h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmmm....sorry if I pronounced it wrong. I meant to say "The Grey Man," but I must've sneezed.

Anyway, I suppose we *could* step inside. I'm not hungry or thirsty myself, but I can't speak for everyone...

Another glass of lager would be lovely. If anybody's hungry, I've got this yummy chunk of sausage covered with dust that I took from the pocket of a dead man. Just like Mum used to make.

I could use a bucket of and a three-course meal...

They do a grand beef stew with hot rolls. I was planning to take my meal here, and I will be honored to treat you all to dinner. I will introduce you to Hamish McFierce. He may be able to answer your questions, as he spends a lot of time above the snowline, prospecting. No-one knows Cairn Gorm as well as Hamish.

Yes, sounds like an invaluable lead....lead on!

*puts his carving away and stands up*

Arrrr, any man wot stands me a meal or a drink is a mate o mine!

*Slaps the judge on the back.

Meanwhile, SM regains consciousness and stumbles into the tavern. There erupts a cacaphony of shouts and ewwwww's followed by SM exiting the tavern horizontally, head first.*

*SM flies into Amy, who had been standing with her back to the tavern door. As that didn't do much, if any, to change his trajectory, SM's head hits the ground, knocking him unconscious *again*, this time pinning Amy to the ground.*

Do you know how long it takes to get some smells out of paper? Get him off and hose me down, PLEASE.

Wouldn't hosing you down be potentially dangerous? Or are you a sturdier stock of paper than normal?

*Eyes the high pressure hose, and own 20lb cotton bond self (normal printer paper)* Ah, good point... Sluice me down then. At least get this guy off me, please?

[Lentilla rolls the smelly man over on his face, just enough to dislodge Amy.]

Not sure what to do about the smell! I think you're on your own there.

[Walks toward the door of the Bung and Beaker]

Thanks!



*Gets mufflewhump out of basket--it turns into a spray bottle of pet stain remover*

This should work--I know someone that is using this while potty training her daughter...

*Sprays self*

* Peet pauses to look at the unconscious goon *

It seems to say something on his forehead. "sknahS egatimrA"...?

*The judge leads the way back into the inn, catches the eye of the landlord and shifts his head slightly sideways to indicate the group following him*

*the landlord nods and leads the way to an alcove containing a large round table and banquette seats. The alcove is private but affords a good view of the main room. The lighting is dim, coming from oil lamp sconces along the wall*

*A serving girl brings several baskets of fresh warm bread and butter to the table*

*the landlord indicates to one of the barkeepers that the table is to be supplied with tankards of ale*

Thank you, Zachariah. A word in your ear if you please.

*the judge whispers into the landlord's ear*

*the landlord suddenly turns pale and his eyes widen -- he nearly steps away from the judge, who takes hold of the landlord's elbow and fixes him with a meaningful glare*

*the landlord hurries off*

Please be seated, strangers, and help yourselves. Annie will bring the stew shortly, and Zachariah has gone to find Hamish.

*the judge takes a seat against the wall, and reaches for the breadbasket*

*Sits as well, eagerly reaching for the bread*

I love bread. Normally fill up on the stuff, to be quite frank. So, while we wait for the food, is there anything more you can tell us, sir?

*Takes a seat as far from the sconces as possible.*

* Joins Amy in the shadowy corner *

'scuse me, I'm a tad peckish...

* Launches into eating from the basket of bread rolls *

Burrrrrrrp. Pardon.

*as the serving girl dispenses tankards of ale to the diners, the judge finishes his slice of bread and wipes his mouth*

Britney, we'll be needing more bread, if you please.

Well, sir, that's a general sort of question. About McFierce? His father was gamekeeper to the Earl of Globmoor, and young Hamish always accompanied his father on tours of the estate's hinterlands. He never settled down, really. Bought the mining rights to the lands with some of his inheritance after his father died -- him having been pretty well settled by the Earl when ~he~ , erm, disappeared. At any rate, Hamish has a small trust fund that keeps him more or less secure, despite his peripatetic life.

But there I go giving you a legal point of view. And here's the main course.

*Britney returns with more bread and big bowls of a fragrant stew of beef, carrots, potatoes and onions in a thick brown gravy*

Fascinating. We must make haste to meet this McFierce as soon as we finish this wonderful meal.

What about the mountain itself? Or The Grey Man? Can you tell us anything about that, outside of what popular legend reports?

*a silence settles over the erstwhile bustling inn as the words "gray man" travel across the pubic area, and heads turn in the direction of the adventurers*

*in loud cheerful voice* How's my grandma? Why, for a lady 124 years old she's doing extraordinarily well, so kind of you to ask!

*in very low voice* Please don't say that again, at least not above a whisper. The last time a scientific expedition came hither looking for that of which you just spoke, all manner of strange things were disturbed up on Cairn Gorm. James Strathcallan lost half his sheep in one night, and we were afraid to let the children stray beyond the open commons. Not a single dog would leave his kennel for weeks. You'll get no help from anyone atall if you keep invoking that... name.

*the judge flaps his napkin in some embarrassment, and a lower case L flies out and lodges in his earlier post, restoring the public area to decorum*