h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Chile?

Only in the mountains.

Nirvana: a little-known island of Buddhists who aren't really there.

At breakfast the wife tells husband make the coffee as this is the instruction given in the Bible. Hubby says "Rubbish! Where in the Bible does it say men should make the coffee?"

Thumbing through a Bible, she puts it on the tale and points to the word at the top of the page&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It says,

HEBREWS.

Very worthy of this thead.

A djinn hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.

The barman looks at him and starts laughing and says, 'Hey! We've got a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One and a half.

How many ........(insert profession of choice)...does it take to change a light bulb?


Non, they're used to working in the dark.

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb


"one two - one two"

How many.......(insert favourite national stereotype)....does it take to change a light bulb.

Five - One at the switch, one to take old bulb, one to pass new bulb, one to stand on chair and one toe turn chair round to locate bulb.

If its health professional managers then you need a team of consultants to determine the cost benefit of changing the bulb, a focus group to see what effect changing the bulb will have, a funding team to apply for government grants and an implementing team to get the job progressed, a procurement team to purchase the item and a senior manager to ensure targets are set, the press officer will need to make a press release and a team to report back on target realisation aspects, health and safety will need to do a risk assessment and designate those who should carry out the task and ensure a suppervisory manager is in attendance once the scheduling team has given it a slot, the monitoring team will then ensure the bulbs performance reaches its required level. Oh yes, the maintenance team will have to be involved.
Human resources will deal with the stress engendered and the legal team alerted in case of any litigation claims. As for patients, well they just get in the way.

GA, that last entry wasn't so much groan as sheer purgatory!

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,"No, the steaks are too high."

That was almost offal

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

a very large woman was arrested today
for drug smuggling.




she bent over without any knickers on and
exposed 50kilos of crack

You've met my sister?

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Obviously he must have lost his raisin.

is that called 'milking the joke'?

Yep! Its the cream off the top!

that's just plain nuts!!

Its oat so nice to know we seed things the same way.