h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy roughly falls out of a rift in space, lands hard on the ground, mutters briefly about Ampton's failure to coordinate this type of travel correctly, gets his bearings, and quickly rolls to the side just before the next party member arrives.

He stands up and brushes himself off, looking around. He can see the Cairn Gorm mountain's base very near to his current location, as well as a drinking establishment with a sign reading "Bauman's Bar" along with a picture of Teddy Roosevelt. He curiously looks through the window*

Doesn't look like a traditional Scottish Pub to me...

* Plummets through and bounces *

*a large basket of what appears to be sparkly rainbow dustbunnies (mufflewhumps) appears, with a 5'7" printer paper paper doll holding the handles and acting as a parachute falls through the rift, lands next to Peet and promptly tips over*

[Lentilla falls through the rift, and hits the ground rolling. She bounces to her feet gracefully, then spoils everything by tripping over a boulder behind her and falling on her rear.]

* Picks up crumpled 1930s map with badly-drawn aeroplane in one corner *

Hmmm.

*Studies map intently; looks around *

Well...

That looks like Ben Doon over there; see, you can just see Benny Hill at the bottom. And there's Loch An'load. So, behind us should be... ah, yes... Ben Kingsley. Yes, there's no doubt about it, we're...

* DOOM MUSIC *

Right in the Trossachs.

* Shuffles his feet *

I'm torn. Part of me wants to run up the mountain, the other part of me wants to look in on this fine establishment here to listen to vaguely whispered rumors. Rumors about just why there's a picture of Teddy Roosevelt here, among other things.

Well, does anybody have the price of a round on them?

*wonders if it's kosher to turn mufflewhumps into *

I left all my change in my other bulletproof vest.

Peet, never leave your bulletproof vest behind. It's where the money is!

*Scrounges through his pockets*

I've got...let's see....twenty-seven cents, and a hand-carved skate key.

Hmmm. I wonder what the foreign exchange rate is here...?

[Lentilla digs in her pockets....] Lessee, I've got pocket fluff, fifty cents, a book of matches, and a receipt from... somebody. No identifying marks. Not much use, except for the pocket fluff. We could always go in and look thirsty, I suppose.

Affy, do you have your notebook? I have an idea.

* Whispered *
We go in and walk round the pub two or three times with you taking notes. When they finally ask who we are we say we're inspectors from the brewery come to check on the premises, and test the beer.

Well, it gets the plot moving, anyway.

Well, if Affy doesn't have his notebook, I can always fold myself up to notebook size--as long as that's a pencil and not a pen...

No, I'm just pleased to see you.

Why would a pencil be better than a pen?

Regardless, I always have a notebook.

*Hands the notebook to Peet*

Because pencil will erase off

Hokay, let's do this.

* Fluffs up bulletproof vest, opens up notebook and heads into the bar *

(Affy, we need some interior descriptions, please!)