h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Many apologies to anyone who was offended by my earlier post.





Bassman

...to err is human...to tell jokes like that is warped...
Poor Bassers....live and learn....
Good of you to say sorry!

I always thought....

To err is human, but to really screw things up - you need a computer!!



Bassman

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimers research.



This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



Now that's something to think about!!!

I was wondering, are there were any depths that we wouldn't go to in order to get a laugh? It was only a few days after Princess Dianna died that I started hearing jokes about it, the same with September 11th and various other tragedies.

Are there any subjects that are just so sacred that we wouldn't joke about them?



Bassman

...*looks down her shirt...checks her backside in the mirror...*
I'm good to go! Goof on me all ya' want.

Sorry Babe, I'm not familiar with that phrase.... it could mean a lot of things

Nice to see you at this early hour (late hour depending on the geography)

Did you get my post about the Superbowl score - are we rich?





Bassman

> Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a
> vacation.
> Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
> The
> other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?" The first
> flea says,
> "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a
> Harley."
>
> The other flea responds saying, " That's the worst way to travel. Try
> what
> I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
> you are
> there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
> its warm and cozy. You know where I mean. It's the best way to travel
> that I can think of."
>
> The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next
> summer.
>
> A year goes by.....When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering
> and shaking again.
>
> The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the
> first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport
> bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I
> crawled right up to her nice warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that
> I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a
> Harley!

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, there's

- a Kiwi
- an Aussie
- a young blonde lady
- a little old lady.

The train went into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's
the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
the Kiwi has a big red hand print on his cheek. No one
speaks.

The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde
in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in
the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his
cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: That Aussie must have groped the
blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Aussie thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can
smack that KIWI again.

Two ignoramuses stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched.

One has some budgies (small Australian parrots) lined up on each arm.
The other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to
the ground.

Lieing next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one
ignoramus says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie
jumping."

The other ignoramus replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this
paragliding either."

Bassman

> > > A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
> > > drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
> The
> > > monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
> sliced
> > > limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the
> > > billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
> > > somehow swallows it whole.
> > >
> > > The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
> did?"
> > >
> > > The guy says "No, what?"
> > >
> > > He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
> > >
> > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
> in
> > > sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff."
> > > He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate,
> > > then leaves.
> > >
> > > Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
> > > orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While
> > > the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on
> > > the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
> > > Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls
it
> > > out, and eats it.
> > >
> > > The bartender is disgusted.
> > >
> > > "Did you see what your monkey did now? He asks.
> > >
> > > "No, what?"replies the guy.
> > >
> > > "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it
> > > out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
> > >
> > > Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
> > > everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball,
he
> > > measures everything first."

!!!!

Two blondes are walking on opposite sides of a river.

The first blonde yells out to the second one " How do i get to the other side of the river?"

The second blonde replies "You're already there"

Had a dodgy burger the other day, I know how the monkey feels.... I haven't resorted to his solution to the situation though



Bassman

...now, will someone explain the blonde joke?

I hope you're kidding. If not, Iill fetch you some bleach



Bassman

!!!! Bleach......that's funny. Right?