h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Once upon a time there was a tour guide named Frito Bandito. People came from all over to go on his tours. They'd come from the mountains, from the valleys, from Europe, from Asia, from Africa, even Canada and Australia - just to go on one of his tours.

What was so special about his tours? He would take his tour groups out to see all the dried up creek beds in the area. He even found a few dried up riverbeds to show them. He'd tell them all about the last time the dried up creeks, streams and rivers had last had water in them, and what it was that caused them to dry up. Using charts and maps he'd show what happened to all the water, and where it was going at the present time.

All this was endlessly fascinating to those who travelled great distances, just to go on his tours. The fame of the Frito Bandito tours grew until he was known the world over.

They called his work...















































... going to ex-streams.




This is the story that Lord Scott told me in the middle of the night on our first date, while we were sitting in the top of an old caboose at a park playgound. I was hooked!

CUSTOMER: This coffee tastes like mud.
JUAN VALDEZ: That's because it was ground this morning, senor.

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!"



And here he paused for effect...







"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

I wish I had been there to see the Devil
flip his wig.

A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately -- for rustling.

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog explained:
"Time's fun when your having flies."


A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry tigers, a fierce male and his mate. A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were killed. After which, each tiger ate a hunter. Far off atop a hill, a sheppard had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his high powered assault rifle, and returned to blow the tigers away. After descending the hill, he first cut open the female tiger, discovering the remains of the Frenchman inside.
"That settles it," said the sheppard, "The Czech's in the male."


There was a Babylonian General who was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped one night and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates.
He searched all over, but couldn't find them! So he figured he had better burn all the secret plans that were hidden in the ziggurat. As soon as the fire was going he threw in the first papers, and he was then promptly discovered and captured.
The moral of the story: WARNING! The searchin' General has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth!


The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one thing; she'd never won an Academy Award. She was known for being terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also known to soften for the promise of the elusive award.
One day she was called by the great director, Meyer Schmidt, and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it. "Iss Nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I'll NOT do it."
"But HONEYKINS," he cried, "It's a WONDERFUL script."
"I didn't say it wasn't Vunderful or goot, but I'll not do it."
"But Sweetiekins, " Meyer continued, "with my direction and your acting and name, it will make us MILLIONS."
"More Geldt I don't need. Ich do nicht like the script."
"But, DARLING, don't you see, with my connections, I can almost GUARANTEE you an Academy Award with a good performance."
Zelda thought a moment then agreed and said: "Oh, I'd LUFF to be an Oscar Veener, Meyer ..."


Remember Mark Hamill from Star Wars? He doesn't like to eat in Chinese restaurants. He likes the food fine, but has a lot of trouble using chopsticks. Just when he starts to get really frustrated, this voice whispers in his ear, "Use the Forks Luke."


This psychic is jailed for false prophecies, but because he is only 4'7" tall and extremely slender, he is able to slip under the bars and make his escape. Newspaper headline the next day? "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"
The psychic is really happy he escaped, and it back in business in a new location. This first customer, however is a plainclothesman who is looking for him. Before the psychic could do anything about it, the plainclothesman hit the psychic with his fist in order to subdue him. The plainclothesman was reprimanded for striking a happy medium.


I was offered a job making venetian blinds, but I turned it down, because it sounded like a shady business.

During a drought, things just go from one ex-stream to another.

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race who's planet is entirely covered by one gigantic shopping center.
The sceptical scientists didn't believe it at first, but they've now confirmed that it's a mall world after all.

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What did they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of...an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said, "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied, "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?", asked the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied, "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor. One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment." Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?" Replied the botanist, "With fronds like these...who needs enemas."

Those are all first-rate, Dragonlady.

**sees the word 'pun' on <./>info</.>; drops in**

OK, so there's an oceanologist, right? He's spent all his life studying dolphins and is absolutely crackers about them. Suddenly, he discovers that the guano of a certain South African bird will endow remarkable purposes on dolphins - among other things it will slow their aging process down to virtually zero, meaning they could live forever. Full of excitement, the scientist jets out to Brazil in order to import one of these remarkable birds.

In the scientist's home town, however, there is a big uproar as a lion has escaped from the zoo. However, the lion - being old and a bit tired - has simply gone to sleep on the pavement around the corner from the zoo.

So the scientist comes home and dashes to the bus stop in order to get his wonder bird home to his dolphins. In doing so, he is in such a hurry that he steps clean over the snoozing lion, and at that point a Police Constable marches up to him...

"Sir - I am afraid I am going to have to arrest you"

"But whatever for, officer?"

"For transporting a mynah across a staid lion for immortal porpoises"

B

Oh, and while we're on the subject, did you hear about the Dutchman with inflatable shoes?

He went jogging and popped his clogs.

B

Once, long ago, a king summoned all his provincial rulers to his castle. He was in a rather beligerent mood, and wanted to scare them into giving him extra taxes.
Unknown to him, they met in secret on the way, and decided that they should agree to pay the extra, but they would at first pretend to refuse, so they could try to bargain down the actual amount extra they would have to pay.
They arrived at the king's castle, and gathered in the audence chamber. The king made his demands, and as agreed, they started to refuse.
Unfortunately, they hadn't realised just how beligerent the king's mood was: as soon as they started to refuse, he got angry, and ordered his guards to kill them on the spot.
More than half of them were slain before they even realised what was happening, and the others had to do some very quick grovelling to survive.
After everything had settled down, those who remained explained to the king their plan, and the king was filled with remorse for his hasty actions.
The moral of the story?









Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

This is a great thread!

Very entertaining!

(With apologies to the nice folks who
brought you "Bandwagon")



A pun that is really a pun
Sends you out with a good sense of fun,
And you say, as you go on your way,
"That's puntertainment."

Bah! Stagehand nicked one of my favourites.

B

Look on the bright side:

more people have heard it now.

We found a dead crow in our front yard but have yet to hear the caws of death.

Two duchesses were arguing about their husbands. They decided to duke it out.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.

Sometimes a pregnancy is so long it seems like a maternity.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."


This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."


Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 350* for 20 minutes

So this gent walks into a restaurant.

"Good evening", says the maitre d'. "I will be your host for tonight. My name is Gervais. Does anything from the menu take your fancy?"

"As a matter of fact, it does," says the man. "I'm rather intrigued by your live coloured squid? Can I see the tank?"

"But of course" says Gervais, and brings this tank full of squid(s). Scarlet ones, blue ones, all the colours of the rainbow are there. The diner examines the tank carefully, and points: "There - that green one. Can you cook that for me?"

"Why certainly" says Gervais, and carefully fishes the mollusc out of the tank.

"Hang on!" says the diner. "It's got a moustache"

"Ah yes" Gervais replies. "That is unusual in squid, but don't worry, it is completely harmless. The moustache will drop off during the cooking"

So Gervais carries the green, moustachioed squid into the kitchen and prepares to plunge it into boiling water. But just as he is about to do so, the squid speaks!

"No, no. Don't kill me. I'm ever such a nice squid. You can't plunge me in that boiling water!"

Gervais wrestles with his conscience for a bit, and decides that he can't kill such a cute little sea creature. But the diner is now demanding his green squid. In desperation, Gervais turns to Hans, the big German who does the washing-up for the restaurant.

"Hans! Can you put this squid in the pan for me? I keep trying to do it, but it talks to me and asks me ever so nicely not to kill it."

"Ach, Gervais! You ist ein fool. Let me kill ze sqvid!"

So Hans grabs the squid around the neck, and readies it over the boiling water, and just as he is about to plunge it into the pan, the squid speaks again:

"No, no. Don't kill me. I'm ever such a nice squid. You can't plunge me in that boiling water!"

Hans doubles up in tears: "No! I cannot do it. Ze sqvid ist too cute."

Presently the diner calls the kitchen to ask why his food is taking so long. Presently a waiter emerges and sings:

"Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with mild green hairy-lip squid."

B

I can't believe there is a pun that made even Paul groan!

There's more where that came from too.

B

In Northern Spain they run special train to take people to bullfights. There are two types of coach .... toreador and non-toreador ....


One time, one of the trains caught fire, and everyone rushed for the only unlocked door - right at the back. many were trampled to death ... but that's what you get for putting all your Basques in one exit ...