h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have a cunning plan!


There was a little sausage called Baldrick...

Blackadder: And what is Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce?

Mrs. Miggins: (gesticulates) Well, you take a large, ripe, frog... and *squeeze* it...

Oh go on then percy you can be my best man...

Sausage? SAUSAGE??? Why, blast your eyes!

*storms off in a huff*

Oh...and aardvark

I am anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulations...

I love that one

"I'll be back before you can say 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'"

Three days later...

"Anti-distinctly-minty-munty..."

The one about France
"so you don't know how to get to France" etc etc...

Blackadder: Shall I begin the Christmas story?

Prince George: Absolutely, as long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a copper with couple of rum coves on top of a hill in 'Johnny Arab' land.

Blackadder: You mean Jesus, sir.

"I don't rememebr two silly bulls in the Bible"

The whole game's getting rather sill-a to me...

Frondo: What news of the foul Malmydons?

Blackadder: Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.

Frondo: ...and the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?

Blackadder: Well, they're dead, if that's what you mean.

Pigmot: Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?

Blackadder: No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies, because you just made them up.

Frondo: What news of the Myrmidons?

Baldrick: Good news...

Asphyxia: Excellent!

Baldrick: ...for the Myrmidons. They wiped out our entire fleet. Sorry, I got confused and dropped a bomb on our own lot.

Asphyxia: Silence, squidling! Bring forth the gift with which you honour me!

Baldrick: ...oh, damn, I've forgotten the bloody present now.

Baldrick's view of the first world war:

"I heard it all started when some bloke called Archie Duke shot an Ostrich because he was hungry"

"Ah, Captain, I hope you are going to conduct yourself with a bit more decorum this time."

"No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off."

"The phrase I'm looking for rhymes with "clucking bell""

Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!

Blackadder: So, your father's German, you're half-German and you married a German!

It's a very hard decision, but my favourite has to be Potato.

"As courtiers to the queen you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl."
"Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a..... .......git!"

"The foremost cartographers in the land have prepared this map of the area you'll be traversing. *hands over blank sheet of parchment* They'd be very glad if you could fill it in as you go along."

"I didn't know you had a girl, Percy!"
"Oh yes. I even touched her once."
"Touched her what?"

"Doesn't look much like Southampton to me, my lord... what with those steamy mangrove swamps and streams of molten lava... and that crowd of natives rubbing their tummies and pointing to a large pot..."

"I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!"