h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

we are still in the kitchen, looking intently at Yello-hair-drier-man as he looks intently at the damp patch on the ceiling (he is actually trying to use telekinesis to make it go away but is failing rather misrably).
Suddenly, a thought comes into his head. It's a very nice thought about dolphins and swimming in the ocean and the day his ice cream fell in the sand so his parents got him another one, and he can't understand why he's thinking about all that until finally he realises he is knee-deep in water.
'The bath!' he shouts and hurries upstairs, only to find that the bath is gone and the pipes are pouring water at a rate that will leave him broke very fast. Looking out the window he can see the bath making its way down the road, to

the annoyance of the flocks of terns in the street. The bath was screaming "One good tern deserves another," as it wallowed on average down the middle of the median strip. This annoyed the terns as they were all single, and did not appreciate the bath rubbing it in. In fact the half terns were swooping the bath in an attempt to steer

the story back to the original frenchman. This however backfired as he caught and ate the turns before dissapearing into

a shrubery, were he was duly mugged by a man with an eye-patch, and hung up on a tree by the

the eye-patch. It was a police eye-patch and as well as tree-ing frenchmen, it was trained to assist pirates and bad guys from pioneer areas of western USA. The mugger aimed

but his very bad shot led him to shooting himself in his good eye, which he has left on the

turn with only a bent white stick and a YMCA membership card just in case ....


{just found this from 4 months ago but it sounds like fun!!}

someone screams...MY FLAMING CHILLY IS ON FIRE! PLEASE...

Please me just pips it to number two. and finaly we have, brand new at number 1...

...a smoldering thin-sliced slice of ham...on which someone just played the intro music to the Hootoo Movie...and that rounds it up for the Worlds Funniest Vids: The many misuses of food...tune in next time for The World's Funniest Vids: The...

guy in the Ratzinger: Laying The Smack Down On Heresy Since 1982 t-shirt said you could sell me...

practically everything.
The problem with suckers, the yellow-haired man from so-and-so posts above thought to himself as he put the phone down and marked down another sale, is that they can't hold things in place very well.
He looked at his bath again, and noticed it still hadn't stopped wobbling. He will obviously need to get some rope. And preferably...

. . . it would be blue since this man was colour-blind and could only see blue. This causes much confusion since the man is an avid bird-spotter, and while on a bird-spotting expidition many years ago . . .

in a galaxy a fair way away a little green man there was who like this did talk. Rather small he was but a mighty warrior he...

. . . be not. As a result his rebelion, which consited of him and his dog, failed miseribly and the galactic government . . .

re-elect the great toe-knee blaigh to his 701st term of office as pressident, once again beating the rather mediocre Jee-Dubya into...

. . . a bloody pulp. Jee-Dubya went on to try and bring peace and harmony in the universe, but was accidently shot by some frat boys on a college road trip. The frat boys burried to body . . .

.... In the backgarden of one James 'girly boy' Todd whose house was scheduled for demolition, such is the Ashford Borough Councils craving for more flats, and luckily...

..... they decided to cut off the more disreputable parts of the
body and use the space for playing fields insted. Whilst contemplating where they could put said parts of the body ......

. . . a dog ran over and ate all the spare body parts. In a drunken stupur, the frat boys killed the dog, only to find out the next day that he was the dog of Toe-knee Blaigh who sent out the galactic military to find the dog he loved so much. The frat boys realised they were . . .