h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tomorrow I go back home (my mom's house) for some R&R, and to see my mom for the first time since open heart surgery.

In the pessimism that comes with a long bout with depression, I was sure she was going to die. It was all too perfect. Just as I started to accept myself and start building my psyche for all the radical steps that I have longed for, this was going to send me hurtling back to the beginning. Just like something always does.

... but it didn't. I'm fine. She's fine. There is no damage to her heart muscle, and everything is reaching normalcy. Just like the odds said.

I get very self-centric sometimes. I play the victim well, and a part of me enjoys every minute of it. I fight very very hard against it, but it seized control again in it's own little coup d'etat against the struggling third world country that is my sanity and reason. I started worring about myself and not my mom too often, but fortunately not all the time.

This year has been tough for me. I've had to prove to myself that I can function under this specter of transsexuality. I lost the friend that encouraged me to be more feminine when I told her I wanted to be a girl. But I'm standing my ground now. As hard as it is sometimes.

Well gotta go, probably more rambling later.