h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK. You & Thumbs go first. I'll score

So, here we are at the starting-gate for the world-premier of Mud-C****et-Wrestling. Alex is first under the ropes, wearing a very fetching red-diamante bikini. Thumbs enters behind him, oh - a very daring leopard-print strapless number.

Thumbs wins the Toss and elects to Roll first. And they're of.....

We can re-create the Bates/Reed scene from 'Women in Love' and you can film us on your camcorder, if you like. You can sell the film to art-house cinemas aroound the world and make a mint...

FaF will like that, I imagine.

No! Mud-C****et-Wrestling is FAR more exciting! I think it's already my favourite sport

Okay, Leggy, but can you draw up some rules for us?

The Basic Rules of Mud-C****et-Wrestling

1. MCW is a sport of skill and grace for 2, 4 or 6 players in equal teams.

2. The wining team is the team which scores the most points having at least 1 surviving member

3. Technical Points are scored by EITHER moving the ball(s) from one corner of the ring to the other OR by immobilising the opponent (using an Approved Manouvere) so s/he relinqushes control of the ball(s). Artistic points are awarded by the Judge for precision, grace and sartorial elegance.

4. At least 3 limbs will be in the Mud at ALL TIMES.

5. Leggy's decsion is Final

Couldn't be easier! Off you go

...Alex, failing to realise the game has started, is pinned to the ground thanks to Thumb's Double-Swichblade-Johnston manoeuvre; and, realising that he is under pressure early doors, Alex tries to counter with elbow chop to the 'nads, but he misses and accidentally hits Leggy in the stomach.

Thumb, however, is momentarily distracted by Leggy as she lies doubled up in pain on the canvas and Alex spots his chance. Grabbing his 4lb cr***et bat, he bashes an unsuspecting Thumb on the bottom, sending him flying into FaF, who is filming the event.

A melee of bruised and tangled limbs, the match has started to resemble a bloody battle-field, and IVAR, sensing his opportunity...

I don't like this new game. It's dirty, sweaty and degrading to men making them wear bikini's. Can we not chat about National Foreplay Day and National Orgasm Day instead

Oh - I was enjoying that! I have already given Alex 5 Artistic points - so he'd be well in the lead if Thumbs hadn't scored 20 Technical points.... but the match is barely started...

I wouldn't want to film it...not into that sort of stuff...who would want to watch it anyway...I mean Alex is past his prime now anyway

As FnF runs away to make sure Mr FnF still has his nose in "Super-Advanced Foreplay Tecniques Vol XIX", Leggy blows her whistle for the start of the 2nd chukka and retreats to a place of safety conveniently next to the Bar.

Thumbs makes a great start by snatching Alex's bat from right under his... nose. Alex fights back with a demi-pirouette ending in a half-nelson as Thumbs relaxes his guard for a moment... it's still anybody's game...

Alex, sensing Thumb's vulnerability in and around his off-stump, throws himself into a Goosecog loop and catches him full square in the head. Thumb, who has no helmet, falls to the floor as if pole-axed by a FaF bouncer.

Alex, whose understanding of the rules is - at best - sketchy, appeals to the referee but Leggy, who is busy chatting up Essexstud at the bar, is not paying attention.

Thumb, battered, senses Alex's distraction and...

... instantly whips his bails off.

Leggy throws a pint of beer over essexstud and returns her attention to the match. She gives Thumbs a warning for breaking the Rules and hands Alex a warm sponge....

I think old essexstud might be a little sweetie really

FnF snatches the sponge and uses it to wipe the beer from essexstud's "wideboy-stylee" suit.. Leggy calls half-time and Thumbs & Alex retire to the dressing room for a quick rub-down and change of bikinis...

Who put that sponge there????????

...from their ever-growing horde of groupies...

... who are all desparate to buy the mud-splattered rags which the Stars of MCW are quickly discarding...

Thumb sitting in the locker room, between getting the mud from all of the holes and trying to get rid of some of the femals fans, trys to think of a new strategy. Also, there came a tough choice for a new bikiny.... String type with no top or a full piece suit with pink piggies on it. Well...noone said that its gona be easy

it is a well-known Fact that MCW is the most arduous of sports. However, a 12-hour half-time seems a little excessive even to the lax refereeing standards Leggy is enforcing. She tiptoes to the locker-room and peeps round the door.

What a sight meets her eyes! Alex and Thunbs are completely surrounded by Groupies who all appear to be a state of mild distress. Looking more closely, she realises that in fact they are ..., well, modesty forbids.

"Damn!" she exclaims. "I should have known better than to stage this event on National Foreplay Day! And only another hour before the situation develops to its inevitable climax!"

What can be done to bring the Sportsmen to their senses? Leggy eyes the fire alarm and extinguisher propped carelessly against the wall, and makes her move......