h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy moves away from yet another frustrating attempt to gather info, and turns to everyone else*

Well guys, we may just have to go in blindly. Not receiving much help from the locals.

*Affy looks around and realizes that the majority of the party is, in fact, missing*

Guys?

I'M IN THE KITCHEN!

Oh, right. Momma told me not to shout.

[Looking around, Lentilla sees a bowl of mySTEERIOUS red spheres, known to ordinary humans as apples. She takes one and essays a bite, only to discover half a worm in her apple. Sensing a weird tapping sensation coming from her left breast, she looks down to discover Amy still wedged in her shirt pocket.]

Ah, poor Amy. Let me get you out of there... [Removes Amy from pocket, unfolds her gently.] Shall we join Affy outside? I think we've done enough damage here. [Putting the apple and worm in her pockets (which are becoming quite full) she leaves the kitchen, and heads outside the pub.

Ah *stretch* thanks. Not the best idea I've ever had...

You've got a nice strong heartbeat.

*follows Lentilla out*

* Follows, pausing to pocket a toffee-hammer *

You never know when it'll come in useful...

*Having noticed his fellow adventurers leaving for the kitchen (except for Affy, who is looking around in a bewildered fashion), Buccaneer leans back and starts to close the little door, but just before he does, something catches his eye. The man who Affy was just talking to has non-chalantly gotten up from his table and moved to the darkest corner of the room to another table surrounded by my-STEEEERious looking characters. They all bend forward as he whispers to the them, then they all straighten up and look over at Affy. As Affy's gaze brushes past the table, they all hurriedly look down or up or anywhere else that isn't at Affy. When Affy looks away, the man Affy had talked to nudges the smallest man at the table, who nods and briefly shows something to him, something that momentarily glints like a knife blade before it is hidden again from sight. The smallest man, who bears a remarkable resemblance to an orangutan, stands up, ready to move and steals furtive glances at Affy every few seconds.*

Arrrr, me thinks me mate may have aquired some trouble.

*The man that Affy had talked to looks up at Teddy's picture and scowls. He pushes back his chair, checks something under his jacket at the small of his back and heads towards the kitchen.*

Arrrr, and here comes some fer meself too. Cain't go out the way I gots here, so...

*Buccaneer heads away from the door, into the darkness ahead.*

[Lentilla peeks around the edge of the kitchen door, and sees the mySTEERIOUS man approaching the kitchen. She ducks back inside and thinks for a moment, then spots the small door off to the side that Buccaneer had entered earlier.]

Well, there's no time like the present, I always say. Although 1994 was a fun year.

[Lentilla opens the door and ducks inside, shutting it behind her. Buccaneer's heels retreat into the darkness. She follows, holding a hand across her nose to keep out the choking dust.]

Amy, you still with me? [Looks around wildly]

*slips under the door*

Here I am--just checking to see if the anyone spotted the door opening. Didn't seem to be noticed, though I could be wrong.

Ah, good.

[Squints]

Did anybody happen to bring a light?

*Buccaneer hears the door open and close behind him and assumes it is the man Affy talked to. He rounds a corner in the passage and increases his pace. The passage has been sloping downwards for some time and Buccaneer notices that there is a very faint illumination coming from the walls - just enough to see a few feet ahead of himself. Which is a good thing, since otherwise he would have fallen down the stairs that suddenly appear before him. Instead, he descends the stairs, two at a time, and at the bottom finds himself in....

...a maze of twisty passages, all alike.

Buccaneer grins.*

Arrr, always loved a maze, I did. But avast, there is no time to map it! Perhaps it's a classic sort, like. Hmmmm. Let's try this one...

*Buccaneer goes e, s, s, s, n, e, e, nw (briefly looks for a chest), se, n, d. Buccaneer looks around and sees that he is back where he started.*

Arrr, not the Adventure maze, then.

*Buccaneer hears footsteps above.*

Arrr, lets try the Zork I maze, then....

*Buccaneer goes s, e, u, sw, e, s, se and finds himself...
....out of the maze! Buccaneer grins, then grunts in disgust.*

Arrr, why make yer own maze when ye can copy a classic. Bloody dubloon-pinchin scurvy dogs!

*He looks around and finds himself in a crypt of some sort. It is a square room, lined with shelves, upon which rest the remains of some very large people. Most of the shelves are full, but there are a few empty shelves and a pile of old bones in one corner. There doesn't appear to be an exit from the room, but fresh air is coming from somewhere.*

* Watches Amy slip under the (now locked) door *

Damn. Time to find another way out...

* Thinks *

Why DOES this tiny pub have such a huge kitchen?

Perhaps it's an n-space kitchen, Peet!

[Lentilla proceeds down the hallway, hearing footsteps recede in front of her. Tripping down the steps, she sees the twisty maze that Buccaneer went through earlier.]

How weird. Why would something like this be down here?

[Looking down at the floor, she spots Buccaneer's footprints in the dust. She follows them to a large, wooden barred door.]

Knock, knock! Anybody home?

[Pulling on the handle, she discovers it's locked.] Amy, you want to see what's under the door?

Sure. And if you've any lockpicks, maybe I can get the door unlocked--let me look first though--there may be a key or something on the other side. Too bad I didn't grab any mufflewhumps before I stashed the basket...

*Slips under the door, continuing to mutter about her shortsightedness. Amy's leg brushes against a metal pole coming from the bottom center of the door*

What the...?

*Coming out from under the unusually thick door, Amy notes a curved track from the door to a door-deep recess in the wall, in which the pole she had brushed against fits. Curious, she stands and looks at the ceiling--another track. Using the cracks in the door, into which a piece of paper can barely be inserted (about half a centimeter), she climbs high enough to feel the top of the door. The pole appears to pass vertically through the entire door.*

Very strange.

*Amy peers around briefly, noting that some parts of the floor look different than others--maybe pressure switches?--then slips back under the door, since it is too thick to yell through, and she's suddenly aware that she had been quite a while climbing up and then back down*

*Realizes she should've just exited over the top of the door*

Well, Lentilla, this door's kind of... different *describes the door details she found* But I think I saw Buccaneer in there--I saw some pirate's back, anyway. Looks like some sort of crypt.

Affy-...okay, in that case it was a GRASSHOPPER who walked into the bar, and he said-

Bartender-"Why do you have a drink named Bob?"

Affy-...did I say grasshopper? It was two guys walkin into a bar, and-

Bartender-"Ouch."

Affy-...yeah. But then, you know, there's the one about the cowboy and the horse who walk into the bar...

Bartender-"That's not where you put the key."

Affy-A priest, minister, and rabbi all walk into a bar, followed by a clown, two aardvarks, a man with a ventriloquist dummy, a redhead, a sailor, a cook, and a duck.

Bartender-"What is this, some kind of a joke?"

*Affy frowns at the bartender before sighing and reaching into his wallet*

Affy-Fine, you win, but I can only pay you in dollars or zorkmids right now.

Bartender-What's a Zorkmid?

Affy-....oh, so you HAVEN'T heard this joke, then? I win.

Bartender-Curses!

*Meanwhile, in the crypt Buccaneer steps on a secret panel that is designed to shoot poisoned darts out of the wall. However, as the device has not been reloaded in quite some time, the wall only produces a strange clicking noise*

*Buccaneer shivers as he hears a faint rustling behind him.*


Arr, nothin to be afraid of. They's all good an dead. Musta been the wind or something.


*Buccaneer draws his sword, just to be on the safe side. Then he slowly turns to face the direction that the rustling came from. He thinks he sees the last of something slipping under a door, but shakes his head and dismisses it as a trick of the light. He scratches his head, wondering where the door came from, then sees the recess and the tracks.*

Arrrr, that door musta closed after I was in here.

He turns back and takes a step. The wall to his left clicks. Instinctively, he ducks, but nothing whizzes over his head. He looks at the ground, sees the pressure pad he stepped on and slaps his forehead.*

Arrr, I be gettin rusty, methinks.

*Buccaneer sees the faint outline of another pressure pad in the dust to his right. He lays flat on the floor and reaches out with his sword. With the very tip of his sword, out at arms length, he pushes the pressure pad. Silently, a trap door opens where the pressure pad was. Buccaneer edges over and looks in. He sees nothing but darkness until a few seconds later, the trap door silently closes again.*

Arrr, looks like some things are still in ship shape.

*Affy leads the other bargoers in a tear-jerking rendition of Carmen Miranda's Ghost*

[Lentilla realizes that she's been pulling on the large wooden door. She puts some back into it, and pushes the door sideways. With a grating sound and a shower of dust, it slides open.]

Story of my life. The sign on the door says push, and I pull.

Buccaneer, what the buck are you doing in there? Quit fooling around with the secret trapdoor... Say, where does that go, anyway?

* After a list of mishaps too long to go into here, Peet finishes filling in the application form for the now-vacant post of su(icide) chef *

So, you'll call me, right? I'm very excited about this opportunity. I've got my own toffee hammer - look! Er, please stop pushing me...

* Peet ends up back outside *

Ah well, that worked well.

* Wanders round the back of the building *

Hmm, it's much smaller on the outside.

1-321-455-7924

*Affy pulls off his blindfold and turns to look at the telephone's digitall display, showing the number 1-546-345-6378 on it*

Hmmm? Wait, no, I get a do-over! You must have some crazy button tones on that phone of yours, I know that I head 1-321-455-7924!

*The bartender shakes his head*

Oh, fine. Fine! I'll pay. But mark my words, I'm calling a telephone inspector after I leave here today!

*Buccaneer nearly jumps out of his skin when Lentilla speaks and accidentally trips another pressure switch with his sword.*

Waaaaaaa!
SPROOOOOINGGGGG

*Had he been standing up, he would have been sliced in two by the large circular blade that spun across the room. He stands up carefully, facing Lentilla*

Arrr, missus, ye shouldn't sneak up on a man like that.

*Buccaneer takes a step towards Lentilla*

Now watch where ye step matey, there's....

*Buccaneer's words are cut off as he steps on a pressure switch. His right foot sinks a little into the floor and a rope snare tightens around his ankle, then whips to the ceiling. Normally, this would leave the victim dangling by one leg from the ceiling. In Buccaneer's case, this left a surprised Buccaneer hopping for balance on one leg and a peg leg suspended from the ceiling.*

Shall I go get that, then?

*climbs up the wall, and surveys the ceiling*

Ack, there's nothing to grab onto to get over there. I should've looked before I got up here, huh?

*lets go, flutters down*

One definite advantage of being so light--unless there's a hair trigger on these things...

*lands on a hair-trigger pad a bit past Buccaneer and Lentilla. At waist-height, if Amy had gotten up off the floor (and presumably of anyone walking and stepping) comes a spurt of fire from each side*





*Amy rolls up tight and whimpers*