h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, unlike others... I don't mind bawling, just as long as it is amusing... or half-way intelligible...

Hmmm... I thought so... So do you do it willingly, or have you committ ed some horrible crime? I can't really bring myself to imagine that you've done anything wrong... Unless it should have something to do with your love of firecrackers...

Well, there's nothing wrong with being nice every now and then, is there. I have been considering something like that too. I want to have a profession that matters to society in some way... Im just not sure what yet...

Besides, you may grow out of violence and unfair play... So don't worry too much about that...

Indeed you are... But hackneyed words are just what we never learn in English lessons over here... But you do seem to master your language rather well... Especially considering that you can get away with BS'ing tests and reports...

I'm a mess. Whenever I cry it's a complete blow-out. It's better just to leave the room and let me howl. Quite scary, actually.

Of course I haven't done anything bad! I'm such a good girl, just too precocious for my own good.

Social work wouldn't work for me unless I am put on medication to prevent a nervous breakdown.

Ach! Don't say that! I'd lose every fight I get into.


I'm so proud to have twisted such an unwilling victim to my overly colloquial speech. Well, I'll be panfried and ate by turkeys, I never thought that I'd gain converts.

Crying is healthy... One should never hold it in.

Allright, then... I believe you. Well, I'm precocious too, so I see nothing wrong with that.

Hmmmm... maybe. I dunno, I'll probably have a chance to try it later, when we have to choose between social work or the millitary...

Well, you wouldn't get into fights in the first place. Pas de probleme.

Well, don't get your hopes on too high. I'm still capable of writing articles. I uphold that there is nothing wrong with colloquial speech, just as long as it is kept as speech. Never deliever that for schoolwork.

I hate it; it sucks.

Of course not! Just darling little angels, aren't we?

Indeed, I would go for social work.

Mostly with siblings and boys. I always hurt boys accidently when they think they're being cute. I hate being picked up and carried around. I must be asked before I'm toted around and chunked from one person to the next like a football.

Aww, but it's so much fun when speaking all in slang. The average person wouldn't be able to understand the crap I talk when I'm at my granny's for the summer. It's a Cajun French/Southern/civilized English mix. Wonderful to hear, almost impossible to understand unless you've grown up around it or been in the area for awhile.

Well, maybe, but it's healthy nonetheless...



So will I, I think. I don't really like killing, and I'm no good at physical activity, so social work might be good...

Perhaps you should stop doing it... I do NOT like violence, in any form.

Well, yes, I suppose so, but at the same time, I belong to the group that always sound important, becauyse they've grown up in a place where the oral language is very close the written one...

I don't imagine that you'd kill people during peacetime...unless Norway is involved in a war somewhere that I didn't know about. *checks news* Didn't think so. I wouldn't/can't go in the military either.

Self defense is necessary.

I thought I was good at comma splices...

Well, we aren't at war, but we do have some peacekeeping forces here and there. And we helped the US out in Afghanistan... But still, I don't want to learn to kill either..

Well, not always, but I do see the problem. Non-violence is better though (or psychological violence).

No-one can beat me at comma splices, im invincible at it, undefeatable. My teacher says that it shows a good lingistic understanding, but that I should cut down on it summat, because the sentences become hard to read.

Anyway, this isn't exactly essay-writing either.

So, how are you going to celebrate Christmas then?

Don't blame you in the least.

I would like to learn the quarterstaff, but just for fun.

I'm pretty good at them myself and they always seem perfectly readable to me. I had to do my assigned reading on a Frank Norris book. That man is my inspiration; some sentences were over a page long and full of metaphors and splendid comparisons. Beautiful stuff, it is.

Ah, Christmas. Semester exams are over and I have two and a half weeks of leisure. Of course, I'm going to complain because they slighted us two days this year but that's only natural. We went and got our Christmas tree this year at the Farm. It's gorgeous. It's about 13ft tall (metrics smetrics, they're only for lab ) and a cypress. It's almost as fat as it is tall and we have a doggy exercise pen around it to keep the dogs from getting at it. I'm scared of heights so my mother is trimming it this year. It's the first real tree we've had in...four years and absolutely thrilling. My uncle is arriving from New York tomorrow and my older brother *grumblegrumble* will be here. We'll do the Christmas morning thing and I'm going to SLEEP IN this year. I'm locking my door and putting in ear plugs. I've never gotten into the frenzy, even when I was little and prefer to sleep and do presents at a civilized time. We do Christmas dinner on Christmas eve so we don't have to cook on Christmas day and do a midnight candle-light/communion service, too. (How's that for run on?) Haha! As I type, Grumpers just peed on the Christmas tree and on the skirt THROUGH the fence. YES! That's not MY dog, that's mam's dog. There ya go. Now, what do you do?

I see that we agree on this!

So would I. I have no problem with martial arts, and I don't have any problems with guns, as long as they're only used against targets, or possibly a moose every now and then (we've all got to eat, right). I do get a problem with machine guns clearly intended solely for killing others. I'm a pacifist, so I don't really believe in self-defence through violence, but I'll admit that it is a tricky problem to solve.

Hmmm... I'll have to read something by him, then. What would you recommend? Though I suppose I should wait for a bit, lest my bracketitis should evolve to a level hitherto unknown to mankind...

Sounds like fun! I always got into the frenzy when I was younger, but these last years I haven't really cared too much. Also, we usually open our gifts on the evening of the 24th. Mwahahahahaaaaa... GO GRUMPERS!!!

Hmmm, well, I'm going to Årdal, which is about six hours driving westwards from where I live. We're going there on the 23rd, and settle in. We have a big dinner on the 24th, and then we open our presents. On the 25th we're going to try scuba diving (indoors, in a pool, but still), and I'll se if I cannot in time get a license. The only weird thing this year is that I'll not really be celebrating with MY family, but with my stepdads, but that's not really a big deal. I like Christmas, but I'm not too much of a traditionalist (I think we might have covered this before).

Do we indeed?

Machine guns take out the whole 'sport' aspect of killing. I haven't seen moose since we lived in Alaska...oh, fond memories. We go hunting on occassion (we have an over-population of deer here), and, if you have that terrible of an aim, you need to stick with shooting ranges. I hate the people who kill animals, mount them, and throw away the meat. That angers me.

The Octopus and McTeague are his best. Aha! But you see, he doesn't use brackets! Just commas, semicolons, semicolons, and colons!

We've never gotten to open any of ours on Christmas eve. I just sit and figure them all out before I open them. I currently have all but four guessed. I have inherited this gift from my grandfather and can tell when someone has stuffed something with a brick or padded it with plastic bags. I am that good! I keep chanting, 'not my dog, not my dog...'

Oh, man, that is awesome! Scuba diving in pools beats not at all. As long as you get along and don't quarrel the entire time. One family is enough for me! Several times covered, I do believe.

Hmmmm... maybe, maybe not. Do YOU know for certain? Is anything for certain? Can you even prove my existence?

Indeed. I don't think we're allowed to do that over here. You need a license in order to go hunting, and you also need a quota (i.e. you either have to own enough land to be allowed to shoot a certain amount of animals on that land, or you have to make a deal with a person that has a quota). Also, I'm not all terrible at aiming. Just so you know.

Allright, but are you sure about that? Anyway, I'll be sure to check 'em out.

I've also figured out quite a lot of my gifts this year. Of the ones that I have yet seen, of course. The only problem is that I get a lot of books, and a lot of CDs. They're easy to identify, but it's impossible to guess which book or CD it is. Well, it's possible to see it with some very large books...

Weee... yes, I'm looking forward to trying it. Yes, more than one family means quarrels and distrust... 'tis horrid. I'll probably be able to avoid quarrels, I'm good at that...

Hmmm... I'm wondering, just how many hours of a time gap is there between us? could it be as much as seven hours?

For all I know, you could be a raving phantom conceived out of my own little demented mind. For all I know, you could be *gasp* my computer decided to avenge all of its fallen comrades. Oh, the scarinessecity.

We're not either, but people still do. You have to have a hunting license unless you're under 15 or own your own land. If you own your own land, you can go out and kill as much as you want unless it's a protected species. Me neither!

Sure about what? That those are his best or that he's not into brackets?

Doesn't that drive you mad? On some books, the writing is impressed on the cover and I've made scratchings of it. Most people aren't willing enough to go to such means, of course! Plants are always my best. I ask for them and they arrive on Christmas day (they've been hiding at my grandmother's) and I don't even have to unwrap them. I've already seen one that I got! It is sooooooooo pretty. Dendrobium secundum in all of its magnificent beauty. I can't wait to get my paws on it! *happy dances*

Run and hide behind the nearest park bench and count the blades of grass. My family is pretty good unless you get into my dad's side. Blood feuds from one hundred years ago still live on. Rather sad, really.

Frightening as it is, as this was uploading, I was thinking the same thing. Let me go check...six or seven, depending on my math skills.

And likewise to you.. except, my computer loves me (I'm a guy, and its creator), so it wouldn't have to avenge anything... Awww. How many computers have you killed then (and how the bloody h**l did you do it???)? But the phantom bit is good... Øyvind the phantom.... OOOOH!

Soo... let me get this straight... you're allowed to go hunting UNTIL you are 15 years old... erm... weird. Anyway, I don't see how you could possibly avoid eradicating entire species if you don't have hunting quotas? Oh, well, you've managed thus far (with the exception of the buffalos), so I suppose there is some sort of unfathomable natural equilibrium involved.

It was the brackets, but never mind... We're always sure anyway.

Yes, but not if it's a paperback. Anyway, VCR's and DVD's are the worst. The CD's aren't that tricky, provided that they come from my list, there's never more than one CD that is available in normal shops on my list. I want weird and rare things that are impossible to get hold of. My mother said that it was a good thing that I made a list, but that it didn't help when all my wishes were totally unattainable. But the staff at the record stores love me, nonetheless.

Oh my... your family sounds... interesting...

AAAAAH get out of my thoughts!!! Yikes, this is getting creepy. Oh well, nothing to do about it, I suppose. I think it should be seven. But it all depends on where in the US you live... central time, isn't it?

What does being male have to with computers liking you? Or should I ask? I know of at least three that I've killed. One, I deleted syntax, bootlog, and other important things because my father told me get rid of all the crap that was on there. I didn't know what they did and they took up a BUNCH of space, so why not? Second one I was experimenting on. For example, if you load the same program thirty times and try to run all versions at once, what happens? I found out all right. The third victim died of undiagnosed complications. The second drive just kept developing bad sector after bad sector until it wouldn't even start up.

Allowed without a license. You have to get a license and take hunter safety courses afterwards. There are hunting quotas, but you can kill over the quota on private property. There are still wild buffalo...just not very many. It is just my humble opinion that all of this reintroduction of wildlife is stupid.

Oooh, I know! You figure out it's a movie or CD but you don't know which one it is! My mother has said that she will not get me anything if my list consists of all books, CDs, and plants. Come on! How easy is that? Go on the net and shazzam, there they are!

Interesting, indeed. I suppose that's a word for it.

Eastern time. The dog is rolling on the rug and mooing. I suppose I should see to him.

Well, consider the fact that I've never wrecked a single computer, but you've had three blow up in your face. Naw... one of the girls in my class came up with that theory. Based on computer-fuckup statistics.

My god! You actually managed to delete syntax!!! I'm impressed, but that can always be recovered, you know? All you need is a boot disk, and some installers...

Hmmm... weird, but still. What's so stupid about reintroduction? Have you ever had ecology at school? If you remove one part of the wildlife completely, you risk wrecking up the entire ecosystem.

Exactly... it is impossible to know... Well, maybe, but having a CD shipped from abroad is more of an effort, and requires more planning than what any of my friends are willing to give. But what's wrong with books, CD's and plants? My list consists exclusively of books, CD's and percussion equipment... does that mean that I'm not going to get anything except malletech stcks for christmas? AAAAARGH!

I wonder if you can beat mine... with enough divorces and remarriages to blow up a computer (a family-research program broke down while attempting to render my family tree)... And mad uncles plentiful...

Oh, right, six hours, then.

A mooing dog, you say? What vile disease has struck him, then?

I agree. Guys computers seem to last longer than girls. Maybe they just aren't adventurous enough to fiddle with them until they break...

I tell you, I have true talent. Yes, it can be recovered IF IF IF your mother board isn't fried. I'm not quite sure how I managed that either. It must be the strong electromagnetic field that I emit. *yeah, right* But I do kill battery-operated watches.

I have had ecology and it still seems stupid to me. By the time that they have all of the animals ready for reintroduction, the ecosystem has already adapted to the gradual loss of a species. Introducing five thousand alligators into an area where they never lived prior to the reintroduction is foolish. That whole fiasco will end up with an even more unbalanced set.

That's mommy dearest for you. She always says that and I always end up getting books and CDs. This year I didn't ask for all 'story' books so she's placated and has bought me some, I'm sure.

That is too funny, the computer breaking down, I mean. My mom's side is blank after my great grandparents and daddy's side...well, it's just too much inbreeding that I don't want to know about. Mad uncles? I've got more than my share. Maybe we could arrange a trade...could prove interesting.

He's a bbaaaayyybeeeeee!! I think that spinoni are part cow. When they were expanding the gene pool after WWII, they must have interbred with bovine. These guys eat grass and moo like cows! They're wonderful.

Hmmm... well, I could do it, but I also manage to recover them... unless some piece of hardware malfunctions... Though I'm capable of changing hardware too, but it costs money...

I don't see how you did it either... You didn't pour coke into it, did you? Perhaps it's just the fact that you are a girl, and that girls emit strong eloctromagnetic impulses, capable of knocking out computers, or even battery operated watches... though not neccesarily in that order.

Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaa... OMG, the thought of "reintroducing" five thousand alligators to a wee lake... . It's true, though, but it all depends on how effective they are...

Sounds good... why does she do that... doesn't she want to give you something you actually WANT??? I've figured out what my mum's giving me... It's the TT extended edition, with a gollum statue... oh the joys... And I believe that they've got a home cinema in Årdal... YAY!

Yes, I'm really afraid of what I might discover if I dig further back into my family... Hmmm... I've got one obsessed with cars and guns... he even built a potato cannon for me... awww... What are you willing to offer, then?

Incredible! We've got a cat that barks and growls like a dog... does that sound credible?

I'm more capable of managing hardware than I am software. I do not have the time, patience, desire, interest, or male gentilia to deal with software.

No, I've never been interested in cocaine.

In a 60 acre area they released almost five thousand gaters and the federal government can't figure out why there's a petition to open hunting on them.

A gollum statue? What in the world are you going to do with that? I think she's afraid I might actually use it then... A home cinema? Getting into the holiday spirit already, are you?

Oooh! You're supposed to make your own potato guns! They are soooo awesome~! I assisted some people with their senior prank and shot over one hundred pounds of potatoes into the stadium. Ahh, the sweet smell of hairspray and burning PVC. I've got one who enjoys dismembering party barges and reassembling them with souped-up engines. He also has a mild obsession with guns and has them mounted to two of the roof peaks. He's not kid friendly but a genius with animals.

I've seen cats do things like dogs...yes, it sounds credible. My cat is just a hunk of lard that lies around doing nothing.

Male gentilia, you say? Does that EXIST???. I don't see the problem with handling software... You'll need to handle it in order to use a computer...:
Well, I wasn't talking about cocaine... Cocaine is a powder at room temperature and cannot thus easily be poured into a computer. I was talking about coca cola... You know, that horrible brown artificially flavoured sugar-water.

Hahahhaaaaaaaaaahahahhaaaaamwahahahahaaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa OMG! I didn't think it was possible to be THAT stupid... I mean honestly... FIVE THOUSAND??? That's not reintroduction... that's a total environmental catastrophe!!!! Sheeez, no wonder you oppose reintroduction...

I dunno. I'm not after the statue, but with the statue comes an extra disc of gollum-related bonus-material... Hmmm... yes, that might be it. It's like... I would NEVER be able to give you fircrackers.. I just know that it would be used for blowing up someone... Oh yes, a huge widescreen with 5.1 surround-sound... Heaven, here I come!!!. Naw, not really, but it'll be good, no doubt.

Well, maybe so, but this one was rather.. erm professional. It was welded out of an old propane tank, and a karge pipe. It fires several hundred metres, and is trigger-operated, so you don't actually have to stand close by to make it work...

That sounds like something my uncle could do too... He loves playing with explosives, and he loves playing with engines... It's a wonder that he's still alive...

Hehheeee... most of them are... But ours is half dog, half squirrel... You should see her climb a tree...

Other than major spelling errors, indeed it's supposed to. Manipulating to get it to do what I please is my problem. It loves to sneak up on my and bite me in the arse as often as possible.

I realize that, it just drives me batty when people label all carbonated beverages as 'coke.' Coke is CocaCola in a red can. Soft drinks should be called pop, soda, soda pop, soft drink, etc. Besides, I don't like CocaCola in the red can, I am a Pepsi freak. That's in the blue can.

Yes, our friendly government can manage to make a fiasco out of the most well-intended program.

We all know that you're after the statue, don't try and hide it. I wouldn't blow people up. Maybe just scare the life out of them... LOTR for thirty-six straight hours, here you come!

I'll have to consult my uncle on that. He is a hobby welder and makes bomb shelters for fun. I'm sure he'd be able to come up with something. Possibly the next potato weapon of mass destruction.

I wonder how they survive. It's probably some evolutionary advantage.

We had our old man climb a tree once after a squirrel. You should have seen trying to get him down! Squirrel and dawg...