h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello Clouds....

no - we must keep this going - it's not faster than fairies, faster than witches, but it is faster than Pirates!

I am using my last f***baller as a Pincushion. It's working very well

Or a voodoo doll?

You'll be distraught to hear that the big cr***et showdown between IVAR and me did not happen at the weekend due to a shortage of players...

Distraught? I'm beginning to wonder if my Life has any meaning at all! Oh - and it's a bit of shame about the great c****et match as wel....

Never mind Alex - I know you would have easily beaten IVAR anyway - probably by at least 7 goals!

So now it's Autumn I think we need a new gane. Mud-c****et-wrestling is good for summer, but everyone knows that as the leaves drfit gently down onto the soft sward beneath it's time to get out the old filppers for a bracing round of
- cross-country tag-snorkelling!

You first

WOW, that sounds fun but at the same time I got no clue as to what it is. How do you play that snorkelling game?

Cross-country tag-snorkelling?

Leggy, can you explain the rules, please? From the sound of it I imagine you have to play on an inland lake or a river?

How about roller-rugby?

Rules? I have No idea. I was hoping one of you Sporty types would be able to tell me

Roller-Rugby sounds like a Rough Boys' game to me, Alex. ( I have just been sewing something so I am feeling v Girly at the moment, It won't last long though...)

I have decided that there are far too many new boards happening at the moment and if I try to look at them all my head will explode. But I am going to keep popping in here.

How about Extreme Skipping

Extreme skipping sounds a right laugh...

Rules?

What about naked water netball?

Sorry, my fertile imagination is running amok again...

Leggy is waiting in the luxorious Super-Duper-Upper-Up-Yours-Proles class lounge at Heathrow Airport, drinking a pint of TS with straw, umbrella, strawberry AND a whole Orange.

A deferential steward appears at her elbow. "Excuse me Madam but the captain has me to tell you that your chartered Concorde is ready for take-off".

Leggy finishes smoking her roll-up before replying: "Right Mate. Is everyone else on board?"

The steward gulped nervously. "I'm sorry Madam, but everyone else is washing their hair today. You'll be taking the trip alone.... apart from the basketball team, of course".

Leggy stands up, trips over, and is eventually helped into the luxorious surroundings of the main cabin, complete with bar, cigarette machine, jukebox and en-suite whirlpool tub.

Leggy steps out of the Whirlpool and wraps herself in a towel as thick as a carpet. Shag-pile, of course. The attentive steward coughs in the background, and hands her a note, written on creamy-white vellum.

"Dear Ms Breaker,
may we please trouble you to allow us to stretch our limbs in your private cabin? Or perhaps offer you a gentle massage? We won't be any trouble...
Yours respectfully,
A Very Famous Basketball Team"

"What a Bore", thinks Leggy. "I was going to watch the film"

Leggy, you talking to yourself again girl? You really should see that doctor I recommended

Leggy wakened with a start. It had all been a dream. She stood up, her eyes stung by the brightness of the late afternoon sun.

Where was she? She appeared to be standing next to a motorway. She looked at her feet and saw an empty scotch bottle next to a half-full bottle of Dandelion and Burdock. Strange.

A figure seemed to be walking towards her. Squinting into the distance she saw a road sign - Droitwich 1 mile, it read - and as her gaze fixed upon the figure she realised that it was a man and he was naked...

Had the basketball team had been a cruel trick, played on her by a malicious imagination...

... the naked man is getting closer. Leggy's attention is drawn to something he is carrying... a Family-size tub of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. She begins to feel a little warmer towards him immediately....

Thumbs was confuseed at first for he had just woke up on the road about a mile from Droitwich. More over he had a Family-size tub of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey in his hands. And if that wasn't enough, he couldn't even find a slight trace of his clothes and at the given moment was completly and fully naked.

*never again,...NEVER AGAIN, will I trust a chinese man offering me some alcohol free saki*

"Thumbs! Is that you? I didn't recognise you with your, er, I mean without your... oh! Is that icecream? Here, let me look after that for you. You can put this old shell-suit on - somebody seems to have left it here".

Thumbs reluctantly puts on the shell-suit. Mustard really isn't his colour, but on the other hand it's very obvious that he is getting very cold, or rather perhaps it's not very obvious.

Thumbs makes a desparate bid for credibility. "Yeah, man, boots-only hiking, you know. Everyone's doing it! You should really try it sometime..." his voice tails off as a huge crashing noise signals the arrival of...

'Alex!' shrieks Leggy. 'Where have you been?'

'I borrowed a lorry, well, borrowed is pushing it a little. I was at the Welcome Break in Droitwich and some fellow had left his keys in the ignition. So I borrowed it. We can drive to Margate together, Leggy...Leggy?'

'I don't want to go to Margate, Alex. You promised me The Bahamas and all I have ended up with is Droitwich and a bottle of Dandelion and Burdock. A girl deserves more and judging from what I've seen of Thumbs, he's got a LOT more than you...'

Alex looks dolefully at the ground...

'But this is all I have. I have no clothes; I've got a tenner in change and some Aldi Cornish pasties. I've nowhere to go. Please let me come with you. Please...'

But Leggy cuts him short. 'We're not together. Thumbs just turned up. Okay, okay. At least we've got some wheels. Let's stick together. Somehow we'll get to The Bahamas...'

Her words tail off into the howling gale as a police car pulls up nearby...

A police officer who came out of the car for some reason had an incredible resemblence to Miss Piggy. It was obvious that he knew that and was ahsamed of the resemblence and that his toghness was just an act to make up for it.

'What is that mates??? I did not see a sign stating that this is a swinging ground so put you cltohes back on!!! Furthermore, this is a very dangerous place to be at night. Twenty minutes ago a Lorry full of bananas for startving monkeys was stolen. As a matter of fact it looked like exactly like the one standing right there'

For a second officer started pondering ('It does lok like the stolen truck, but it would be real stupid to steal a truck and park it out in the open few miles off the place it was stolen from. Unless the thieves were really smart and wanted to fool me and make me believe that this is the stolen truck and hold me up. But I'm smarter than they are, I'll just drive full spead ahead and will get them in no time')

'Alright people, ghet back in the car and go to Bahamas or something'...

The Miss-Piggy_Policeman putters away, and Leggy, Thumbs & Alex leap into the cab of the lorry. After a brief tussle Leggy gains control of the steering wheel. "Wheee! I've always wondered what it'd be like to drive one of these" she cries, bouncing the lorry over the central reservation.

Alex is desperately looking for something to wear, and finds a pair of overalls in standard truck-drivers size (XXXXXXXXXL-plus) under the seat. He puts them on, wrapping the belt round his waist four or five times. "i bet there's something interesting in these pockets" he muses....

Meanwhile Thumbs is trying to plot a route to the Bahamas. This is difficlut as the only map he can find is the A-Z of Droitwich. He decides to improvise...

"In fact, " continues Leggy, throwing a handbrake turn "I've always wondered what it would be like to drive.... anything!"....

Alex decides that he has had a long day and wants to some sleep. He climbs into the bunk and leaves Thumbs to teach Leggy how to drive the lorry.

'No, Leggy, that is not the brake, that's the accelerator. You use that to go faster...and lorries are not designed to do 90...slow down, will you?...stop showing your middle finger at people...no, no, you must stick to one lane and try to avoid swerving...'

Alex closes his eyes and ponders what has been a diifult day. He isn't comfortable. It must be the overalls. No, there is something digging into his groin...it's in the pocket.

He reaches in and pulls it out.

It's a bowler hat...what can this mean?

Alex wakes up with a start. Where is he? It's dark and noisy. As his eyes get used to the gloom he realises that he is still in the cabin of the lorry, but something is different... the engine has stopped, but there is still the feeling of movement.. he realises that his hands are clutching something, and feel very sticky....

Thumbs is breathing heavily in the front seat. That last manouvere Leggy pulled off has left his heart thumping... he notices that the St Christopher medal hanging from the driving mirror has turned green and has its hands over its eyes....

Leggy is smiling. There is a white creamy substance all over her mouth.

"Mmmmm " she says. "That Ben & Jerry's is Really Good icecream! Your face Thumbs - honestly - you'd think you'd never seen anyone reverse a lorry sideways onto a Ferry before!! And Alex - now you've woken up - what ARE you doing with that Orange?"