h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

......I got nothin'...

It is with a sad heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a truly great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the tummy. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.


Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The California Raisins, The Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled with flours, as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. She described Doughboy as a man who never knew he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart cookie," wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for twenty minutes.

See what can happen if you're not a Tart?!?

I reckon you've come to the conclusion that I have no shame when it comes to puns and bad jokes.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed
him
> > > >out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the
> > > >Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The
> > > >Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you
> > > >embezzled from me?"
> > > >The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10
> > > >million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back, "I don't know
what
> > > >you are talking about."
> > > >The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you're
> > > >talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol,
puts
> > > >it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The
> > > >attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't
> > > >tell him!" The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
> > > >brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard
> in
> > > >Queens!"
> > > >The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
> > > >The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
> > > >trigger."
> > >

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up,
sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close
my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

...*stiffles a giggle...refusing to egg him on...*

Temporarily at large...looking for chicken jokes.

You crack me up.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning
and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in
particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT age old question..."

> A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in
> Arkansas to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks
> him if the rumors about his pig are true. "Yep," says the farmer. "I
> got a pig that started squealing real loud when the house was on fire.
> He woke us all up and so we all got to safety. Otherwise we might have
> been killed. That's some pig." "And didn't the pig save your boy from
> drowning?" asked the reporter. "Yep, he raced right into the pond and
> pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life," the
> farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye. "Wow, I'd like to see this
> pig," the reporter says. "Well, come on over here." The farmer leads
> the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a
> pig with a wooden leg. "Why does he have a wooden leg?" The farmer
> replies, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

&

Did you hear about the wolf that was going around screwing all the farm animals until they were dead?
Ranchers from one end of New Mexico to the other tried and tried to catch the wolf...but each day was the same...dead cattle, chicken, pigs, etc...so, the ranchers assoc. gathered and pooled their money to hire a big game hunter.
The hunter arrived...listened to the ranchers stories...and excepted the job.
That night the hunter began to follow the trail of dead animals...
as dawn approached he came upon the wolf lying in the middle of the road just outside a ranch where an entire herd of cattle had been screwed to death.
The hunter kneeled down next to the wolf and said, "Welp, ya' finally done it, huh? Screwed yourself to death?!"
...The wolf opened on eye and pointed upward saying, "sshhhh, buzzards."

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of
his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

!!!

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
> Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
> from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
> One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
> Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
> years?"
> The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a
good,
> wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three
wishes.
> Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
> Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and
almost
> under her breath she uttered her first wish:
> "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
> Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
> Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and
> scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
> Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
> The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your
heart
> wish for your second wish?"
> Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
and
> full of the beauty of youth again."
> At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage
> returned.
> Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and
> long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
> Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will
you
> have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and
said,
> "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome
> young man."
> Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological
> make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the
> like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds
> begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
> The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your
> new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was
> gone.
> For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes.
> Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
> had ever seen.
> Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
> chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
> He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his
> warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?

An update on the old Abbott and Costello 'who'se on first'

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Linus...we've known eachother for a couple years now...I think it's time I gave you my/Pandora's Fan Mail addy:
[email protected]
Cuz stagehand423 sent that joke to me the other day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~