h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ooooh dear - I do feel giddddddddddy....

2 men in White Coats march smartly in and remove Leggy.

"We are taking Ms Breaker to a place of rest and recuperation for a week or so. This is for her own good and also the mental health of others. She will be well looked after and almost certainly get enough to eat. She will be kept - as far as this is possiible - with others of the same kind. You may also like to take this opportunity to Reflect on the Errors of your own ways.. Any Questions? No. Good.

Carry On."


Leggy is bundled unceremoniously into an old Landrover and driven away in a cloud of diesel fumes.......

Don't forget your tent and pony-tailed companion...

hey, why are you taking leggy?

I was having such a nice conversation with her

Hello anyone.

Leggy tiptoes back into the House. It is all dusty, musty and fusty. Quickly she opens the windows and empties the collection of sour-milk bottles down the sink. There are 2 dead mice but apart from that the cats have been well-behaved. She folds away the tent and puts it in the cupboard, being careful not to leave any feet hanging out of the end.

Honestly, she thinks, you'd think some-one could have popped in and used the place a bit while I was away..........

THANK YOU FOR POSTING ON THE 'THIS IS...' THREAD. THERE IS NO ONE HERE TO RESPOND TO YOUR MESSAGE AT THE MOMENT, BUT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE US A MESSAGE PLEASE LEAVE YOUR NAME, TELEPHONE NUMBER AND QUOTE YOUR BRA SIZE SO WE KNOW WHETHER IT IS WORTH CALLING YOU WHEN WE GET BACK FROM OUR TWO-WEEK PARTY IN IBIZA AT THE END OF AUGUST.

IF YOU ARE A BLOKE, DON'T BOTHER.

THANK YOU FOR USING 'THIS IS...', THE BRAND-LEADER IN MESSAGE BOARD WIT AND JOLLITY.

Two weeks in Ibiza? How last century

Here's the info you wanted, anyway:

Legbreaker

999

"your bra size"

How do you know my bra size?

We came back early from Ibiza because, well, it's soooo last century...and the f***ball season has started.

F***ball has a Season? It's always on isn't it? Or does it just seem that way?

Yes, it is like a spot: difficult to get rid of and impossible to ignore...and irritating.

Yes. So let's ignore it. It might go away

What might go away?

Golly, you're right. It - whatever it was - has gone. We can concentrate on cr***et instead.

Hasn't c****et gone away as well? All I can see is !

It's still here, Leggy. Cr***et staggers on until September - and then the indoor season starts.

Do you support a f***ball team? If not, would you like to adopt one?

Alex - I know you are teasing. Even I can see that you can't play c****et indoors. There wouldn't be room for the silly midriff or whatever it is

Of course I don't support a f***ball team. and if I adopted one I would send them all to Ballet school. I suppose 2 or 3 of them could sleep outside in the tent but I don't know what I'd be able to do with the rest of them. Could be useful as a draught excluder in the winter I suppose....

Oh come on, Leggy, I'm sure we can think of 11 household uses for a footballer?

1) A coat-hanger;

2) A filing cabinet;

3) Hammer a few nails into the footballer and you could have something to hang your saucepans on...

...and so on.

Wait a minute, I knew some smart f***ball players..... No wait, I can now see how radicuous it sounds. So I must rethink my entire life...

Thumbs - I'm glad you realised that you couldn't possibly know any smart f***ball players. I was beginning to get worried about you !

More uses:

- 4. Cat scratching post
5. Arty-modern occasional table
6. Very large serviette
7. Tea strainer
8. Beer mat

Now, if we leave 2 in the tent there's only one more to use up...

A punchbag?

Hello sky, hello trees, hello sun, hello moon...

Is this...? the end for This is...? or is this merely a hiatus in the life of This is...?, following the demise of Is this...?