h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tsk, tsk.........

You've been overfeeding the eunuch, again! When he gets too much protein he gets all frisky and tries to do things with his scratching post that are no longer physically possible!

The last time this happened, I found that he'd climbed the apple tree in the back yard, and we had to call the Fire Brigade to get him down........

I've baked some more sausage rolls.....no pigging out, now. Leave some for the other guests and the Chippendales, please.

*dives head first into the sausage rolls*


Oh they advised they were leaving until their union would allow them longer rest periods before Pandora pounced on them.

The extra savoury ones are made by rolling dried oregano into the shortcrust pastry, slashing the tops, then 'painting' them with a mixture of beaten egg and full cream milk..............my little secret.

I THINK Pandora might crumble the pastry case off, just so she could get at the sausage!

Oh, and I had a message from the Confederated Association of Male Teasers, Dancers and Body Wielders (the Chippendales union). Their local rep says that unless they get double time (AND danger money if Pandora is on the premises) we are going to be black balled (I made a certain commment at this, which didn't go down too well). Oh yes, and they also said that they have handed a file over to the police about 'The Magnificent Frederick'. If you remember correctly, that's the big hunk Pandora put in hospital for 6 weeks, with a combination of exhaustion and nervous prostration. Apparently, the 'dancer formerly know as Frederick the Magnificent' is now unable to work, and bursts into tears when little old ladies say, 'Hello Dearie', to him.

That's our Pandora!

~~~~~~~~~Got back as soon as I could. Who knew there were THAT many foot ball players per team!?



...*sniff-sniff...*



OhmyhellWho used the stuff in the jar marked 'oregano'?! Poor Batty.
It's no coincidence she's stuck in some old lady's hair! I jusss hate when that happens. ...*knocks out the old woman with an empty bottle & begins to untangle Batty from all that stiff hair...just then three detectives enter...holding up a paper for Pandora to read...she drops the old lady's head...making certain Batty is safely toward the top of the old woman's head...*AHHH-HA!
The results of the finger print tests are in!
Just as I thought!
The prints, that just so happen to be MY date of birth ... belong to ... Pandora-Born Again...uhhh, you fella's want a nice tall, icey cold beer?
...*whispers...*batty, quit fooling around in that old woman's hair & help me outta' this mess!...*puts the papers behind her back trying to entice the goat to eat them...having never tried to entice a goat...Pandora gets the attention of the eunic...*come on man! Eat them! It's only paper! Act as if you have some balls already! Jussss can't find a good man these daze.
Drink up fella's! I've upped the disability on your Union Policy to cover ages 21 through 23
...*pulls trap door...hangs onto rope while watching the "non" fliers take a dive...*

Who used ALL my oregano? AND...why are there tongue marks all around the Death By Chocolate cake in the refridgerator? Come out....stick you tongues out, you people, I want to examine you for traces of chocolate!

My, my, Miss Pandora, what an interesting...tongue!?

*tries to disentangle herself and fails miserably*

a little help here..

*watches the eunuch munching on a huge pile of papers*

Well that'll keep him good and regular..

Have you ever tried to house-break a eunuch? You wouldn't give him all those papers if you had!!

Now I have to dash down to the store, again. We are nearly out of confectioners sugar, we desperately need various latex devices and will somebody please stop taking baths in Verve Cliquot? The credit card company rang - AGAIN............

Next time you need to fill the tub use my Hootoo Express Card - I have the bills sent to Dubya using the heading "Miscellaneous Iraqi Foodstuffs and Torture Devices"

...*grabs the card and makes a made dash for the window...*

I'll jussss be at the invisible store at the unknown galaxy! I'm out of N2/0 &
my endless flask-o-fire is missingagain. I'll bring back lots of
stuff for you guys too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My word! How splendid! When Miss Pandora returns with the HooToo Express card I have some serious spending to do.....after all, one of my degrees is in Creative Accounting

I think I have solved the cashflow problem for a day or so. Just as I was pushing the eunuch out for the night, these two REALLY big dudes, armed with M-16s and rocket lauchers, and wearing sandy fatigues and sun glasses arrived on the doorstep. The started unloading heavy canvas sacks from a Chevy Surburban, and throwing them into the hallway, then drove off. When I opened them up I found $8 BILLION in large bills, and an invoice from Haliburton Inc. headed 'Interim Payment'.

Soooooooo! I reckon it's new Ferraris all round, a gold-plated scratching post for the eunuch, all the battery-powered latex devices I can imagine, and an oil tanker of VC for Miss Batty! Oh....and I have some interesting ideas for wallpaper!

And if anyone called Cheney calls...we're not in, right??

if anyone called Cheney calls we could have some serious extortion material if you suggest he stop by for payment.

Creative accounting? You didn't happen to work at a place called Enron or WorldCom, did you?

Enron? Worldcom? Errr..........

No, actually, it was the Emily Throgmorton School of Filthy Dancing (it was rather like dirty dancing, but sort of ....more). Miss Emily kept THREE sets of books, one for the tax man, one for herself, and one for Big Eric, her principal 'investor'. The books were so 'bent' they resembled a painting of a Mobius Strip by Escher........

I turned down the Enron gig, as it would have been far less complicated and, therefore, less fun. Miss Emily had a HUGE range of latex equipment!!!

By the way, has anyone seen the cat? I am starting to get worried, as the main drain seems to be clogged (coincidence, I hope)

INCOMING!!!!!
...*a large crate floats to the ground of the side yard where most of the nude dancing around the fire takes place...*

Go on then. Open it.

Oh...MY! I love pressies!

*levers top of crate off; dives headfirst into 3 cubic yards of polystyrene 'peanuts'*

Ooooooooooooooh! What's this? Pink? Squishy? "Takes THREE 'C' cell batteries"....ooooooo..........my kind of gift!!

Here! Somebody stop the eunuch, he always eats the polystyrene thingies....he thinks they are some type of party snack!!!!!

That's not the first time forgetting to pleuralize caught our beloved Pandora...

Oh NO! She's got pleurisy?? I certainly hope not....

Now that the eunuch has 'pigged-out' on the polystrene 'peanuts', I am going to have to sit up all night, again, with him......his stomach swells so much you would think he was pregnant!

I found these two packages in the bottom of the crate...."Mizz Electra's Super Lightweight Shackle and Chain Set" (I used to want to play with a chain set, when I was a youngster) and "Genuine African Rawhide Cattleman's Whip".....where do they go Miss Pandora? They came with a pretty card........

"Sticks and stones may break my bones
But whips and chains excite me!"