h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmmmm... I won't believe it till I see it. Well, that's technology for you, you're just going to have to get used to the fact that computers aren't service items... The only way you're ever going to get them to do your will and bidding is by bidding them to die a slow and horrible death (possibly assisted by a can of CocaCola), or to get into software programming. What sort of computer is capable of that... does it have legs? Does it hide it's teeth in the CD-rom, or what?

Well, I was actually thinking rather specifically of CocaCola... Which is why I called it coke. So, no pepsi in there either???

Indeed... 5000 gators... oh my.

Weeeeeeeel... erm... nope. Not at all... Aww, that's sooooo thoughtful of you, I bet they'll thank you when they've grown older, right? I could probably manage more than 36 hours with those two DVD's... Oh well, we'll see.

Hmmm... well, it would be a combined food parcel for the victims of the war, and a weapon... Reminds me of another incident where a certain nation dropped food parcels looking suspiciously like the bombs they used...

Now, if we could just contrive of something to shoot melons, and we could win a war here!!!

I've always wondered where they come from. Everybody has at least one... Do you think that they're spawned in pits? They never get children, so they can't really be born either... By all probability, they should've blown themselves to bits before they became 20 years old, but oddly enough, they seem to live forever...

I'm imagining it...

They are service items. Isn't technology developed to make our lives easier? Don't get me wrong, I love computers but I'd rather use my handy electric typewriter for reports and the like. My computer is a . In the middle of the night, my printer sometimes cuts on and starts making noises. On occassion, it spits out a sheet or two of computer language. It's posessed.

Surprisingly, no. No superglue either which is a miracle in itself. I love superglue.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh, my.

If they live that long! Muahahaha... Let the marathon begin.

I love potatoes. According to Catherine Drinker Bowen's 'Miracle at Philadelphia,' the potato is the food of a free man.

Ah! They do have melon guns! They don't work very well, but they have them. One of my friends uncles (go figure, right) made one. It took $20 worth of hairspray but the watermelon shot about twenty feet.

punkin chunkin: http://www.2camels.com/festival50.php3

I've got several. Maybe it's due to some sort of genetic deficiency or just weird relative syndrome. I can't wait until I get old and have the authority to be a Crazy Old Lady! I think they're indestructible.

Well, no... They're not... Technology is something on its way to becoming a service item, but it is still too complicated to be handled without the user sitting down and reading a VERY large manual... Do not be decieved. Technology is not a service item, it is a toy and a tool for the geeks, and for everyone else it's a bloody nuisance and a waste of time. Consider all the time people spend on solving computer problems, not to take all the money into account. If they started doing things by hand, it is likely that manual labour would prove more effective in the end, or until we develop computers that don't fail. See the article on why computers can't predict errors, possibly named "the halting problem"...

Hmm, well, I prefer duct tape, like I've said, but I don't see how duct tape could kill a computer... Nooo wait, yes, I could tape the fan, which would fry the processor...



I thought you said that you wouldn't blow them up? Or was that just something you said to appear innocent? I'm looking forwards to it...

Yeah, sure. People say a lot of things. Poatatoes are great, if they come with sauce, or possibly fried...

w00t!!! Sounds excellent! Then we could outlast a nuclear war... Let's try and make it more effective... Perhaps hydraulics could do something...

Sounds like fun!!!

Ooooh! I'm going to have the best apples in the neighbourhood, and I'm going to guard them with a shotgun and a couple of dogs... Here's for making an urban legend come true, right.

Lalalalalala...I think we've gone through this 'I'm not listening' routine at least once before. There is absolutely no reason for you to burst my lovely little bubble and they SHOULD be service oriented if what you say about them not being so already is true. Hmph. Now that I'm finished imitating Fluffy the Huffy Buffy Slayer (my best friend, Eric) I shall be highly impressed with that incredibly gobbledy sentence that actually makes sense.

The same thing you can do with superglue. Remind me again why people are nervous about leaving me alone with computers for extended periods of time?

I am innocent. *blinkblink* Splendid above most others. Oooh, notice the humility there! Above MOST not ALL others. We'll go see it in theatres again while my uncle (sane...for the most part) is here. Great fun, great fun.

Awww, you don't believe that potatoes are good for the soul and make the world go round? Sad, sad, sad. I love potatoes but they are far from my favorite food. Chocolate for example... I think anything fried is good, actually.

Hydraulics would work but I'm a wretched engineer type. I can fix broke shnit, but that's about the limit.

Get some dock rats and you're set. Ooooh! And attack peacocks! Have I mentioned how much I dislike birds and llamas? You have an army. Muahahaha.

Mwahahahahaaaaah. Tell me, why should they be service oriented? The big companies make millions off their support-hotlines... Why make it easy when it's more fun (and more profitable) to make it impossible...

Hmmm... I don't think you should need reminding... Unless, of course you were to come close to my computer...*shudders at the mere thought of such an event*

Oooh... you'd better be carefuk there, or you might risc becoming a good and humble person... Indeed, great fun. And, I was right, I did get TT extended... The marathon will begin soon enough...

Hmm, naw, potatoes are good fried, but what makes the world go round is water... But chocolate is lovely (wow, this is getting repetitive).

Frying is an excellent process that makes most things taste better, and even make 'em feel a bit crispy...

So am I, that's what we have uncles for, eh. They're an evolutionary advantage...

Nooo, birds are allright, when seen at a distance, or even up close, so long as they dont sit on you, or drop... things on you

Perverse, indeed. They should be service oriented or what's the point of even having them? Are people actually stupid enough to call those pay-by-the-minute lines when they know that the evil operators are going to stick them on hold for and hour?

Train your computer in martial arts; I'm sure you could consider that self defense!

I know, my sainthood is quickly approaching. *angels sing* I got the first and second seasons of MASH. I love marathoning.

Ooooh, technicalities. What if oceans were made of chocolate?? Repetition is good...

Ooooh, crispy! I'd start jitterbugging but I just rebroke my toe and I'm feeling subdued.

They're frightening.

Ish...I hate birds. I like them dead and on my plate but they scare me alive. I've been attacked by swans, geese, ducks, pigeons, and the like and they scare me. I had to have stitches after one encounter with geese.

Naw... well, there's no point in having them, except as a geek-toy, but you can just forget any idea you have of computers being time-savers... Consumers are stupid... at least some are (take popular culture as an example here)... Yes, they call 'em... You should see the questions they ask too. I don't call the hotlines, out of the simple knowledge that I'm more competent with computers than what any of the service operators are... I had to call once, my mother made me do it, and all the guy in the other end was capable of saying was that I should visit their website and download new drivers... The problem was that I was calling about a problem with our modem...

Naw, I'll just install an alarm... It shouldn't be too tricky, I could use one of the circuits from the power supply, and make sure you get an electric shock if you try opening it.

Like I said, you should be careful. Weee... MASH!!!

Then they would be all sticky and brown, and icky too... All the bacterias living in it, you can't drink ocean water, you certainly can't drink oceanic chocolate... Repetition is excellent

Crispy is good... How many times have you broken that bloody toe now?

Maybe so, but they have their advantages... You just need to keep at a respectful distance when they're working their magic...

Geese aren't birds, they're evil demons in the shape of little carbon based bipeds with wings... They're evil, I suggest you try grabbing them by the neck and tossing them, if they try attacking you.

I have nothing aginst swans, ducks or pigeons, they're nice, but one should keep at a respectful distance from them too.

I like that! Did he even understand that you were calling about a problem with your modem? Or, possibly, he was just a moron. Too funny.

Aha, but, you see, electrical shocks (mild ones) aren't that harmful to me. I've caught many electrical appliances (hair dryers are my favorite) on fire. I could also wear those thick welders gloves or those rubber ones that I wear while operating the chain saw. Have no fear...

I looove MASH. I think that I should get some white robes and practice my gliding.

Actually...you CAN drink ocean water. Someone told me that you throw up if you drink enough, but a little doesn't hurt. Then again, the voice of experience also suggests that my amazing capabilities in the area of killing electrical thingies may be linked to my unconsequential ingestion of sea water. Who knows? Maybe I'm *gasp* a weirdo! Repetition is fabulous.

Crispy is excellent. Ehhhh, that one? *ponders* At least three or four times? I lose count after awhile. It's genetic that I should snap toes often. I inherited it from my grandmother.

Like flying birdies?

Great description. Like goose pulls where they bury the bird and grease its neck before running by on horseback and try to pull it up?

You've obviously never been chased by them.

Hey! Lookie here! I was searching for the definition of bird to see if evil was listed and this was the definition:

Dreaming of a chirping and/or flying birds, represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It indicates a sunny outlook in life. You will experience spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Dreaming of dead or dying birds, foretells a period of coming disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are constantly on your mind. Dreaming of bird eggs, symbolizes money. Dreaming of birds hatching, symbolizes delayed success. Dreaming of a bird nest, symbolizes independence, refuge and security. You need something to fall back on. Alternatively, it may signify a prosperous endeavor, new opportunities, and fortune.

THEY obviously have never been chased by birds either! The only time that birds are nice are when they are on my plate!

Yes, he did, I said it at least three times (!!!). Like I said, the guys at the helpdesk may know something, but they can't match the knowledge of a computer geek...

Sick... sick, sick, sick!!! Honestly... How do you manage to put fire to a hairdryer? I know that it is possible to burn plastic, but still... WHY???

I haven't seen it for a while... I remember I used to love it. I haven't watched telly now for ten months or so... Except to watch the news...

Well, yes, you can, but it's full of bacteria, dead and living plants, and the salt requires thrice the amount of water in order for you to be able to get rid of it all and not wreck the "electrolyte-balance" (directly translated from Norwegian) of your body. Did you know that two tablespoons of salt is deadly if eaten by itself?

Well, salt water is said to be good at leading electricity, but I've never tried, so i wouldn't know. Nothing wrong with repetition.

Ouch... I've never been in any serious accidents... No, wait, that's not exactly true, I've had an involuntary firewalk, and I put both my feet in before I discovered it(!!!), but apart from that, I've never actually broken anything...

Hmmm naw, birds don't blow up in your face... But there is a small resemblance there...

No, I haven't, but if I had, I should probably say that it was part of nature, as is my hunting them down. I understand your hatred, but at the same time, I dunno how you've managed to anger them that much... Must be something about you... Perhaps you smell like plants? Or bread?

That's not a definition, that's a dream interpretation... But still.... I think most people like birds. I think you do too, only that they have to be cooked first.

Super computer geek to the rescue! Dumdumdumdum!

Well, I have really thick hair and a lot of it so it takes FOREVER for me to dry my hair. After about forty-five minutes of being on, they start to smoke. Sometimes, they catch on fire.

I hate the television. I don't listen to the radio either. MASH is great.

Is it? I thought it was a quarter of a pound or some such? Electrolyte balance in English, too.

You've never done any of those science lab experiences with various salts and their conductivities?

Ach! I cringe just thinking about it. I have burned myself, but how did you manage THAT?

They're scary. I think their nests just happen to pop up whenever I come near. Chickens, too. There's this particular petting zoo in Florida that we used to visit. I was routinely attacked by chickens. *shudder*

Dead is the only way.

Indeed... Sometimes, being a geek is a good thing...

OMG... I didn't know that it was possible... Aren't they supposed to prevent themselves from that, though?

Hmmm... we have that in common. And, yes, MASH is excellent...

No, I've heard two tablespoons, but I dunno, it depends on the person, I suppose...

No, I think we're getting there, though...

Well, I was running along the beach (I was only a child at the time) barefoot, and was heading for the water, looking up, and then I suddenly noticed that it was getting rather hot underneath me... And that's about it, I had to spend a week home from school, and the first five hours were with my feet in hot water...

I dunno what it is about you that does it... I've never had any problems with birds... I dislike geese, but that's about it...

We agree to disagree, right. Besides, the birds keep the insects away.

Of course! We wouldn't know the largest prime number known if not for geeks.

I guess. I'm special, remember?

I like salt. I don't want to eat so much that I die, however.

A week home from school? Wow, you must have cooked your feet terribly. Eechy.

Maybe, like dogs, they realize I'm scared of them and hunt me down to torture me? I like that...

True. They also provide food for snakes, dogs, and other carnivores.

Weeeeeeeel, that's one advantage, I guess... Still, there are other advantages. Geeks have knowledge, and in todays technocracy, knowledge is power...

So I figure... But to break the laws of physics... that's imressive.

I too like salt, but there are other spices that are better. I love indian and mexican food, and their spice blends...

Naw, you see, I could've followed the teachings easily enough (with the exception of gymnastics, of course), but I couldn't use my feet, because I had litteraly burned off the bottom of them, so I would have to be carried everywhere... The doctors said that I had been rather lucky, actually, because it SHOULD have been a lot worse, if it hadn't been for the fact that I could jump straight into the water after I had burned myself...

I thought of mentioning it, but have you always been scared, or are you afraid of them becasue of some childhood trauma? Because we would then have to explain that trauma first...

Exactly... There we are again.

And of course, I had to spend the first five hours with my feet in COLD water, not hot, as I implied in the previous message...

All hail...

I didn't break any law of physics, just the hair dryer. Keeping to humility, please.

Mmm, paprika, ginger, oregano, thyme... Yummy...

Ouchie-wah-wah. You could have had a blast with the wheelchair!

It probably all started at that petting zoo we frequented. I always got attacked by their birds. They had ostriches, emus, ducks, geese, chickens, crows. There is nothing more terrifying (still) than seeing a bird that weighs twice as much as you and is four feet taller than you start poking you and chewing on you.

I was wondering about hat...

Like you said... humility is nice...

Hmmmm... still, is there a warning on the haridryer, otherwise, you could file a lawsuit?

Yummy, indeed, which reminds me, I think it's time for supper...

Damn, why didn't they give me a wheelchair, I wonder... Oh well, I got to stay home from school doing nothing for a week, I consider that rather fun too...

It is possible, yes, and not entirely unlikely, but still, why do they attack you? I've never heard of anyone else being attacked by any sort of bird, except geese, but geese are, like I said, not really birds...

Hmmm... what sort of a bird would that be? I'm rather tall, and I've yet to see a bird that is taller than me, but I see your trauma...

Hmm? you have a hat. Well, my apologies, I'm perfect, but my keyboard isn't...

Too bad I'm short on it!

All of them have warnings and none of them have hurt me. A mat of singed hair isn't enough to file suit about. Civil cases have to deal with at least $5.

Hmmm, methinks it's time for lunch.

Crutches would have been just as much fun, though much more dangerous. Ish, if I miss school now I'm swamped. My six-person class members and I usually all get sick at the same time because we go to school sick then we have no one to take notes for us or call with assignments. Rather sad, actually.

Birds are the spawn of Satan. How can I account for their actions? *huffhuffhuff*

Ostriches and I'm rather short. They were taller than my father even. Ugly, nasty birds with beady eyes and hairless heads. Truly some of the most disgusting beings alive.

My favorite hats are a crab hat and a large sombrero. I wear them to band camp, to parties, to school, but I'm not allowed to wear them to church anymore. Humbug.

Your typo leads to mine. Hmmm...

Hehe... well, it takes rather a lot of strength to be humble... Naw, really. Otherwise you'll just edn up being pushed down...

Awww... too bad, I was seeing a good case here...

And now it is time for my dinner...

Well, you can't go on crutches with TWO hurt feet, it might work if you have broken them, but when you've burned 'em, you have to have at least one healthy foot... The fun thing about norwegian cruthes, is that they all have the option of putting a spike underneath 'em for walking on ice... Think of all the usages for THAT.

Hmmm... trying to make some sense of that sentence, but it is probably really sad...

Hmmm... I thought YOU were the spawn of s... Erm... never mind Anyway, you could force it out of them with a decent potato-shooter.

Hmm... I've never seen an ostrich, but they sound horrid.

Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa just the thought of wearing a crab hat to church... I don't have a lot of hats, really... Perhaps wish for some for my birthday...

Must be contagious...

And violence is bad.

I was thinking about going to a store and getting trampled. You can make a lot of money doing that. Concerts would be too dangerous for me.

We eat dinner late, but it's approaching that time.

Now that is cool. Ice spikes...muahahahahaha! 'I'm sorry , I didn't mean to stab you! You know how careless I am.'

I wouldn't try too hard. Some things make sense to me and me alone.

Potato shooter...spawn of Satan...I see my future. (does that count as a point for you?)

You've never seen an ostrich before? Not even pictures?

I never went to church alone after that escapade. Some people really have no sense of humor, do they? I'm not a big hat wearer. My hair is too poofy and they fall off or make me look like Bozo.

Like yawning. *yawn*

I wasn't talking about physical strength, I was talking about psychic strength... The strengt to stand against other authorities... But yes, violence is horrid...

It's an idea, of course... Or you could do some other bizarre thing, there are loads of exploits waiting here...

I didn't have dinner today... I didn't have time for it before I had to go to the orchestra... I'm still a wee bit hungry.

Indeed, it's even cooler than having it under your feet...

Yup, I know of other people who are like that... They're all rather fun to be with...

I dunno if it does, I think you've sort of said it yourself, over time, so I'm not really insulting you, just stating the obvious. Now that counts as ten points.

of course I have seen pictures, but since I've never seen one in real life, it's hard for me to form any idea of how large they actually are.

Speaking of pictures... Was that website with all the jargon that you linked to on your page made by you? And more to the point, were the piccies on it by any chance depiting you?

I never go to church, end of story. I used to when I was smaller, because I had to, but I've seldom experienced anything more boring. I'm the sort of person who just doesn't look good in hats... Whatever sort they may be...

*yawn*

Psychic strength. All powerful in psychic wars. I think I'd rather be in a regular war...

But bizarre I am not. I am the goddess of confusion, but I have no extraordinary powers.

I had some pink stuff, kringla, bourbon balls, and some left-over Mexican. I don't suppose you'd happen to like guacomole, would you?

I want some. Norwegian medical mail-order catalogues, here I come!

Couldn't live without them, I'm willing to bet.

Or a slow and painful death for the insulter.

Huge, monsterous, EEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! Okey dokey, their heads went above an fence that was about 6 feet tall. Giant, evil birds. *shudder*

I contribute, but I in no way am responsible for its development. None of those pictures *thanks God* are of me. You got me paranoid and I just had to check. I am, however, surprised that my 'STACY-beautiful above all others' hasn't been editted out. Hmm...I'm afraid to ask, really.

My family does. I never really found it boring, but the idea of brainwashing isn't appealing to me. Organized religion really doesn't agree too well with me. They usually make my head itch, and I've got enough hair not to need them here. I rather like earmuffs, though.

*yawn* This is awful. The slightest mention or motion of yawning sets me off. *yawn*