h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Damn it, I forgot all of the sexy songs.
no....wait...
"ROOXAANNNE, you don't have to put that red dress on tonight"

That song isn't about sex, but if sang in the right way, it can surely put you in the right mood

...Alex and Thimb lie spent, their waxed torsos glisten with sweat, the muscles swollen through exertion. Today has been a long day, thinks Alex, but there are still more than two hours left and the queue of near-hysterical impassioned mud-cr***et loving women - maybe fifty or more - outside the dressing-room seems to be growing. What to do?

'Thumb, mate. The window. Let's leg it. The pubs close in an hour and if I see another beautiful naked female I think I'll be ill.'

'Good call, dude.' Thumb makes for the window which lies half-open.

'Uh-oh. Our clothes. They've gone.'

'Oh b*gger,' ejaculates Thumb, 'Look, they've left our thongs. We can wear those.'

'Good call.'

Partly dressed, they squeeze their rippling but weary muscles through the narrow exit and hastily make their way towards a well-lit building across the street. Darting furtive glances over their shoulders, they enter. It is the pub and it seems to be busy; the sounds of busy conversation and happy laughter drift across towards them.

Suddenly, a piercing scream cuts into the air...

Yeah - you're right Thunbs... let's bring in The Police!

The Police? Yes, bring them on, bring them on. Oh, I feel a Gordon Sumner number coming on:

You could say I lost my faith in science and progress.
You could say I lost my belief in the holy church.
You could say I lost my sense of direction.
You could say all of this and worse, but
If I ever lose my faith in you,
There'd be nothing left for me to do

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world.
You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV.
You could say I'd lost my belief in our politicians
They all seemed like game show hosts to me.
If I ever lose my faith in you,
There'd be nothing left for me to do.
I could be lost inside their lies without a trace
But every time I close my eyes I see your face

I never saw no miracle of science
That didn't go from a blessing to a curse.
I never saw no military solution
That didn't always end up as something worse, but
Let me say this first,
If I ever lose my faith in you,
There'd be nothing left for me to do

Alex...do y0u type these lyrics with one eye on the lyrcis printed inside the CD cover?

Lovely, Alex..



... the screaming went on for a while longer, then a bedraggled figure staggered out from the Pub, swaying from side to side. It is another male fugitive from NOD - in fact it is essexstud, who foolishly promised to "take care of" the surplus MCW groupies. Sadly, he had never played the game in his life and was therefore quite unable to meet any of their needs.

Leggy stood disconsolately next to the empty MCW ring. Next time, she thought, Next time I'll find a more suitable date for the Event.

Just then the doors flew open, and....

FnF falls to the floor in a state of high exhaustion...it has been National Orgasm Day after all, and she has been doing her best to do justice to the day

Leggy tries to revive FnF with a . After having come so far - so to speak - she surely wouldn't want to miss out on the last hour or so of Fun.

-Alex, old pal, how are we going to last these last hours of this HORRIBLY-FUN-TO THHE POINT OF DYING day?

-Lets not think about the future, my friend, until them savages find us we can get drunk to the point of unconcience...

*Thumbs and ALex start pouring and drinking, pouring and drinking....WILL THEY MAKE IT???

Name change time again Well, what do you think ?

...in walks the match referee. He seems bemused as he walks towards Leggy, who is growing apprehensive.

'Och, aye the noo, where have the players gone? The match was just getting going...'

'I don't know,' stammers Leggy. 'I think they were seduced by a group of adoring fans and then...then...they ran off leaving me to clear up the mess.'

'It was as I thought...,' he whsipers, 'ms.legbeaker...i had my suspicons that prevision was in the air and reugalr pusters will be dissappointed that i was right all along!' He pulls off his mask to reveal a bowler hat and organge sash.

'and you thouhgt i was locked in the gardne shed in the old in the old 'is tits' house! those squatters in the old house let me out and i am back! ms/mr legbreaster, off to the house of moral correction with you, pervert! hahahahahaha! hohohoho!'

He tears off his referee's uniform to reveal an orange cassock and Leggy, with growing alarm, looks for a means of escape...

Is this better?

"Time gentlemen please..." the bell rings loudly... but Alex & Thumbs are past hearing it, slumped against the bar, their bodies exhausted beyond endurance, they are fast asleep, dreaming of a better world where women cook the dinner and clean up and don't make so many Unreasonable Demands...

MaryM sips a Vrigin Mary in the corner, looking as though butter wouldn''t melt, while Leggy counts the takings from the MCW event. Mmm - 371/2 p! Much better than last time..

... Leggy looks around as the old madman with the strange gleam in his eye gets closer. Seeing a MCW ball lying discarded by her feet, she quickly picks it up. "I've done it before - I can do it again" she mutters, backing away as fast as possible... she rubs the ball on the back of her skirt and.... YES! The old wierdo falls to the ground with a Broken Leg!

He's not as weird as the troll...come to think of it, maybe he's on his hols because I haven't seen him on the board for ages, or maybe I have just gone blind because of NOd!

...Alex landed on the pavement with a bump. He must have fallen asleep and been thrown out of the pub. His watch said 11.17; the night was young. And he had work to do.

Spotting a cab, he hailed it.

'The 'Is this' house please, friendly London cabbie.'

Alex needed answers.

Where was that recipe for marsh potatoes?

Was BO Petunias still there?

Turnips or swedes?

What had happened to the pedalo and his favourite cr***et bat?

It was time to find out...

Don't do it Alex...don't do it !!!!!!!

...'hlep, ive brooken my leg!' He cried.

Leggy, with growing confidence, stands over the prostrate figure.

'Oh yes? Well, you broke my heart, you bar steward. I wanted Ray to win BB4 and you came along and STOLE it! Take that!'

She brought her four-inch stiletto heel hard on his...

in some amazingly clear glimpse of thought, Thumbs realizes what could be the coincidence of Alex going back to "Is This". He gets up and runs as fast as a man who just made love to hundreds of women and than drank shots non stop for an hour can run.

-DON"T DO IT ALEX!!! i'VE BEEN THERE AND THERE IS NOTHING BUT CURSING AND FIGHTING. It is for the better if we'll just let it be in the past. We'll rebuilt and we'll grow back here, in the house of the future!!!

...Orange sash, ripping it to shreds. "Arggh dotn do that to me you losse woman you I'll get my logde onto you.." Leggy calmly stuffed the c****et ball into his mouth and walked away.

Meanwhile, inthe Taxi, the driver was leering at Alex, who suddenly realised he was still only wearing a Thong...