h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...*rolls her lips shut trying not to encourage stagehand423 by giggeling...it's no use...* !!!

Do you know how many psychologists it takes to change a
<?> Just one, but the lightbulb must really WANT to change.

How many men does it take to change a kitchen lightbulb?

None, let her cook in the dark

>A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait
>for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the
>bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say,
>"That's beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
>
>Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone
>nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more
>peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are
>stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
>
>He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances
>nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously
>under
>the stool.
>
>A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time
>the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani?
>Very nice!"
>
>He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing
>these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -
>what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
>
>"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
>
>"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
>
>"Yes," replies the waiter, "...they're complimentary."

I always dreamt that when i got older i would have a yacht and a mistress, butg all i've got is a rowboat and 2 oars

...*hand on iips...*Ye best not be talkin' 'bout me there luv. I'll put a sign on yer eye that'll say: closed.
'Course if I was cookin' in the dark an' all...maybe someone would eat it or sumthin'.
Oars, indeed...

i may have missed a ' somewhere

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told
the priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have
4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed
and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied
and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you
were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession,
I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

Nice one Centurian

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and
asked him to give her daughter an examination
to determine the cause of her swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
"Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued
with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl
and would never compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying
attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened,
a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came.
And I was hoping that they would show up again."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona, when he notices that his oil pressure is abnormally low. He get out and notes that oil is dripping from his transmission.

He drives slowly to the next town and stops at the first service station.

While his car is being repaired the penguin decides to walk around town. It is sweltering, particularly for a penguin, and when he sees an ice cream shop, he decides to stop and have some cold fare. He orders an extra large dish of vanilla ice cream and being a penguin without hands he makes a mess of getting the ice cream down using his little flippers.

He walks back to the station to check on his car's problem.
The mechanic says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh, no," says the penguin, "it's only ice cream."

> A pregnant woman with triplets was walking down the street, when a masked
>robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily
> the babies are okay!
>
> The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to
>operate...
> The woman had two healthy girls and a healthy son. All went fine for 16
>years,
> until one day, one of the daughters busted in her room in tears.
>
>" What's wrong?", asks the mother.
>
>" I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out.", replied the daughter.
>
> The mother tells her that its okay, and explain to her what happened
>sixteen years
>ago. A week later, the second daughter runs into her room in tears. "Mom, I
>was
> taking a pee, and this bullet came out. " Again the mother tells her
>daughter not to worry and explains what happened sixteen years ago.
>
> A week later, her son came into her room in tears. "Its okay!", says the
>mom.
>"I know what happened,...you were taking a pee, and a bullet came out.
>
> "No.", says the boy. "I was playing with myself, and I shot a hole through the door."''

You guys are crakin' me up!!!

For all the colleagues across the pond (And remember, I come from Irish ancestry)

> > >Irish Life
> > > > > >
> > > > > >An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into
> > > > > >a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as
> > > > > >the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
> > > > > >down and one lands in each of the pints.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint
> > > > > >away and demands another pint.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and
> > > > > >takes a long swallow.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the
> > > > > >fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
> > > > > >"Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
> > > > > >*****************************************************************
> > > > > >An Irish Fight:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
> > > > > >he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,
> > > > > >his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
> > > > > >walking with a limp.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
> > > > > >do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
> > > > > >and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
> > > > > >Didn't you have something in your hand?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
> > > > > >thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
> > > > > >*****************************************************************
> > > > > >Irish Cemetery:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling
> > > > > >home from the pub late one night and found themselves on
> > > > > >the road which led past the old graveyard.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
> > > > > >grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool,
> > > > > >it says here that he was 95 when he died."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
> > > be
> > > > 145!"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
> > > > > >what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
> > > > > >"Miles, from Dublin."
> > > > > >***************************************************************
> > > > > >Irish Miracle:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
> > > > > >home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
> > > > > >weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
> > > > > >few to drink this evening."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
> > > > > >folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections
> > > > > >back, your wife fell out of your car?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
> > > > > >there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
> > > > > >**************************************************************
> > > > > >Irish Accident:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
> > > > > >when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
> > > > > >But where's my husband?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There
> > > > > >was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead
> > > > > >and gone. I'm sorry."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
> > > > > >Guinness Stout and drowned."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
> > > > > >Did he at least go quickly?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three
> > > > > >times to pee."
> > > > > >***************************************************************
> > > > > >Irish Predicament:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers
> > > > > >into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down
> > > > > >but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
> > > > > >attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
> > > > > >three times on the wall.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
> > > > > >no paper on this side either.
> > > > > >***************************************************************
> > > > > >Irish Last Request:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his
> > > > > >Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
> > > > > >husband passed away last night."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
> > > > > >did he have any last requests?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She says, "That he did, Father..."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

> > >Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years

> > >they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,

> > >their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to

> > >play cards.

> > >

> > >One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and

> > >said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a

> > >long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and

> > >thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

> > >

> > >Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared

> > >and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

> > >

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >

> > >Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel

> > >noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did

> > >you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

> > >

> > >Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and

> > >stared at it.

> > >

> > >Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I

> > >know where my hearing aid is."

> > >

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >

> > >An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They

> > >were standing on the stern of the boat watching the moon, when a

> > >wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for

> > >days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to

> > >shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they

> > >found something.

> > >

> > >Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

> > >It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the

> > >bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to

> > >her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...

> > >please advise"

> > >

> > >The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

> > >

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >

> > >When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park

> > >bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

> > >She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me

> > >every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh

> > >fruit and freshly ground coffee."

> > >

> > >I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

> > >

> > >She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite

> > >brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

> > >

> > >I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

> > >

> > >She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my

> > >favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

> > >

> > >I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

> > >

> > >She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

> > >

> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > >

> > >Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night

> > >the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She

> > >yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

> > >

> > >The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

> > >She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or

> > >down?"

> > >

> > >The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and

> > >listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope

> > >I never get that forgetful."

> > >

> > >She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up

> > >and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

!!!

* A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.


* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

You're really out standing in your field...

I've told this before but it bares repeating...
...In Your Best Upper Crust English Accent:

Liam:'Mummy?"
Mum:"Yes Sweetheart?"
Liam:"Mummy, is God black? Or is God white?
Mum:"Well, Darling, you see, God is both. Black and white."
Liam:"Oh, I see."
Liam:"Mummy?"
Mum:"Yes Liam, what is it now?"
Liam:"Mummy? Is God a man? Or is God a woman?"
Mum:"Well, you see Dear, God is both. God is a man and a woman."
Liam:"Ohhhh."
Liam:"Mummy?"
Mum:"Yes Liam, what is it now?!"
Liam:"Mummy? Is Micheal Jackson God then?"

Only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman.

..."I was born a poor black child..."
~Steve Martin