h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gees I hate this predicament I'm in. The guy says he still has feelings for me yet is unsure whether he can fully love me again. Says there's different types of love. So he's suggested friends and then if anything more is to come forth and we get back to how we were if not better than great. However, he's suggested cutting down time to once a week in seeing each other, never calls ...I do all the running. He's also 20 years older and thus comes with baggage. He snores too and doesn't crave affection like I do. He's really hurting me and if I ask him whether his feelings have changed ie. does he feel he loves me, he says to stop pressurising him and at the moment if he's forced to say one way or the other then the answer is no...let's just see if we can get them back, we are enjoying each other's company aren't we....help I'm aching, stressed, can't stop thinking of him...he's like a drug!

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, Opti.

I can't really give you advice, you have to make a decision, but it sounds as if he's not interested in a relationship.

It doesn't sound to me as if he ever really loved you in the first place, but then it's hard to judge.

From where I am, I'd say let him go - now. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can heal.

Hiya!

Er. imo, you can do so much better.

He's obviously not got the balls (because it doesn't seem to me like he's enjoying much more than the odd 'booty call' if you like) to be upfront and tell you that all he wants and will ever want from you is sex and attention. When he wants it.

That's not a relationship.

He's using you, for sure. Taking advantage of your feelings if you prefer.

Make space in your life for someone who will love you back by getting rid of him. Delete his number, delete his email, cut all your ties and arrange to go out with a mate and keep yourself distracted (but who you can also offload all the confused feelings to) for a few days.

I've been in this situation, and it's hard to move on without someone to move on to, but it will make you stronger and make you more picky in the future which IS a good thing, I promise!

If you want to, I'm on face book. Same user/screen name as on here. I check my facebook in evenings too, so if you want someone you can send those 'I want to call him so much!!!' messages to, feel free!!!

Since I am the "it's my way or the high way" person I am - ditch him. He sounds like a jerk that you shouldn't waste your time, life and feelings on.

You deserve something better.

You are probably going to get a lot of this Opti... I dont think any of us here are particularly sympathetic to people treating other people with anything less than full respect and honesty...

I always go with my gut feeling. If you know it's wrong/unhealthy/stressful, then you should probably do what you can to neutralise it.

usually, when you do, you feel better. Far better. It gets a bit addictive.

Thank you for giving me your honest opinions.

One thing to add the affection kisses etc are no more so he's not using me in that way.

Thing is, you wanting to do it makes a difference.

I know because I've had to tell a guy that I couldn't be with him. I wasn't interested either, but he would have done anything for me. It felt great but I couldn't live with myself and it made me uncomfortable before more than a couple of days.

It feels good to feel wanted, you know that.

Some people are too weak to push that away even when they know it's wrong to accept it on any level.

It's definitely your decision, I just wonder whether in your heart of hearts you think anything is going to change, what will make it change and what it will change to?

And ask yourself, if nothing changes. Are you happy with that?

Coming from a bloke who has been through it all Opti, I would take a step back and look at the relationship again from a different angle.

Or as Mk2 says, make up a list of the Dos and Dont`s Likes and Lislikes about the relationship, and see how it pans out.

As that is what sh did when we first got together all those years ago.

Also, with the age difference, have a think of what things will be like in Ten years time, good luck, and think hard.

Smudger.

bail out love, bail out!
there's 100% better out there

I was with someone who wanted to cut the dates down to two a week, so he could have two evenings at home, and three to play darts.

So he liked darts more than me.

I left. It was hard, very, very hard, and I was miserable for months, but there were so many other things wrong with the relationship, as you describe there are with yours.

Why would you want to stay attached to someone who doesn't love you?

As for baggage, everyone comes with that, no matter what their age.

To put another view Opti, you are a needy person. Maybe he is too. Maybe he doesn't realise that in trying not to hurt you by finally finishing with you, he is actually hurting you more Only you know whether he is kind enough, and misguided enough, to do that.

In the end I am in agreement with others here. End it. There is no long term gain as far as I can see so short term pain is best. Get it over with. There is someone worthy of you out there. Just enjoy life and get on with it.

I too have been there, done that



Websailor

I'm loving and caring but hitting 60 yrs shortly, I'm off the menu

Age differences really dont have to make much difference.

Equality of respect and excpectation are far more important. And mutual caring, love, affection...

Hmm, (scuttles off to FB)...


...Robyn, is that you with the pink hat thing in the picture?

My sister's partner is only 3 years younger than my dad, yet they are both very happy. Age doesn't have to be a problem - but with them, they both love each other, and want to be with each other.

I know what you mean about the drug - I was with a woman for a few years, and was utterly addicted to her. Eventually, though, I realised that, like you, it was a one way thing. I got affection when *she* wanted it, I had to make all the calls, and finally realised that there was almost nothing in the relationship apart from what I put in. It was very difficult, but I made the break.

I am so glad I did - eight months later, I met another woman. We're now approaching 16 years of being together, and have been married for 14 of those. A relationship is a two way thing, and when both parties make a go of it, it's wonderful. When it's one way - and you've made a proper attempt to make your feelings clear... cut your losses.

Good luck!

Sounds like you deserve better, Opti. Out of interest, how long have you been "together"?

First Opti - good luck with whatever you decide

My two eurocents:

"So he's suggested friends and then if anything more is to come forth and we get back to how we were if not better than great."

Large alarm bells started ringing at that point for me. However I shoud admit that they *didn't* ring when I was in a similar situation years ago ... I'm not saying friends isn't possible - but I very much doubt it's helping you now. Being friends straight off doesn't give you the time and space to think clearly, as those feelings of "if only I could make him see it my way" bubble up again. And again. And it hurts. Later maybe, being friends is ok, but not now.

Chin-up Opti. It'll be ok. Make that space for yourself, put on music (happy, sad, whatever). Allow yourself time to think of the good things, but don't dwell on it.
As a friend of mine once said, "sometimes you just have to tell yourself "Remember you are wonderful" ; and being wonderful does not mean playing someone elses games"

If I look like an idiot with a can of lager and a number attached to my top that's me...

That's the one Robyn. What were you doing? It looks suspiciously like healthy exercise.

With a can of the old wifebeater?

I'd just finished the Race For Life (I jogged the start and finish and marched the rest!)