h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i'd be happy to screw in a lightbulb Pan, but i'm not sure we would both fit...

That was a GOOD one Linus
*begins working on a HUGE lightbulb...* I DO live very near where Thomas Edison was born...perhaps I could just invent a blub just for us...

This will probably get me into trouble, in more ways than one, but here goes...

What was the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

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Einstein's penis. OK, OK! It's just a F***ing JOKE!

It it?



*kicks Cloughie making his voice much higher than she remembers it to be...*

Ouch. It was worth it!

IT WAS?!?!?!

There is a fine line between pleasure and pain. I love to cross back and forth over it...

I know Cloughie...I know...

Do you now... ?

You got any jokes man? ...*slips Cloughie a fifty...*

Two little old ladies with very weak eyesight go shopping one day. After shopping for a while, they need to use the toilet. Mistakenly, they walk in the Gents instead of the Ladies. Inside, two men who are equally desperate to take a leak are standing at the urinals, about to begin. When the two ladies walk in, the men not knowing what else to do, put their backs against the wall and pretend they're part of the toilet fixtures.
The first lady, mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and pulls his penis a couple of times. The man looses control and lets go. She turns to her friend and says "Oooh you should try this one Gladys. It has lovely warm water!
To which Gladys replies "No dear, i think i'll stick with this one. It not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!"

OK, a ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender sez, "Sorry, Bub, we don't serve food here."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bar tender asks, "Why the long face?"

>> A young, tattooed man with long hair, baggy pants and several body
>> piercing
>> walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to
>> the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
>>
>> The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've
>> just got
>> a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
>> his
>> nympho daughter.
>>
>> You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits,
>> shirts,
>> and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job,
>> meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort
>> the
>> young lady on her overseas holidays.
>>
>> The salary package is $200,000 a year.".
>> The man said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshitting me!".
>>
>> The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!".

!!!
...*covers her tattoos...*

>
>This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
>pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
>an
>unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
>(100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house.
>He
>took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
>would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
>
>So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
>with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
>This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
>again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
>
>But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
>few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
>more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
>started shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and
>have a drink with me?
>
>
>
>
>
>A little voice came out of the box:
>"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f**king shoes." >>

a very sick one i heard the other day:

Little Boy: Mummy Mummy i got an 'A' in my spelling test
Mother: What do you care. You're dying of cancer.

okay, in an attempt to redeem myself, this one is actually very good

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!" "But....." says the driver. "Now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a
sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it any more! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down
at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside."All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

Okie-dokie Linus...you can tell the good one now.