h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Buttons up shirt, puts on officious face, and follows Peet.]

*stashes basket behind the building, runs back around front, jumps in the air, aiming for Lentilla's pocket while folding up small*

I figure a giant paper doll following along would give the game away

*finishes folding, tucks self in L's pocket*

* Opens door and strides purposefully into bar *

Where are you, Affy?

[Pats pocket] Dang, now if I only had a pencil...

*The tail end of a rope dangles out of the rift, about 8 feet above ground. There is some muffled yelling from the rift, then Buccaneer plummets out of the rift, holding the now-slack rope. He yells back up at the rift*

Arrrrr!!! Ampton, ye scaliwag! I said lower the rope, not let go the rope!

Ruined me entrance, he did

*Gets up, brushes off his breeches. Looks around and sees no one looking.*

Well, at least no one saw that.

*Coils the rope and attaches it to his sash. Looks up at the mountain, and then over at the building. Walks over to the building and peers in the window.*

Aha, there's some of me mates. But what in the seven seas are they doing? I see a bar and they's not drinkin! Arrrr, must be some sort of devious plan. I'd best wait here...or maybe see if I can get in the back and liberate a bit o rum.

*Disappears around the back of the building.*

Peet, this is Continuity Lite. Feel free to make up room descriptions and plot points at the drop of a hat.


*Affy walks into what looks like a large, comfortable hunting/ski lodge, complete with fireplace, bar, and a stuffed bear in a formidable pose, staring at the door. Over the fireplace sits another oddly placed picture of Teddy Roosevelt. The bar is populated by a comfortable amount of people, some cheerfully chatting in groups around tables, others sitting quietly in the shadows at the far corners of the room while wearing shadowy hats that obscure most of their faces. Probably guarding dark secrets or something. Affy walks up to the bar and looks through a menu*

Eh? No phlog?! An outrage.

I assumed from the description that you'd already thought the interior through.

I don't have time to be "creative" now, perhaps later tonight...

*Affy heads to one of the dark corners to whisper with some of the more mysterious looking patrons. He returns moments later*

I mentioned the Grey Man to a few people....they think I'm a silly tourist. Which, in their defense, is true, but realistically doesn't help us much.

I also received an offer to help protect a Ring of some sort on a trip 'round the world, but I don't think we've got that kind of time.

*Motions to point back at the individual, and sees him slumped over in the chair, possibly dead*

Hmm. Yeah, that one ring job probably wouldn't have worked out anyway judging by the recruiter's lifespan.

*Finds a back door and slips inside. The room appears to be a small vestibule with coat hooks, covered with coats, and boot racks, covered with boots. Several lockers line one wall, a long bench lies along another wall and a second door faces the one by which Buccaneer entered. There is a small red sphere on the bench.*

Take sphere.

Ahem, did I say that aloud?

*Buccaneer takes the sphere. He cracks open the inner door and peers through. Beyond the door is a bustling kitchen. Well, the kitchen itself isn't bustling, but the people inside it are. Buccaneer takes a cook's hat out of one of the lockers and replaces his tricorn with it. He now looks like a very silly pirate, but considers himself fully disguised. He enters the kitchen. A sou-chef looks up from chopping carrots and rolls his eyes.*

Sou-chef: Here's another idiot trying to sneak in. This one looks like a silly pirate.

* A red indian wearing full warpaint and a chef's hat wanders past Buccaneer *

"Ignore him, he's just the Sioux-chef" says the Sou-chef.

*A lawyer wearing a chef's hat walks by*

"Ignore him, he's just the sue-chef", says the sioux-chef.

'Scuse me. Just hit my head on this low beam here.

[Lentilla looks around the pub. Spotting the Teddy Roosevelt portrait on the mantel, she goes up to take a closer look.]

* Peet wanders around, occasionally picking up someone's empty glass, taking a sniff, pulling a face and scribbling in his notepad *

[Lentilla peers at the photograph of Teddy Kennedy, but sees nothing unusual about it. She does, however, hear something odd.]

There's a weird whirring noise coming from this photograph. Ah, well. Time for a beverage.

[She spots the unfortunate adventurer slumped at a table, with a full glass of ale in front of him.]

Hmph. Shame to see that go to waste.

[Lentilla saunters over to the table, and sits down by the adventurer. Nonchalantly she takes the pint glass, sniffs it, then takes a drink.]

[Seeing that nobody seems to be looking in her direction, she reaches a hand under the table and into the adventurer's outside coat pocket.]

What do we have here? A snuffbox, now that's odd. Haven't seen one of those in a long time. A small penknife, now that could come in handy. A chunk of sausage wrapped in paper. No ring - now that would be too easy!

*Buccaneer manouvres his way through the kitchen, avoiding first a woman in a chef's hat and wearing pumps on her feet and sneakers on her hands (the shoe-chef), then avoiding a man with a chef's hat who is covered in used wads of gum (the chew-chef) and finally avoiding a man wearing a chef's hat and programming an innovative user interface for the kitchen's web site (the goo-chef).


Think that flogged horse is good and dead now?


He sees a small door to one side marked "Nothing to see or do in here." In small type below this is written: "If you're reading this, you are taking far too much interest in this door. Mention the number 42 to the bartender and get a free drink. Go. Do it now." Then, below this in almost microscopic type, it is written: "You're getting really annoying now. We've tried to keep you out of here in the nicest way, but you obviously aren't taking the hint. Well go ahead then - enter...and DIE!!!!!!!!"

Buccaneer grins and rubs his hands in glee. This is right just the sort of thing he loves. He reaches out and turns the knob on the door. It is unlocked and the door swings open inwards. He steps inside and closes the door behind him. He fumbles for a light switch in the total darkness that enfolds him, finds one and a dim bulb comes to life somewhere high up in the rafters, dispelling only slightly the darkness. Buccaneer finds himself in a small narrow room, almost a hallway, disappearing into darkness ahead of him and with an incredibly high ceiling, lost somewhere above him. The walls are unfinished, with the wall on his right made from stone. There is a small stool against the stone wall and when Buccaneer stands on it, his eyes become even with a small wooden sliding door, about 2 inches high by 6 inches wide. He slides the door to one side, revealing 2 holes, about as far apart as his eyes. He leans closer and looks through the holes. Or at least, looks through one hole and leans his eyepatch against the other.

From inside the main room, if anyone was looking at the Teddy Roosevelt picture, they would have noticed that one of Teddy's eyes seems to be looking around the room and that Teddy has aquired a black eye.*

I was walking through the park one day, in the merry merry month of May, when to my surprise, I saw a wandering eye... in the merry merry month of May!

[The patrons of the bar look around, trying to figure out why Lentilla is singing, then return to their drab activities.]

Well, *hic* that ale was good, but now it's time to do a little adventuring.

[Lentilla looks around the bar again, and from her new angle at the table, she sees something that missed her eye before - a clump of what looks like gray fur stuck to the poker propped up at the fireplace. She nonchalantly walks back to the fireplace, placing the glass on the mantle, then pulls the gray fur from the poker and puts it in her pocket.]

I'll visit the ladies room, then we can be on our way... perhaps with a quick detour through the kitchen. [Lentilla walks back toward the kitchen, looking as innocent as possible. Unfortunately in her case this makes her look very suspicious, which in turn makes her look like she fits right in to this bar full of suspicious characters.]

*realizes that folding up with her head on the inside was a mistake*

*wonders how she can communicate with anyone in this position*

*tries twitching in morse code*

.-.. . - / -- . / --- ..- - / .-- .... . -. / -.-- --- ..- / --. . - / .- / -.-. .... .- -. -.-. . .-.-.- / .. / -.-. .- -. .----. - / ... . . / --- .-. / .... . .- .-. / .- -. -.-- - .... .. -. --. --..-- / .- -. -.. / .. - .----. ... / -... --- .-. .. -. --. / .. -. / .... . .-. . .-.-.- / .--. .-.. ..- ... / - .... . .-. . .----. ... / ..-. ..- .-. / .... . .-. . / -. --- .-- .-.-.- *

*translation--Let me out when you get a chance. I can't see or hear anything, and it's boring in here. Plus there's fur here now.

*Affy, meanwhile, is speaking with a very mysterious looking individual. The effect is somewhat diminished by the way he says "My-STEEEEEEEEEEER-ious!" every time the word comes up, while waggling his fingers in an (arguably) mysterious way. Fortunately, enough of the conversation seems to have passed that Affy may be able to steer clear of such an event*

Affy-So, he saw one too?

Man-Aye, accordin' ta th'story. Ol' fella was ne'er tracked down t'comment, though. Had t'go on Teddy's word.

Affy-Hence his picture, but not his name on the establishment.

Man-Aye. 'N if'n Fear Liath Moore is kin o' t'sasquatch, hat's more'n'nough reason.

Affy-Fascinating. And why's the picture have a moving eye?

Man-'Tis but a rumor, though ancient My-STEEEEEEEEEEER-ious folklore tells o' a back room here, known only ta th'kitchen staff.

Affy-...then how do you-

Man-As well as bein' t'town 'istorian, I'm also due ta begin me shift in fifteen minutes. Arrr.

Affy-Ah. By the way, forgive me if this is an awkward question, but your accent doesn't seem to fit the location we're in.

Man-Aye. Born in Detroit, I was.

Affy-...but, that doesn't-

Man-My-STEEEEEEEEEEEEEER-ious! *waggles fingers*

Affy-...Right...

* After sniffing several of the glasses, Peet loses all interest in actually drinking in here. Spotting Lentilla he decides to follow her to the kitchen. *

Hmmmmm.

* Makes notes *