h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Said she: 'You listen none of the time
Instead you just carry on with your mime
I've lost count of the windows you pretend to find
Of all the men! You have to be mine.'

And 'yes'
He said, and 'yes' and 'yes'
And just to make it really clear
He'd say the occasional 'Yes my dear.'
Then count to ten
And practise his miming once again.

next: women

Women

Women – have constantly altered our lives,
Our mother, our sisters, our girlfriends and wives,
We love them and hate them,
We ask ourselves, ‘why?’
They bring us contentment,
And then make us cry.
But one thing is certain,
And with this I will level,
Placed in Human Resources,
They’re the work of the devil.

Next: talent

It takes great talent to hit a high "C",
Likewise to get a cat out of a tree.
A talented writer can write a great novel.
A talented courtier knows how to grovel .
I've got many talents. Please do not scoff,
'Cause I cannot get the bottle cap off!



Next topic: Will the Autumn leaves be colorful this year?

Will the autumn leaves,
Be colourful this year?
Will there be an autumn?
That’s really what I fear.
Will there be a winter?
Will there be a spring?
Can we now be certain,
Of any bl00dy thing?

The North West passage’s open,
‘Hooray for Uncle Sam’,
More oil in the Arctic,
They’ll grab it while they can.
Keep everybody happy,
As they drive their 4x4,
And watch the people starving,
In the death camps in Darfur.

Does it really matter,
Does anybody care?
As global business kills the world,
We just stand by and stare.
Let’s hear it for big bus’ness,
Let’s hear it for G8,
Perdition is their future,
For us poor souls – too late.

next: Birthday (s)

Should we pity the child who is born on this day,
Dragged into the mess we have made?
Born from compulsion, or careless sex play,
The child will one day feel betrayed.

Or will the child grow in a world in transition;
Will mankind one day become sane?
Eschew the mad fighting, take a moral position
That honours our gifted domain.

For a child is a capsule of possible powers,
Whose talents may one day grow strong.
And may lead fellow man in the finest of hours,
To a world full of fun, love, and song.


Next..Wishful thinking.

Wishful Thinking

If only politicians, used the truth rather than lie,
If only it could matter, that the starving people die,
If only world economy, did not depend on war,
Please God can’t we put some things back, to where they were before?

If only global business, helped the poor and not the rich,
If only that the future, could be light – not black as pitch.
If only that tomorrow, I could see one ray of light,
Please God can’t life be something but a mindless endless fight?

If I could help the people, who have nothing and no say,
The many millions who have less, than one dollar a day,
If I could help them how to build, some decent place to live,
Please God I’d gladly sell my soul, if that I could but give.

If anyone would listen, if anybody cared,
If peace could be the policy – if anybody dared.
If we could be to others, as we’d have them be to we,
Please God could not this tainted world, a better place to be?

If we could stop the hating, of the way that others pray,
If we could just believe in God, and not what clerics say,
If the Acts of the Apostles, or the Hadiths if Islam,
Please God they’re not the word of You, just cant of mortal man.

If I could stop the anger, that permeates my mind,
If somewhere in this crazy world, decency I could find,
If running after money, weren't the be and end of all,
Please god I’d like to live my life, not back against the wall.



next: sanity

sanity
unfortunately
can't be applied
to much of humanity

rather, vanity
is the fons et origo
and the guiding principle
of humanity's unimaginable
inhumanity

and this pious verse
does it make things better
or somehow worse?


morning

Morning! What does today bring?
Will it be pleasure or pain?
Another survival course
Or life on the easy street
One is reality on a regular scale.
Morning! Does the world seem any better?
Meddling humans demanding more
Nature given a rest for chance to recover
Tried sleeping, daylight here too fast
Time scale far exceeds the norm
Save five minutes here, but where has it gone?
Slow the race down and see to the sides
The wondrous sights to behold that’s missed
Forever gone recycled by our planet
Morning comes, but don’t rush it
I just want a day of rest


mine.

subject: you
as in who ever posts next

If you were me,
And I were you,
Would we be one,
Or maybe two?

Next topic: lost buttons

Lost Buttons

I lost a button yesterday,
Leaving my ample girth,
Exposed for that cared to see,
And several people's mirth.

We had a British driver,
He lost it now and then,
Perhaps young Lewis Hamilton,
Will bring it back again.

[Waits to find out what the next topic will be]

Whoops

whoops!

is that the topic:-

Yes - whoops is the next one

"Whoops!" said the doctor, "Your pardon I beg.
I think I have severed this patient's good leg.
I shall reattach it, 'twill do him no harm.
I now must attend to another man's arm."



Next topic: When the wisest person you know suddenly goes loony.

that counts me out

OK then:

When the wisest person you know suddenly goes loony.


When the wisest person that you know,
Suddenly goes loony.
You need to go to Madame Tussauds
And look at old George Clooney.

The lipstick on the model,
A waxwork near Brad Pitt,
Makes even the sanest person,
Have an apoplectic fit.

Next: Flatulence!

Farting with style takes practice,
Perfection takes time, its a gift,
You've first got to learn all the basics,
Like pushing one out in a lift.

Those silent but violent are classics,
With friends it's a really good game,
Fart in a crowd at a party,
Then watch to see who gets the blame.

Now once your technique has been mastered,
You'll know what your bottom can do,
But ALWAYS remember - don't push too hard,
Coz one day you might follow through !!!!

by Mike McCarthy


subject: motion

I lie on my back in my bed.
My arms and my legs feel like lead.
I reach for a potion
To get me in motion.
I rise, and then fall on my head.


Next topic: windmills