h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

World domination is why we are here, and the time to strike is now.

I have paid close attention to the musings of the so-called "heroes" and through careful analysis have discovered their weaknesses. Being evil, we will use these weaknesses to our advantage.

First let me reveal the details of the evil plot to dominate the world to you in a completely unnecessary way, the use of which is only to underline the supreme confidence I have in the aforementioned evil scheme and all the members of Evil Inc.

Lesser evil agents, who take no part in our discussions as they are but minions, have located 17 previously unidentified inactive volcanoes equidistant around the globe. Into these volcanoes we have inserted explosive devices ... I like to call these explosive devices "bombs".

When these "bombs" explode, the crust of the earth will be loosened and the core of the earth will rattle around like the egg part of a Scotch egg. If not secured within 57.5 hours, the core will become unstable, transferring all of its excess energy into the crust. All landmasses will turn into superheated magma and all oceans and seas will boil and evaporate in seconds.

Of course, we at Evil Inc. have the technology to secure the core. This information will be made available to all the world "leaders" 5 minutes after the primary explosions. When I say available, I mean available at a price. One hundred billion dollars!

Bwaaaaaa-haaaa-haaa-haaaaa!

*ahem* Excuse me.

We obviously want to cause as much panic as possible, so we have programmed the "bombs" to explode on August the 11th during the solar eclipse. Everything is ready. There can be no stopping us. As long as those meddling "heroes" don't discover the lead "bomb", all will be as planned.

Has everybody got that? Good.

Now, here is how we are to deal with the "heroes". Discordia Man, your target is TRED. The previous tactics of trying to convert him to Evil, and of ignoring him have failed. We can neutralise him thusly: Engage TRED in conversation ... be warned, this is highly dangerous. While TRED is waffling on, you are to substitute his lighter fuel with some of your Lemon Discordial. His precious Zippo will then fail to light and TRED will disappear into a melodramatic soap-opera-type monologue regarding the loss of his Zippo and of Sam the Towel. Recommend that you take some kind of ear protection.

Fate, the "heroes" have been fooled by your spurious statement that you are on holiday and are completely vulnerable to attack from you. It is your job to disable the Duke. Now that TRED has predicted our disabling-the-Duke-by-fish plan, we will have to try another tack. We know that the Duke's powers lie in his hirsuteness, therefore we, like Delilah, must see him shorn of his hair ... all of it. I'll leave the details to you, but suggest that the wax from the captured candle of Grey may prove most useful. Remember Duke-y is unaware that you are not really on evil-vacation.

Next to be evened with the earth is Leeloo. And the most suitable evil super villain to carry out such evening would be rusty armored-dillo (don't call him 'dillo!) Take this life-size cardboard cutout of Bruce (Bruce would come with you, but he is afraid that he might drown in Leeloo's drool) and place it in front of Leeloo. While she stands and slobbers transfixed, you can curl yourself into a rusty armored ball and roll over her until she is completely flattened ... thus she will be even with the earth.

Loz, Olaf is to be the victim of your nimble-wittedness. Due to your diminutive size and natural camouflage, only you are able to accomplish this mission. You are to hide yourself away in Olaf voluminous fur clothing and whisper, Iago-like, into his ear. Use his reticence and hesitancy against him. Every time he looks like he is about to come to a decision, present him with numerous options, thus rendering him a gibbering wreck as he tries to decide a course of action. If this fails to have the desired effect, then it is suggested that the word "kebab" be whispered into his ear. This should divert him from trying to thwart evil to trying to consume enough kebabs to keep East London happy for a year. Jest make sure that he doesn't confuse you with a jalepena pepper!

Scumpit, you are to envelop Petal with your noxious … “pit of scum”? I will leave the evil details to you.

As for any unmentioned “heroes”, please, any suggestions will be welcome.

If there are any new villains out there … please make yourselves known. Maniacal laughter is not mandatory, but it is good fun!

I will deal with Vesty. Now that Loz has nibbled away at the elastic of his underwear, the eggwhisk will be sufficient to ...

Bwaaaaa-haaaa-haaaaaa.
Bwaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaa.
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaa!
(Join in everybody)
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

I have but one question... who is Petal? Is this hero, somehow named after the most useless part of a plant, a new addition to the ranks of good?
**Ponder, ponder**
Have you made a miniature clone of yourself yet?

Oh yes, one more thing.


YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ha.

Sounds good. Gwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yah yah yah! Bffffffffffffffft!

I'll work on it then.
By the way, I got the idea from Doctor Evil in the second 'Austin Powers' film.

ok then EG(may Icall you that?!) Ive started at McDonalds where Olaf has his 5 daily big macs,evry time the waitress asks 'is that all sir' I give him all the options, he's ordered the whole restaraunt 3 times now, soon he will not the money for a 'hot motor' in the good v evil race.
BWOARRHH HAA HAAA HAA HYACK HYACK HYACK TEE HEEHEEEHEEEE

I have just stolen TRED's zippo, and THERE! I just now drained the fluid and replaced it with Lemon Dischordial, and THERE! It's on his nightstand again. My job is done here.

The "heroes" will be beaten.

Bwaaaaaa-haaaaa-haaaaaaaa!

I know about the Alan Parsons Project, but what is the name of this "bomb" plot? Just curious....

"The Prodigy." Or maybe "FatBoy Slim." Or maybe even.... *Dum-Dum-DUM!* "Harvey Danger"! Oh! I just got another one: "The Lo-Fidelity AllStars"! How're those, Boss?

Actually, instead of 100,000,000,000, shouldn't we ask for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS? (Puts his pinky up to his mouth)

Gasp! Olaf has infiltrated our forum. Let's place him in a cell, defended by one inept guard.

I volunteer to be that guard!

No, we should use one of the henchmen with numbers on their shirts, like in the first BatMan movie, way back in the forties.

Yes, good idea. You in the vest with the number encrusted onto it ... take this fur-wearing, be-horned barbarian and place him in the cage of the randy, sex-starved baboons.

Bwaaaaaa-haaaaa-haaaaaaa!

*noise of VB walking Olaf past babboon cage and then home*
And if you think of hatching any more plots I'll stamp on your eggs.

I laugh in the face of randy, sex-starved baboons; but not necessarily in the bottoms of them. Ulp! Thank God the potion we concocted a couple of sessions ago is beginning to work....I am turning into, oh my golly gosh...Olaf the Invisibly Hesitant!

Bye, bye, Evil doers. Bye, bye!!!!

Wait, didn't he escape?!?

No, Disco, we let him get away. There is a subtle yet palpable difference. Worry not, our nefarious plot is going exactly to plan. Fate has reported back ... let's just say that the "Dook" is no longer a threat. Watch him wave his fist at us in impotent rage. You see, Disco, Evil is subtle. Now, go and wage evil-yet-subtle warfare on Olaf. You've earned it. =B>

Bwaaaaaaaa-haaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Yes, sir, EG! I just arranged all the furniture in Olaf's house fifteen feet to the left of where it was. Is that subtlely evil enough boss?

Olaf, that potion's great stuff. You've totally disappeared. Where's a length of bandage when you need it? Look give me a clue - speak for goodness sake!

No! Don't do that! It tickles, STOBBIT!

*Thinks of varous invisible man jokes including:
"Who's that at the door?"
"The invisisble man"
"Tell him I can't see him"

or when someone sees an obviously empty seat at the theatre/cinema/restaurant and says "Is there anyone there?" You say "Ohmigod! They've taken the bandages off!"*

Olaf, speak to me man!