instead of choosing from my army, Avogadro's Number!

Skip-Excellent idea, Avogadro!

Avogadro-You see, it's clever because Avogadro's Number is my army's name as well as a reasonably accurate description!

VolTerror-We know, Avogadro. We know.

Avogadro-You see, it's funny because when you have-

Skip-*Before it can go any longer* GET THEM!!!!!!!

*Skip shoots a blast from his flamethrower at Irv. Avogadro tosses one of the vials of acid at Lil, and pulls another from his pocket. VolTerror creates a surge of electricity between his hands, and throws it at Caerwynn. The mol of moles darts at the group of heroes en masse*

Spying several floor level vents around the room, Witty spins the dial on her nano-gun to "mole bait - pellets". Since she is not under direct fire at the moment, she whirls around and opens the vent cover on the vent nearest her. She shoots several rounds into the vent. She makes her way to the next vent, with full intent of opening each vent she can get to.

Note that, as per my first posting upon entrering, our improbability shield more or less had to come down prior to any of us shooting anything, so Caerwynn brought it down. It's not there anymore.


*ducking under the flame, sidestepping, and grabbing a mole in each hand*


This should annoy both Avacado and Skip, simultaneously


*Throws moles at Skip, making sure they skim the path of the flamethrower and ignite in the process*

Hey, man, it's confusing for both you, and the chemist you were cloned from to have the same name. Especially concidering you keep refering to yourself in the third person. I keep thinking you're talking about the brilliant frood, but you're talking about yourself.

I'll stick with Avocado for now.


Taunting: one of the qualities of a hero VolTerror forgot about

*While what might otherwise be a noteable number of moles is distracted by the pellets, there simply aren't enough to truly make a dent in the mol of moles, who are now swarming directly at Irv (for the throwing incident) and at WM (because she is now such an obvious source of food), as opposed to in the group's general direction. Skip almost dodges the flaming moles, but one of them strikes his trench coat. Noticing the flames, he stops, drops to the ground, and begins rolling (after being sure to toss a knife in Lil's direction). Avogadro notices the loss of two moles*

Avogadro-Pheh. At least they died sensibly, in battle. *Waiting to see how the acid thing goes*

*note's Witty's idea, and the change in the direction of the Moles. Quickly calculates: ((6.022*10^23)-2)/2= 301099999999999999999999 Moles heading in his direction, minus a "significant amount" of moles heading towards the vents where Witty keeps throwing the food.

Realizes this computation doesn't help him in the slightest, and swears outloud, but under his breath*

Belgium

*Has another idea. If he can just keep factioning off the moles, that should make things easier. Flips his IIWW into gear, and spontaneously creats a garden at the far side of the warehouse*

Let's estimate twenty moles currently in the vents, and twenty currently running over to the garden at this point, shall we?



Thor-By the halls of Valhalla! That's a lot of moles!

FACE-Hmmm, yes....anyone feel like jumping into the action yet?

*A few moments of silence from the audience*

Ellimist-I dunno. I'm more for waiting for there to be a clear advantage to be granted to one side before we interfere.

FACE-Okay, we can wait. Just remember: for this broadcast we have been granted permission to interfere when we wish, but only one of us may do so at a time.

*The group nods as a whole*

*"Accidentally" stepping on a mole*

Hey guys, yeah, Skippy Peanut Butter, Avacado Spread, and VolTelicious. What happens if I do this?

*aims his Kill-O-Zap at the odd device's box labled "bio-hazard" and fires*

*The blast bounces off of the shiny metal covering of the box, back at Irv*

Skip-HA! SEE??? That's what you get for attempting to counter me! I am pure evil! AND LET'S KEEP OUR RESPECTIVE NAMES OUT OF THIS, THEY MEAN NOTHING!

VolTerror-Oh, lighten up Skip.

*Thinks that the Salonistas aren't making a dent in the moles.*

We need something else. We need a very large Infinite Capacity Something or Other that will attract furry objects.

*Is hit by a blast from his own Kill-O-Zap. Those who read the earlier posts in this thread know that this gun was set to "Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster". Irving is therefore now an expert on what it feels like to be hit in the head by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. It slows him down a bit.*

Whoa...

*Tries to reset his gun for "black hole" but sets it to "sobriety" instead. Thinks he is aiming at VolTerror, but is actually holding the gun backwards*

*By now the moles have had more than enough time to approach, surround, discuss, and come to a decision about Irving Washington (though in actuality, thanks to the strange rules of time in h2g2, they have been frantically running towards him without a plan). The result is that the huge number of them have attacked. About 47/48ths of the moles decide to just attack him, but the rest are trying to wrestle away the gun (or at least aim it elsewhere, or possibly shift it to a different setting. I mean, really. They're moles. Not too bright)*

[Yar puts away his lightsaber and sets the Chefinator to "medium rare." He then proceeds to start roasting moles.]

*About fifty moles become seriously injured. Roughly a third of WM's moles now rush YK*