Journal Entries
"Take you dishwashing job and shove it up your filthy stinking ----, and while your at it you pile of rotten --- ---, go --- my ----ing ---- until your ---- ---- bleeds so bad you need a transfusion."
Posted Jun 22, 2000
I will be far more kind when I call the Deli and tell them that Sunday is my last day, but that's what I will be thinking.
Panera hired me. My "all-American boy" facade seems to impress prospective employers. If only they knew my dark secret. I don't know how a "all-American girl" reality will work for a transsexual, but I guess I will find out when I get there.
Back to my research. Later. ^_^
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Latest reply: Jun 22, 2000
Nearing the end of the dishwashing job?
Posted Jun 21, 2000
Possibly. Yesterday I recieved a call from Panera Bread. They want to set up an interview with me. I am so eager to leave my dishwashing job that I'll take anything short of another dishwashing job.
My mom let me know that my uncle wants to talk to me about my transsexuality. I certainly encourage that, but I have no idea what to expect. I assume that he is going to email me which is probably good. It is hard to tell a man that you want to be a woman to his face. Here's to hoping this gets easier with time and practice.
Well I have some fiber optics that are just begging me to test them. Time to fire up the lamp and get to work.
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Latest reply: Jun 21, 2000
back in the high life... again?
Posted Jun 20, 2000
A couple of weeks ago I was extolling the benefit of Huey Lewis in everyone's daily life. Today it is Steve Winwood. Run, do not dare to walk, to your nearest record shoppe to snap up all of those 80's classics.
Well the weekend was nice and relaxing. My mom is looking wonderful, and she is so active. She can walk to the store and back just 2 weeks after open heart surgery. She is feeling much better than she did just before the sugery, and probably much farther back than that.
Neither my uncle, aunt, or cousins said anything to me when I saw them at my family's gigantic father's day/birthday extravaganza. It's just as well. Knowing that they probably got their information from this very page, I'll bother to say that I didn't expect them to, and that there were still people who didn't know yet there.
As far as an update on my whole boy to girl journey, not much is going on. I've been working 50 hours a week, and am trying to get enough money to eat. Therapy is on the back burner, and so is buying the necessary supplies to go out as Sarah for the first time. I guess I'm getting a little more comfortable thinking of myself as a girl, so I'm making progress. It still is taking longer than I had hoped.
The word from the writing front is that CutClass.com is not willing to pay me much for my work, which is disappointing. But I plan to write a little for them anyway, as long as they let me retain full ownership of what I write. That would make sure that i don't lose anything by writing for them.
Well that is all I have to say for today.
Have fun.
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Latest reply: Jun 20, 2000
All hail the weekend
Posted Jun 15, 2000
Tomorrow I go back home (my mom's house) for some R&R, and to see my mom for the first time since open heart surgery.
In the pessimism that comes with a long bout with depression, I was sure she was going to die. It was all too perfect. Just as I started to accept myself and start building my psyche for all the radical steps that I have longed for, this was going to send me hurtling back to the beginning. Just like something always does.
... but it didn't. I'm fine. She's fine. There is no damage to her heart muscle, and everything is reaching normalcy. Just like the odds said.
I get very self-centric sometimes. I play the victim well, and a part of me enjoys every minute of it. I fight very very hard against it, but it seized control again in it's own little coup d'etat against the struggling third world country that is my sanity and reason. I started worring about myself and not my mom too often, but fortunately not all the time.
This year has been tough for me. I've had to prove to myself that I can function under this specter of transsexuality. I lost the friend that encouraged me to be more feminine when I told her I wanted to be a girl. But I'm standing my ground now. As hard as it is sometimes.
Well gotta go, probably more rambling later.
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Latest reply: Jun 15, 2000
Why do I keep sliding?
Posted Jun 7, 2000
I promised myself that I would never ask my great-grandfather for money unles it was a matter of eating or not, and yesterday I finally broke down and asked him. Working two jobs would just manage to pay the rent. I still have the phone bill for the last two months and groceries to worry about. It was so hard to do, and I feel bad about myself for asking.
This morning I tried to get my ISP to refrain from billing my account, but AT&T @ home is hell bent on charging my check card even though they haven't yet, and even though I wanted to stop my service.
My mom is doing poorly after quadruple bypass surgery last Wednesday. It seems that they can get her blood sugar down, and it is so bad that she says she is having trouble seeing. She is seeing a doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he will help.
Add in the nagging need to be a woman, and the fact that I have no one to talk to because my roommate is out of town, and I am having a horrible Wednesday.
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Latest reply: Jun 7, 2000
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